Sometimes it all works out

Wow it has been months and months since I have blogged.  I am often in the mood to write all the swirly thoughts in my head for clarity and therapy but my studies have been all consuming.  Thank the Lawd I have finished the bulk of my work for this year and now its just a polish of my research thesis and then exams on the 9th and 18th of November.  And then 2017!
Year 5 of my studies and I am STILL not done.  After my exams I get 6 long amazing weeks off. Last year my puppies were born on November 14th and consumed my life for 2 months.  It was amazing but wow it was intense and hard, hard work.

What an amazing year it has actually been.  Just under 8 years ago my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and since then life has been pretty much one hit after another.   Hard big crushing hits. So 2016 arrived and I decided my word for the year would be LIGHTNESS.  I was going to try and be light and not expect life to be easy.  Not expect sunshine and roses but just to roll with the punches.  No frantic fighting.  At times I would swim, at times I would float and at times I would tread water.   Somewhere in this year I figured out a little phrase that turned into a mantra: Sometimes it all works out.  It really does.  I started noticing how often this is true and became very mindful of the smallest things that worked out.  When I felt like it was going to go pear shaped I would quietly remind myself...sometimes it all works out remember?  This could be that time too.  In fact on the Saturday when I went to visit Paulie in hospital as I was driving in and praying I remembered that mantra and when I took him home as the vet had pretty much given up and he just wouldn't eat I clung onto my little hope junkie statement and my dog is now 10 months old and has destroyed many a house hold item since then!

And so for 2016 I worked and studied and mothered and ran and swam and biked.  I entered lots of races and had lots of fun, especially with my training friends Janet and Nadine.  I figured out the big shit, the big hits, will probably always come so find the pleasure in the little things.   I have learned to be extremely mindful and grateful.  Deliberately grateful to the point where I write things down.  Just short of a month ago another wave hit.  Unexpected and brutal but somehow in this hit I have managed to stay centered and grateful even when things look bleak.  Maybe after 8 years of hard grown up stuff I have learned to keep a certain calmness in the storm.  To know the more I kick and struggle in the water the more tired I will become.  Sorry if this sounds a little vague bookie because you know that is my absolute worst but the emphasis is the not the event, its the self in the event.

Grown up life is very tough.  The happy sunny pics we put on FB is good and I love sharing in the joy and simple pleasures of everyone else's lives but I know the big real hard stuff is the stuff we often keep close to our hearts and we put on our big girl panties every day and we do our damn best to live the best life we can with whatever life has dealt us.  We are a brave beautiful bunch of lifers standing up and being a grown up and just doing it.

So whats the point of this post?  Well I guess to just live a life where we stay grateful for a delicious meal, for sun on our skin when we sit outside or a beautiful day or a call from a friend or the hundreds of little things we are gifted with in our day.  The big stuff will always roll in, sometimes relentlessly and sometimes we get a lull but the little things are there too and if we stay mindful and appreciate them then somehow we are fortified to handle those storms.  I am blessed beyond measure and grateful for all the amazing people I have in my life.  I am in the palm of His hand and its a safe place.  I am OK.