Wednesday, May 29, 2013

9 months down the line

Remember last year when I had the big Mama wobbly when my son got his first real GF.   He had liked her for such a long time and when she finally liked him back I was terrified for his brand new shiny heart.  I just couldn’t bare the thought of his potential heart ache that great first love inevitably brings.  Yes, some childhood sweethearts do marry each other but most of us at 16 who just loved that boy SO much, ended up marrying another boy.

When I could see that love and friendship and caring reciprocated I finally relaxed and let them be.  It hasn’t all been easy for me and I definitely had to re-programme the relationship to a new level and a new way of being together.   One doesn’t feel jealous when your boy loves another but you do feel that pulling away and sense of loss as you see more and more childhood slipping away each day.   In less than 2 months he turns 17 and in less than 2 years, he goes to varsity.  Too quick!

To her he is not a child, not a boy.   He is her partner, her man and her person.   We all want to raise children who will be great partners to their love and I love what I see so far.   He loves fiercely and bravely and massively.  He is not shy to be himself ADHD and all.  He loves and laughs and teases and cherishes and protects and adores.   They are good together and I am frightfully proud of what a cool boyfriend my son is to his love.  I cannot predict the future for them and I hope they don’t get their hearts broken but I do know he will be a great husband one day.  As for being a great dad, judging on the way he treats his sisters things aren’t looking fab but I will put that down to sibling stuff and trust that one day in the future this big heart I witness will extend to my grandkids.  In many years!

PS.  While I know I am biased ever so slightly did I mention he is pretty damn handsome too!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Time for a new blog?

So the big Singapore Fling clearly never happened and will unfortunately never happen.   That relocation gap has passed me by and I am OK with it.  I started this blog just over a year ago when I found myself missing writing on my Bosom Buddies Blog.  Writing is so cathartic and a great way to look back and reflect on past achievements, losses, growth spurts, stagnant phases and all that life entails.  I miss the interactive nature of the typepad blog, having plenty comments and debates even though some got ugly.   I do know if you have an opinion and you express it publicly be prepared for the backlash.

So now I am thinking its time for a new blog as I am in this new phase.  First we had the charity and my surfing and my kids being pretty small.  Then it was surrogacy and the start of my studies.  Phase 3 was the big move and then then big non move.  Now, the biggest things in my life are training for my triathlon sprint, dealing with my in love teen, trying to cope with my oral dyatonia/dyskenesia and my Social Work studies.  New time, new focus.   Its tempting to go back to typepad and only about 100 dollars or so a year.   Or do I stay with blogger/blogspot whatever its called.

My new blog will be called meljustdoingit and have my Nike swish.  Right now though Mel has to dash off to take the girls to hockey.  What you think chicklets?   Stay with my present blog or make a change?

Monday, May 20, 2013

Not fearless after all

I am fortunate to be fairly fearless and much of it is by choice.  Of course some of it is due to experience too, undergoing various challenges and answering my what ifs.  What if you go overseas at 17 all alone?   What if you call off the wedding to a man you love you know isn't right for you?   What if you become a single parent with no emotional support and barely any financial support?   Start a business and fail?   Move to another city for a man? Endure an abusive relationship?  My list of what ifs goes on and the answer is you get stronger and braver and you tap into reserves you didn't know existed.  We all do this.

Unfortunately I do have a fear though which raises its hideous head every so often.  Its c---er.   The proverbial big C that I cannot say or even write.  Lately the number of C related deaths and people getting the big C seem to be on the up.  On Friday we bury a grade 1 teacher of our school.  I have 2 girlfriends with C and then all those other stories.  I never met my mom in law as 3 months after being diagnosed C stole her life.  My uncle who was kind and gentle and had the broadest back where all the cousins could ride on made it to his mid thirties until colon cancer squeezed the life out of him.  Four years ago in December my mom got ovarian cancer.  She kicked its filthy arse though and it slunk off in defeat, life won, life in abundance.

