Sunday, September 23, 2012

Forks in the road Series. Number 1

I have decided I need to be distracted so for now we are leaving spazzy tongues and brain cysts and going down memory lane for a few strolls.  Do you ever think back and wander what life would be like had you turned left instead of right?  A time where you were faced with a choice or forced to take a certain path and the spin off effects keep rippling until your life is so very different from what it could be.  Being a bit of a deep thinker, I clearly do and this year was also a major fork time in my life where it was going to change enormously and a whole different movie would have been choreographed and filmed. 

We need the luxury and hind-site of  time to make sense of the new direction and see why its the one we are on.   Much of the new direction is our own choices but often its God or fate or simply circumstances nudging us in a whole new direction.   I think my very first real fork happened when I was 16 and met a talent scout on the beach in Clifton.  He was from an agency in Cape Town and would scout for new faces.  (He was that guy in the Tex choc ad where he would shoot holes in the billboard, remember?)   I was a little poppie from Durbanville who had been warned about just such men.   Unfortunately for him he wore a white speedo.  Sies!    In my town men wore baggies, not white lycra speedos where I could see their whole ugly winky and ballas.   (Yes I know I wasn't supposed to look but the speedo was very white and tight!)  Like all sensible girls I politely took his business card but ignored him and never called the agency.  Months later my friend decided to start modelling and went to that very same agency.  It got me thinking that perhaps it was legit after all and I should give this a go.   I went to see them and the 1st shoot was arranged.   My mom came with and we got stuck in the lift in the parking lot.  Nothing like spending a half hour in an enclosed space with complete strangers to fuel ones nerves.  The shoot was soft and pretty with minimal make up.  The photographer was Bruce Granville Mathews who later did really well and he was non pervy and a good intro.

Me?  Is this me?    We loved the pics and all of a sudden the whole world of modelling burst open and I did 2 shoots in the 1st week.  A very naff Sarie cover and a lovely shoot for Style magazine.  The next 4 years entailed many shoots and loads of international travel and even though I hated much of the modelling world, it did force me out of my shy little shell and see the world expand and change colour and teach me how much more there was out there.   One moment and everything changes and the experience of travel and people out of my comfort zone add a new flavour that is part of the recipe of my me-ness.  I love it and it does remind me that every path we take comes with its own merits, its own beauty and joy and also pain and tough times.  Next fork post will be about love and how meeting one man made me do a massive turn around and all that my alternative journey brought me.

The very 1st pic of me, just turned 16 and such a baby.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

God parents and Guardians

Their is always a little confusion re the role of what is expected from a god parent and what is expected from a guardian.  I think god parents were more in vogue in the times of us growing up and seemed to play an active role.

I have recently had the honour of acquiring a little god daughter and the whole family is extremely chuffed.   It took me a little while to allow myself to care for her.  I seem to have adoption infertility heart ache.   Actually the ache is now a sad regret and no longer so painful.  Readers from my old blog would know it was a very strong desire for me and at one time, close to a reality.  I wanted a little African girl aged around 2 years.  Adoption requires much input from the whole family so we all spoke about it at length.  It also requires a bonding process as you get closer to having this person be enveloped in your family.   From the time you enter the process, you are expecting.   Cross cultural adoption carries its own challenges so I was forced to think of years ahead like schooling and dating and family etc.   The girls in the family were beyond keen, we were ready for our sister and our daughter whose name was probably going to be Anna.  I had a room for her and was glad I had kept my Treehouse twinkle pinkle curtains both her sisters had used.  Because we were going for a toddler,  she existed somewhere in SA and I prayed for her safety and happiness.  Yes I went too far, I always do.   I wrote her a few letters that I wanted to put in her baby book.  Stupid, stupid me who never learns but splays my heart foolishly open getting caught in the high.    Gary and Daniel were not keen although Gary would give me moments of hope every so often.  He came with to an adoption orientation along with my mom the granny and we had a few conversations.  One day he mentioned to me that I could get any dog I wanted if we didn't adopt.    Seriously.  Really?   I very painfully and very angrily closed the box and laid the whole thing to rest.  It's not his fault he doesn't want to but it didn't stop me feeling full of rage and hate.  I went away for 2 days alone to recover and told him I never EVER want to talk about it again.  EVER.

A few months ago my good friend adopted a gorgeous little Zulu girl just before her birthday and very kindly asked me to be her god mother.  She knows my story.  Like I say I had to just squeeze the lid on my Anna box a little tighter so those feelings wouldn't seep out again.  I just can't go there and its not great for my marriage.  I am OK now.  I will enjoy the blessing of her and get to know her.  My girls adore her already and my mother has declared herself god granny.  Next Sat she comes to sleep over for the whole night.  Quite frankly it makes me a little nervous, I haven't had a baby for 8 long years plus she doesn't know us that well.   Monday we practice for 3 hours doing the bath and the feed etc.   We are so excited.  I think I have lid down strongly enough to allow myself to love our Mila.  I adore children, I should have had 4 minimum and would have been happy with 6.  I feel blessed that my kids' friends are often at my house and I can enjoy lots of laughing little bodies running around and bringing their energy and kid fun in my home.

