Tuesday, March 26, 2013

The critters

My previous blog readers knew my critters well as I often wrote about the 3 of them and all that they were in my life.  I guess when you blog daily you have the time and scope to be more detailed.     Now, if I am blogging or reading it means technically, I should be studying.   Trying to finish everything before I fly on the 10th of April has been super challenging.    Everything was going great untiI I started on a morning dose of tetmodis as of yesterday.  Between that and the rivotril I could hardly stay awake and I had to submit my sociology assignment which I am doubting a little.

So far the tetmodis has been horribly disappointing.  The hope junkie is feeling a tad jaded after 2 weeks of my so called miracle drug and vokol difference.   I am now advised to take it twice a day so for 2 weeks I will hope once again and then see where I am at.  It will be my birthday day so hopefully God will give me a spasm free tongue for my 42nd birthday gift.   But enough of my desperate, boring, painful and depressing  mouth.   Critters…

Sofie my cute pie is doing well this year with her tummy aches manageable.     For some time I have been concerned about her performance at school and my ADD-paranoia-phobia lurked for years.   Daniel was only diagnosed in grade 5 with ADHD but I should have picked it up years before that.  His teachers should have, his remedial lady, his audiblox lady and his OT.   Anyway, we finally sorted him out, made the agonizing decision to medicate and he has done well ever since.   The biggest freak out was the tummy aches and appetite loss in my already skinny kid.   With my Blixie-girl meds are not an option.   She needs to eat little bits often and I think the Ritalin would just kill her stomach.  I met her teacher and we decided for now it’s all good and average is just fine for her.  If she slips below I will intervene.  I have changed the way I ask her spelling and we read together at night (me 2 pages, her 2 pages) and it seems to help.   The other day she got 15/15 for her test and was so chuffed.  She actually thanked me for helping her and I wanted to cry with appreciation.  I will do ANYTHING to help you my Sofia girl.    I will give you my all and help you everyday for all my days if you need it.   She’s so darn dimply squeezy cute and I am ever aware of her growing up and savouring the last few years of this cuddly love time.

And my beautiful boy, my Daniel.  (He really is gorgeous, not just my bias!)    Well we seem to have hit a pretty peaceful patch and we talk about something when we need to.  He is less defensive and aggressive as he realizes I am not the enemy.    I stand back in awe watching how bravely and hugely he loves this girl.   First time love from a perfectly undamaged broken heart.  It’s been about 8 months now and we have all repositioned ourselves as you do when a family changes.   My dad hasn’t even met her yet so Daniel is looking forward to showing his hottie off to his Pops this Sunday.   The line between my dad, my brother and my son is so strong.    They look the same and that genetic blood line is amazing to see.    My Jewish roots make it extra special for me and I strongly believe in a previous wise Loebenberg ancestor praying over the male line of his family for generations.

And Becks.  Bubbly, bright, beautiful, sensitive, intense Rebeka who fills the whole house nevermind the whole room.    She seems to be having a better friend year and more able to cope with the complexities of female friendships.     Both her BFFs are in the other class but she got the teacher she really wanted so is delighted.   He is about to turn 31 and very fit and handsome so half the moms and half the girls are in love with the guy.  She asked me if I could marry Mr Kemp if her dad died but I had to decline.    So far no liking boys yet or any sign of puberty.   Thank God!   She claims she is only 1 of 3 girls that do not have a hint of hips or boobies.   I heard that puberty is a weight thing more than an age thing and at 40kg girls develop.  The bigger girls normally develop 1st so there could well be truth in that theory.   Luckily ol scrawny is 32kg like myself at that age which means only in grade 7.

So life goes on through the normal thick & thin and I do one day, one day at a time as best as I can.  I am still swimming training and walking but cannot get my arse on that bike.  I know I HAVE to so maybe this coming weekend.  This past weekend we did a 30km up and down hike over a very hectic mountain from Greyton to McGregor and back.  It was TOUGH but gorg.  My calves are still sore.   Next time I post will be all about my trip.   SO soon now, nipping a little!   My girls pined after 2 days so the thought of them missing me for TWO WEEKS is hard.   Gary too, he loves me!

Monday, March 18, 2013

Vouchers, mag subs and a purple dancing pony please!

