Monday, March 30, 2015

Learning to chill

So today was session 2 with hypno guy.  As you know I am on a quest to try and make my Dystonia more manageable and improve my quality of life.  I actually wrote to a new professor today and as I was writing my treatment history, I was a little amazed at all the people I have seen and avenues I have tried.  I was even prepared to fly to Canada to see one of the docs who did a Ted talk on DBS (deep brain stimulation) but it turns out he is unable to help me.

So for now I research the new meds prescribed by my new fave psychiatrist and tentatively try one at a time if I get the go ahead.  I learn to relax at hypno guy and I attempt botox again in my upper jaw.  The clenching is giving me awful toothache and earache.  I know for some reading about this is boring.  I know I am hard to live with and I wish I could be lightness,I so do but I am struggling here.  Yesterday was a scary day.  Scary days are when the pain is so bad you are unsure if you can stay on planet earth.  Another reason why I support Death with Dignity.  Everyone should have a choice as to when their quality of life is too compromised to hang around.  Not even close to that point but knowing that if it ever takes over the rest of my body and I am immobile and in constant pain, knowing I can check out, well its hugely comforting.

The problem of having something like this is it is hard for the people around you so they react a certain way and it causes massive stress which in turn is a big trigger for Dilbert.  Sometimes I wish I had a place to go to on bad days.  Where I didn't have to pretend or make everyone lunch or be chirpy and available.  Where I could calm myself down in a quiet space and breath and breath till I was zen and calm.  Hypno guy made some good points.  Because my sympathetic nervous system is in overdrive and I am so fight or flight, I don't relax much.  My hands are almost always clenched and my muscles contracted.  We did a relaxation exercise today and my jaw and mouth were soft.  My whole body was soft so now I need to repeat that.   He asked me when I am in a perfect most me state.  My pregnancies.  I know this sounds sexist so please forgive me if I offend you, but when I am pregnant I feel soft and gentle and feminine and nurtured.  I feel special and beautiful and precious. I allow myself to be safe and I stop trying as somehow I trust the people who care for me to keep me safe.  The past shit from a 6 year stint has robbed me of my safe space.  I want to let my guard down, I want to just be but somehow I feel too vulnerable doing that.  Am I making any sense here?   Oh well, blogging is my therapy and as I write I work through things in my head.

I think I need to merge the old me and the new me, the best parts of both.  I need to remind myself I always have choices, I will be OK.  I have ridden out storms, I have come out the other side.  Yes, that sounds good.  The Mel Merger.  The new and improved me.  The work has been started and truth be told I guess will always be on-going but my goal is definitely lightness in my muscles, my heart and my soul. 

Saturday, March 21, 2015

My Face, My Page

Back in the days when I had time I used to blog almost every day.  I never had to think too hard about topics to blog on and I loved the therapy that writing brings.  I had about 500 regular readers every day that felt like friends.  Well most did, the trolls only hung around a while to spew their nastiness and then left.

Once I started studying I no longer had the time to blog.  I hardly read anymore and seldom journal.  FB has become the 5km run alternative of an ultra-marathon.  The quick bits of shared info, opinions, questions that I no longer have time to share about or ask on my blog.   I was always aware that certain posts will annoy certain people.  I am an odd mix of all my unique experiences and ideas so I am bound to hack someone off.  What I don't get is pretending you are someone else on FB.  Becoming all beige and vanilla and posting pics about your lunch.  (Yeah yeah I know I got a bit smoothie obsessed.)   I have never been afraid to be exactly who I am.  Many will think I overshare and I get that other people are more private and accept that.  For my sister and I, we are unafraid to make ourselves 100% vulnerable and wear our hearts on our sleeve.

I am not ashamed of the fact that I am a follower of Christ, that I am passionate supporter of gay rights and any marginalized or oppressed group of people actually.  I battle with anxiety and sometimes depression.  I vaccinate my kids.  I have an ADHD kid and an ADD kid and have carefully and deliberately chosen to medicate with great success.  Just last night I was telling Sofie how proud I am of her and we compared last year this time to now when she had constant tunmy aches and stayed in at break to catch up.  That was pre Ritalin which has changed her life and mine.  I am not ashamed that I was a single parent for 6 years before I married Gary. I am not ashamed of my battle with Dystonia and how hopeless it makes me feel sometimes.  I will write about my training and my triathlon as it is a big part of my life.  I will say when I am happy or when I am sad or when I am cross.  I should be beyond caring about shit but I do.  I get hurt.  I am lots of OK and lots of fucked-up too.  We ALL are!  So if you think I am boring, too much, act like a victim when I ask questions on certain pages, too sensitive, too anything then hide me, unfriend me or just ignore the boring bits like I do when I read your pages.  I love connecting with my friends on FB as modern day life means we are all too busy.  

PS...the 2 people that unfriended me lately did so for other girl political BS reasons.  Promise it wasn't my boring smoothies, training updates or odd theology!