I am still not quite sure of the role a god mother plays over a guardian.  The latter is forever and never a preferred deal as it would mean you would have lost a very special couple and have to raise kids who have lost their parents.   I am signed up for both and know I have the capacity to really love any child from heart or body.   I do know god mothers get to smooch brown chubby thighs and round bellies and in 2 sleeps time I will be doing just that.  I know my job is spoiling her and praying for her and being around to guide her and answer her questions about our creator and her place in the world.  I am grateful to her mom for allowing me in and getting to share her a little.   

PS, I do love my husband but when it comes to kids, the same page is crucial. 
PPS, I really am incredibly grateful for my 3 kids
PPPS, getting my little Jack Russel dog Lucy did give me much joy.  Curtains in cupboard for the next decade till I get a grandcritter!  

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Mortality Reality

I do not have an excessive fear of my own death and believe I will spend eternity with God in perfect health and happiness.  His love will feel amazing and constant with no doubt or separation ever.  I will lie on the beach on a large towel without a speck of sand on it and read and dip into the fresh but not too cold ocean every now and again.  I will eat delicious food and be able to see the people I love close by (not ON my towel though) and they will all be happy too.  It will be hot with a very slight breeze blowing every so often.   For Gary it will be watching a Man United game with his mate Stu and they will be eating chips and biltong and no critters or wives will be demanding anything . 

BUT, I only want this when I have had at least 80 good years on earth.  I need to raise my own kids and I need to cuddle my grandkids and maybe even have a great grandkid one day.  I believe I will live to be an old lady despite some shitty genes my folks have passed on.  (cancer, stroke, heart disease as well as an exceptionally generous nose)    My abnormal tongue movements and sore mouth have just not stopped despite being off the tabs for 6 weeks now.  I have googalised myself silly and read many instances of the tongue thing being irreversible which is so depressing.   Eventually I made an app to see a neuro after seeing my psychiatrist who is pretty stumped.  I had the EEG on Wed straight after the app and the MRI last night.  I waited 2 hours and they told me my neuro had insisted I do it that day. Oh Oh?  Urgency?  What does that mean?  Mmmmh.   I start doing the black fantasy thing.  I have a tumour, I'm dying.  Oh wait, God told me I will live to be old so I am not dying but I will have horrible treatment.  I will have no hair and be really really ill.  Everyone will weep.  I will get an au pair but not a hot one.  I hope Gary's new wife won't be too pretty.  Oh wait, I am just ill, not dying.  So young (ish) and so happy, just too sad.   After a very loud claustro half hour they pull me out and tell me they need to have another look at my brain stem so inject me with that dye stuff and pop me back in again for 10 minutes.  I need to fart but can't figure out how long I still have.  I fart anyway, what's a fart when you have a tumour?  My thoughts are morbid and crazy.

Two hours later she called and told me they have found something but nothing dodge.  Yahooo, I live.  She thinks its a cyst and is pretty sure its not a tumour or growth.  It explains the tongue thing that was underlying and triggered by the meds.   She will know more today and be able to tell me if its accessible.   If so a neurosurgeon will remove it, if not then I guess we will have to try meds to shrink it.  I was all perky and excited last night but I woke up at 2.00am with a bit of a reality check.   What if, what if?  They can't fix it, my mouth stays like this or gets worse, they damage other nerves going in, I lose my speech forever.  Feck, I have something on my brain.   So, I am making myself calm down to a panic and reminding God I am his fave girl despite having some odd beliefs.  I am standing on my perceived promise of long life yet I know He owes me nothing and told me in this life we will have sorrow.   I am human God, I want to live a long healthy life and I want the same for the people I love.  If you are willing to heal me instantly I will be very chuffed but if you want to give the docs a spin, please let it just be an easily accessible cyst that they can remove or one that shrinks quick stix.  Thanks!  Love you!!

Thursday, September 6, 2012

50 Shades of Brown

I am one of the many women out there who is hooked on 50 Shades.  I have read number 1 and 2 and I am saving number 3 for next week.   I know many crit the book going on about language and grammar and the fact that it is by no means cleverly or beautifully written.   The author never claimed this was such a trilogy and she is most definitely laughing all the way to the very prosperous bank.

Before I continue I feel I just need to tell the blood related men in my life to stop reading right now.  Dad, Paulie, Daniel, you might want to stop reading at this point as I am about to talk about es-ee-ex and we all know how nauseating the thought of any family member doing the deed is.  

Right, do you think they have gone?   Go already!!  OK, gone.  So as I was saying, I have loved the books for several reasons.   One of the main ones is the sexual liberation and exploration of so many regular normal everyday gals out there.   Women who are talking to each other, to their partners.  Thinking about what they like, what they don't, what they would like to try or introduce.   Vanilla with a few twists if you like or maybe even chocolate or butterscotch!   I know many marriages are being sexually revived and more than a few husbands delighted by their sexually charged and aware wives.  While I know their is an excellent chance it won't last, the refreshing will and hopefully a new chapter?   I am trusting...