Nothing?  Really?  You really want buggerall for your birthday?    I am always amazed when that is the reply to the wonderful anticipatory question of: So what do you want for your birthday?!   I so don’t want nothing.  I always know exactly what I want and have a list.  I am not sure if that’s greedy or presumptuous but being of practical nature with a love language of gifts, I myself like it when people tell me they want X, Y, Z.  So much easier.

I love my birthday being sentimental and romantic too.  I love the sense of occasion and reflection as I look at where I am in my life, where I was and where I am going too.   Having lost too many young friends way too early, I appreciate the privilege of growing older.    I am pretty much half way through my life.  Although I am going through a very hard time battling my dystonia (meds day 6, no relief, wanna weep!) I am generally pretty happy.   I love my kids, I like my birds, I love 2 out of the 3 dogs I own and sometimes like the other, I love and appreciate my husband.  I am grateful for my parents being together and pretty OK health wise, happy my siblings and their critters are OK too.  I have amazing girl friends and I need more than 2 hands to count them.   My studies are going well and in just 22 sleeps, I turn 42.  In twenty THREE sleeps, I fly off to my Sing trip.

So due to the fact this is a random bday and I fly the next day, I have decided no party.   Maybe an afternoon picnic with critters at the Nature Reserve the Friday afternoon before should God bless me with plenty sunshine that day.   We had stern words when I turned 38 and my picnic had to be moved indoors due to Him listening to some farmers or someone else needing rain.    

Now I know this is a little age 6 but it’s MY birthday so here’s MY wish list:
I want a dancing purple pony and Justin Bieber to sing with me and an elephant who talks and a real tiara.   OK not really.   Maybe just the pony.  I would love the following:
Mag subs one/all of  Runners World, Oprah, Traithlon Mag, Women’s Health from friends/my sister.
A salad spinner from my mom.  Have always wanted a salad spinner, odd I know.
Spending money from Gary for my trip
Daniel to type me a proper letter and finish the collage of my jumpy Mel shots he was meant to give me for my 40th.
Tennis skirt from the tennis girls Size L
Meringues from Priscy
Pink rain jacket from my walking/fitness buddies Size L
Pedi from Hermi or Thai Sabai
Pedi from Nina so we go to Siem Riep with our gorg slangkoppe aka toes
Toy style watch from Woolies from my girls
Vouchers from Sportsman’s Warehouse or Mr P Sport

Ta dah…easy peasy.  No endless walking up and down wandering what the hell to buy me.    Some of you probably think I am frightfully rude and forward and I hope you are not offended and you of course don’t have to buy me anything and I will even give you a piece of birthday cake.  Others probably think I should tell you I don’t want gifts and rather donate to my fave charity but I am just not that selfless when it comes to my bday, sorry!   Hopefully you will just think, typical Mel, no BS and just says it like it is and knows exactly what she wants from life.   Trace you can get me the purple dancing pony!
Purple Pony


Monday, March 11, 2013

Spit or swallow?

Apart from public speaking , what do you think are one of the main fears many women have?      The big C: confrontation.     We are by nature peace keepers, nurturers and have that need for approval and to be liked.   I know this is a generalisation but I see it around me often enough to state it as such.
When we are upset or annoyed or angry or offended, we often have the debate of to say something or to just keep quiet.  Do you spit it out and deal with the consequences or do you swallow?    Let’s start with spitting.   It’s often healthy and honest to say how you feel and certainly makes it easier for the other party to understand why your behaviour or attitude is out of sync.   Of course this has to be sensitively handled and can be badly received by the other person.    If it’s over something that you have swallowed for years your reaction can seem extreme and instead of a spit it becomes a vomit of years of resentment or pain or annoyance.  In a healthy and honest friendship it’s ideally dealt with quickly by both sides expressing how they feel, a brief period of awkwardness and then a reflowing of that friendship that is hopefully stronger and more solid and honest.   If the other person is a swallower and afraid of confrontation, they might just ignore you though or write you off and you’ve lost that friendship which is one of the main reasons why we avoid that confrontation in the 1st place. 

