Thursday, February 13, 2014

My car is now a tricycle.

Clankitty Clank goes my 3 wheeled car as one of my wheels come off and rolls speedily down the road.  It looks like I have bitten off more than I can chew and something has to give and I don’t know what.  I am probably going to ramble on here so store up all your wisdom and advice and hit me with it when I am done venting/thinking/pondering and contemplating.

You know how you never say I have NEVER pranged my car because you feel you will jinx things and Murphy and his law will ensure you do just such a thing.  Well I don’t want to say anything about my Dystonia and mouth but let’s just say the Redilev meds seem to be finally working.  Yay! The issue is the combo of Rivotril and Redilev make me sleepy which makes it hard to study.

The studies…well my psyche subjects are very interesting this year and I am analyzing people left, right and center including myself.  Because I want to finish in 5 years I have taken on 8 modules and the workload is rough.  I write 4 exams in May/June and the rest of the year will be easier.   Gary wants me to give up something and says the studies are too much.  Let me explain to you why I want to study in no particular order:     
It’s interesting and challenges how I think and how I see the world.    I feel myself growing and changing and my belief systems evolving.
At 17 I was told to study social work.  I never did and they say it’s never too late so now is the time.  I believe I can be an excellent counselor/therapist/social worker.  Are we allowed to call ourselves excellent?  Nelson Mandela says we can.  We don’t have to play small.  I am empathetic, non judgmental, I listen, I have life experience, I love people, I love my country, I am not afraid to challenge what I believe is wrong or unfair or unjust. 
I have NO financial independence.  In the past few years I have seen 2 good men who loved their wives have affairs.  Both were having a rough time and felt emasculated and looked for affirmation in the wrong place.  Marriages and families were crushed.  I have lost my security.  Gary can promise me but we cannot predict the future.  I was cheated on once before many years ago and left with debt and no money or support, a house I had to manage and pay for and a 3 month infant in my arms that I had to mother with a very broken heart.  I am battle scarred, I am afraid to be totally vulnerable.  This is no reflection on my Gary who loves me and is most likely to care for me for all my days.   I want to know I can have a career and earn an income.  Yes I know it won’t pay well but it’s what I need to feel safe.  (I sound screwed up.  Life, it leaves us with scars)   
I have already invested over 2 years and have 3 to go.  To give up now would be such a waste.
I love having a sense of purpose.  I am not drifting aimlessly.  I am on a mission and it feels good.
So the downside is obviously the time commitment.  I never do lunches, teas, birthdays, baby showers, coffee dates.  I am at my desk every day.  From 2.20 its critter time and then I run around the whole afternoon.   It’s a huge commitment and UNISA is lonely.  No lectures, fellow students etc.  Just me and my goal of earning my degree and having a meaningful career and a salary.  Having a purpose when my kids are teens and only need me for lifts and cash.   So I can’t give it up.  I don’t want to 90% of the time.  The other 10% I want to quit is normal.
OK, so the studies stay.  Next…my triathlons.  Last year I set myself that goal and I did 2 so far.  The feeling of achieving such a big goal was amazing.  The discipline and dedication that this sport requires is enormous.  I am not athletic and could not run or cycle but I am Dutch and we are known to be a tough and tenacious bunch.  That little girl who had her finger in the wall to stop the water in the story where she saved her town, little Dutch girl!   (not saying dyke, you will all be rude!)   Now I have this goal of my 1st off road Tri next weekend  and the Olympic distance Tri in 10 weeks time and I so want to achieve it.  I am enjoying having a coach and although bloody tired, sticking to the programme.   Today is the first day I have not stuck to it.   Yesterday I half fainted and fell over hitting my arm and my body is saying NO.  I need to rest today.  I am going to get some supplements to keep my weight and energy levels up.    When the event is over I will take a few months off and do lighter training until closer to the Tri in October I want to do.  As for Ironman 70.3, I don’t think it’s going to be possible.  That one I might have to let go. 

Next huge weight to carry, managing my household and critters and the afternoons.   I love being a mom.   I used to want to be a stay at home mom and I was for 3 years and then I started the charity which I ran for 5 years and then it was surrogacy and then studying.  I have always felt I am a good mother although lately I think I am not getting it right as I am just too over extended.    Daniel is OK.  He is 17 so the world revolves around him and his GF.   It’s OK, time will pass and he will grow up and once again consider how I feel and appreciate and see me.  That sense of entitlement will change.  My stress with him is getting him through matric and into varsity.  I am not going into the whole London thing but seeing him not take advantage of such an enormous opportunity was disappointing.   I would love more help and support from him, affection, appreciation but he is 17 so I am likely to get dirty laundry and old mouldy plates left up in his room with the odd gesture of affection instead.  Its OK, really, it’s OK.
Rebeka, my sweet one who is so distressed to see me so close to cracking.  I feel guilty that I don’t hide it better as she feels responsible.  She is the ONLY one in my family who will try and help.  Who notices.   She is trying so hard to do her bit.  On Saturday I am taking her out on my appreciate her day.  Today she gives anon Valentine’s gifts to everyone so no one feels left out.   I wish I could take her away for 2 days and re fill her with what she gives out.  3 boys asked to be her Valentine.  The Valentine who marries her one day, he gets a prize of priceless worth.
And Sofie, giving me the most stress.   She is drowning at school.  She has not bonded with her teacher.  The 1st male teacher she has had.  She is struggling socially.  She doesn’t want to go to school.  She loves her music and choir and art and drama.  Just not school stuff.  She struggles to concentrate, she falls behind.  Her writing and spelling is bad.  I suspect she might be ADD too but I have tried to deny it forever.  With Daniel being ADHD it’s been a long road.  Sofie has had all those tummy issues for years.  Add Ritalin to her little body?   I just don’t know.  I need to see her teacher and my paed Pete White.   I do know some of her social issues could be ADD related.  I might try low dose Ritalin for 3 months and see.  The thought of it, makes me sick.

So what gives…nothing.  I can’t give up anything so my only option is to get help with the kids.  I know you think they do too many extra murals but I come from that generation where you just got on with it.  Good at something…no extra coaching.  Sh*t at something, no extra help.   Homework was up to you, do it, don’t do it.  We are that under parented generation who over parent.   I want them to have the opportunities.  To try things like music and art and drama.   To be well rounded.  And please don’t think I make them do stuff they don’t want to.  Sofie begged me for 3 years to start rhythmic gymnastics which she had to give up dance for.  I have just taken Rebeka out of dance.  They now ride with Carmin when they can so they can fit in drama and eisteddfod and have given up teacher Meg who they love and horses Lilly and Charlie.   I could say no to lots of things and make my life easier but I am their mom and I create their base to grow on.  To explore and develop their gifts, talents and interests so they can be ready and confident to be launched into the world one day with the world at their feet.   

But this is too long now and I need to hit my books.  Plan: see teacher, see paed, see my own doc (still have swollen lymph) and also my psyche for a head shrinking session.  See if I can get some help a few days a week.  Get on those supplements.  Hold a family meeting and explain to all where I am at.  Right, back on horse/in car with that wheel tentatively put back on.   I will get a hold of my life, I have to.