Last Friday my 2 good girlfriends and I went to an adult 'tupperware' party.   Its hosted by a company that comes around to your home and bring all the goods with to purchase.   It is for the many of us who would be far too intimidated to go to Adult World or search on-line but would love to add some fun to our marriages.  We were 16 ladies, 14 Afrikaans girls and 2 English and all inspired by the book.   The evening obviously started with a few drinks and once everyone was happy and giggly, the goods came out.   It was pretty funny and definitely fuel for a good laugh.  It did not feel sordid or dark or unsavoury and what surprised me most, was how open everyone was with what they purchased.   The alcohol obviously helped!  Another cool thing is many of us were Christians which dispels the whole puritan churchy vibe.

I am also enjoying feeling like Gary and I have just met although keeping this going when we have 50 shades of brown, is pretty hard.   I am not 21 and super gorgeous and he is not 27 and filthy rich and super gorgeous.   In between feeling and thinking sexy and I have the normal 50 shades of brown.   We get sick, we have to have a poo, the kids get sick, they have to have a poo which is not always flushed. We have debts, and dogs, and orthodontists bills.  We have a swimming pool pump that breaks and a pool that goes green.   We don't have a cook or someone to pick up clothes left on the floor.   Mornings are spent rushing around and yelling at everyone to hurry up.  Making school lunches and washing clean linen because someone spilt a whole bowl of rice crispies and milk on my duvet.  Finding clean school clothes and signing permission slips.   The only spanking that has ever occurred was on the naughty little bums of our kids when they were small.   Bedtime is us gleefully jumping into a warm bed and reading our books each on our own side.   50 Shades of normal life I guess.  And one more thing!  How does anyone shag that often?  Her poor vay-jay-jay!

Next Friday my friend turns 40 and we are going to a club in Sea Point.  A real life night club although apparently for us old fogies.  Gary and I are staying in a very gorgeous guest house with no critters and no shades of brown so we don't need to drive back.  While I can never be a 3 or 4 times a day EVERYDAY Ana, we can snatch little bits of time away just us and its all the more appreciated because it isn't an every day occurrence.  I reckon I will start book 3 the day before.   Laters Baby!  

Monday, September 3, 2012

Tearing of the Apron Strings

Daniel and I share a connection that is exceptionally close.   I think it has alot to do with his first 5 almost 6 years when it was just us.   The first 6 months were very hard and I took all the intensity of my heart ache and added it to the intensity of this wild crazy love I had for this beautiful boy.   My love for him and the day to day caring of him sustained me and we survived and then we thrived.   We had enormous fun together and not having much money meant being creative in what we did.  Loads of picnics and trips to the free petting zoos at nurseries.   Swimming wherever we could sneak into and hours and hours on the beach catching little fish and building amazing sand castles.   Sure it was tough too but for the most part, it was damn fun being a young mom to a clever funny happy little person.

Fast forward a little and we gain an awesome dad and 2 little sisters and a little of that closeness is lost.  Still close but no longer just us.   I grow up and he does too but the magic of the first few years stays special to both of us.  More years pass and all of a sudden, or so it seems, I have a teenager.    A boy teenager thank goodness because those girl ones look kak scary!   He is for the most part pretty well behaved and tame.  He doesn't smoke ciggs, hub or weed, he hasn't got horribly drunk although I am pretty sure he drinks occasionally and up till very, very recently, hasn't really had a proper girlfriend.   Him and his mates hang out, play PS and do stupid sh*t Daniel style like blowing stuff up or attempting to see if one person (him) holds an electric fence with everyone else holding on get shocked too. 

Yesterday I find out from Prisca (my heart daughter and his friend) that the girl he has been good friends with is now his girlfriend.  She had thought he had told me.  I then go on FB to see whats up only to find he has unfriended me.   I totally get why you wouldn't want to be friends with your mom on FB but he should have told me.  He should also have told me about the GF.  He says he was trying to work out when would be a good moment and would have told me the following day.  He knows its big deal because it is a relationship that has given me much concern and worry over the last year.  I promise I am not a scary jealous over the son mother type.  No Oedipus complex crap going on.   So my issue...worry about his un scarred heart.   Worry it will be broken and their is nothing I can do.   My own has been broken many times, the first time very painfully at age 15.  (Sorry June...yes yours!)   I remember my little brother having his broken too and how he would be afterwards.  Heartsick.  That terrible feeling that is physical, emotional, spiritual and hurts at every level.  I know I cannot protect from children from disappointment and pain but oh I would so love to try.  To postpone it a little while longer.

Who knows, lets hope I am wrong.  They just have fun and her feelings mirror his own.   They stay young and carefree.   She's damn hot btw so I did also implore him not to make me granny before I am 50 and he is 25.  Much as I adore babies and I am excited at the thought of being a young granny, not now!!!      Feckerama but this teen thing is tough.   Trying to get them to be open and share and then not overreact so you confirm the very reason why they were secretive in the first place.   I told him I see his life as a blank canvas and he can do and be anything at this point.  No mistakes have been made yet and the potential is amazing.   Yet I cannot really make him do or be anything that HE doesn't want to do.  Studying, eating, exercising, guarding his heart...its his life and I can only watch by holding my breath and wishing and praying and protecting with hands tied behind my back.