Unfortunately knowing Gary and I both have direct family members with C makes me paranoid.  I have such an ugly scar on my leg from having a perfectly safe lump hacked out.  I have little scars from having my moles removed.  When Gary has a pain or bump or lump my mind races ahead and before you know it I have grieved a loss already.  My kids, oh the fear squeezes too tight.  Ironically the only person I don't worry about is myself, I stay convinced I will die a very old lady one day.  

I am worried about one of my children who is going off for an MRI this week.  I'm sure its nothing serious, I am sure we will find a way to treat this and be pain free yet that fear lurks that chokes my throat and what ifs become dark and ugly places.  I am not going into detail as then its too real a worry so I will just ask for prayer and vibes and hope from my mixed medley bunch of clappers and non clappers that we will get a good report with nothing seriously wrong.  It has to be fine, it will be fine.

Friday, May 10, 2013

A month ago today

Today a month ago I was on a plane on my way to Singapore.  All that planning, anticipation and money and now it is just a lovely memory.  I guess that’s what memories are, good times once had.  It has been a very long month.   The 2 weeks away were divine and relaxing and I love spending time with my sister.   Although different in many ways we are the same when it comes to family.  My folks and older sister are not sentimental or big on occasions like birthdays, Easter, Christmas etc.   They don’t do family dinners or big Sunday lunches.  I think my baby brother Paul would probably be a little in between Nina and I and the rest of the bunch.  Nina and I love entertaining and family functions and girlfriends and holidays.  One of the big reasons we were both so stoked about me moving to Sing was the sharing in doing the schmaltzy stuff.  Picking out a tree, Halloween with the kids, birthday parties, Easter egg hunts etc.

Anyway, my 2 weeks back have been pretty good but my mouth has been sore lately.  It was perfect there but I was chilled and we drank booze every night.  It really works for my mouth, the good ol’ sauce.   Now its exam stress and family and normal stuff and my spazzy tongue gets spaz.  The tetmodis has been very disappointing for me plus I can’t go to the loo.    I am always too scared to take something to make me go because what if I am somewhere and I need a poo and I am unable to find a place to go?!    The horror!!  I see my neuro on Monday again to look at other options.  I want to try the deep brain stimulation but its finding a qualified and willing doc to do that.   If they screw it up I might land up with more than just my tongue being spaz!    Oh God it is such a pity you won’t just make it stop but I am grateful for so many things I will stop moaning about the few things you decide not to do.

My exercise is going well although I am still without a bike.  I have found myself a triathlon coach to help me get going.  He’s my swim coach so now it’s just the other 2 disciplines to work on.  I have managed to get myself running 6kms.  It sounds pathetic when people run 42km but I couldn’t even run 1km so I am happy for now.  I want to build it up to 10km and try and run +-20km a week split over 2 or 3 days.   I will swim for 3 and then find 2 days to cycle.   The first tri sprint will be in Oct or November and then Xterra light next year.  Maybe I will find a few open water swims to do as well.

Otherwise everyone is well.   We all loved Bieber and his show was so impressive.   I can see he was a huge Michael Jackson fan and the dancing and lighting and special effects were awesome.  He really put on an entertaining show and watching my kids rock that hard was just divine for Gary and I.    Studies: I have written 2 subjects and have 2 to go.   I know I did well in those 2 so now it’s trying to keep it up and not lose momentum. In July I start HIV and HIV counselling as a semester subject which should be really interesting.  I love that I am learning new things, expanding my mind and changing old thought patterns and view points.   Life does indeed begin at 40 and I made a conscious decision to start doing all those things that I had left on the shelf while I was raising my kids.   At age 8, 10 and 16 and being more independent I get to enjoy more time and freedom.   Yay for not having another baby which is something I NEVER thought I would say.

Time for bed.  To sleep the WHOLE night because I have no toddler climbing in my bed or calling me.  Funny how life turns out when I was SO gutted I didn’t adopt or have that 4th and now I have moved on.  Finally!