So swallowing… the advantages are keeping the peace, the friendship and avoiding the anxiety that accompanies the whole big C.    Many times with small things it’s worth the swallow and we make allowances for that person’s oddities and quirks that make them who they are and often make us crazy.    The disadvantages are the build up of resentment though and the patterns that some friendships take without one or both parties realizing it.    The one who makes jokes at the expense of the other, the one who is flirty with another’s husband, the emotional bully, the always late one, unreliable one, tactless one.   Now don’t get paranoid anyone, these are just examples and things that we as friends DO to others, ignore and allow from others and swallow.   So when does it become too much?   When is it time to weigh up the pros and cons and realize that keeping it all in is just not healthy and its time to get real and honest?  And how do you do this without losing the relationship?    Are you brave and strong enough to deal with the fall out?    And the mutual friendships that potentially become affected?     

I am fortunate to have had a few confrontations in the past that made me sweat with anxiety but after the silence, the chat, the brief weirdness, we have fallen back into the sweet rhythms of a real precious friendship  made stronger by the honesty.  I have many girl friends and feel incredibly blessed.  I have only ever lost one and it was a relationship that was just not healthy where I always felt terrible about myself.    It’s somewhere on my old blog and really was a poisonous unhealthy friendship.  We did eventually meet and speak it out and agreed to get to a point of being able to greet at the supermarket but to part ways.  The release and peace, so worth it! 

So what’s your style?     Keep it all in, take what comes, moan to your poor husband about x,y and z or do you take a deep breath and have it out?  Me, it depends on the person and their own style of dealing with confrontation.  How vulnerable I am feeling and how many others are affected.     A good thing to keep in mind is we as friends love each other and most of the time we don’t even know we are doing something to upset the other.     The intention is very seldom to hurt even if the action does.

PS:   For those of you who have been dying to have it out with me over something, I need 2 weeks off!   I started my new meds last night and I am feeling really afraid of the side effects plus I PMS’√≠ng plus worrying about the stress my beloved is going through as they launch the business.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

The partnership of God & Science

I do not believe in the exclusivity of either God or Science.    I have seen far too much evidence of how the blend is what makes the world go round, in fact what makes it round.  Just lately being present at the birth of a baby born to a surrogate and conceived via IVF on the 4th try.   We knew without doubt that God the creator was part of that process and we knew without doubt that modern medicine had assisted in that miracle.

I have prayed for healing for years now without success.  Its very disheartening because apart from living in chronic pain, you wander why He has decided not to heal you and you feel somewhat frustrated, sad, neglected etc that He who heals, is not healing YOU.   That being said I know He puts doctors and people in your path who are part of the healing process when He hasn't gone for the instant quick fix.   My history with medicine sucks and my reactions so OTT.    My condition I now have is so rare from the Cymbalta/Cymgen that my psychiatrist didn't believe me and reported it to the drug company incorrectly.   I feel like writing her a letter:  Dear doc, you were wrong, I was unfortunately right.  19 days on Cymgen can give you irreversible Tardive Dyskenesia.   Please bother researching this topic further and consulting my neuro who will confirm this diagnosis.   But whats the point, now that I have accepted this and stopped waiting for it to spontaneously disappear its time to try new things.   I still beg pray daily and my kids do too but on it goes, relentless.   The latest meds didn't work and now its time for the big guns, Tetmodis schedule 21.   You have to apply to a board to get it approved because South Africa doesn't stock or dispense it.  You then have to import it from Switzerland.  Mine has been approved and now I wait.   We are 3 in a year who my doc has treated for this condition.   One is a psychologist who has kindly shared her knowledge and experience with me.   She also used to go to be early sometimes because the pain was so bad, she was suicidal and effort of speaking and constant pain exhausting.    I get you sister!    The terrifying thing is the tetmodis side effects was awful for the first week, unbearable where she actually went off.  The good thing was doc said give it a break for 10 days and then lets retry.  She did and it has changed her life.  She has days where she forgets about it, no more depression or pain.  

So now its my turn and with my pharmaceutical history, I am rather afraid.    The irony of taking such hectic drugs to fix something that other drugs caused.   Yet I have no choice because I can't live like this and being hope junkie, I have to take this chance and hope and pray it works for me too.   I am going to phone her again so I can have a clearer idea of what to expect.  And pray, yes I won't give up.   God please let this be the answer, my body able to tolerate this drug and give me relief and my life back.   I pray that after 6 months the condition will be gone but if not, that I can tolerate these meds long term.   And while I am asking, please help me with the Rivotril withdrawals.  You made my body, fearfully and wonderfully and you know how seriously I take my health.  Partner with me and science and lets fix me for good.  Thank you and Amen and Hallelujah and I love you.  Please!