Saturday, December 19, 2015

Psychologist fodder on mad maternal me

My sister told me I have transferred much of my mothering related issues onto my brood of puppies.  She might be a teeny bit right.  They are 5 weeks old today and it has been so intense and scary and exhausting and wonderful and messy and full of the biggest love imaginable.  If my boobs look bigger its because my chest cavity feels full of breathless love.  It is a physical feeling.

Speaking of boobs, when Ella was pregnant my boobs were full and sore.  My mom told me it was because of my dog but I said surely not.  On Friday the 11th I cleaned every draw in my kitchen and sorted out my tupperware.  She was only due on the Monday but she went into labour that night.  I was nesting.  I wrote how maternal I felt when they were 11 days old and I am now at the 40 poops a day ankle biting stage but somehow it is not enough for me to wish them gone.  It is so full on and I have very little freedom and flexibility so I should be over it by now but I am not.  I am so screwed.  So full of love for them.  I sit on the floor and clap my hands and 9 balls of black fur hurtle themselves towards me all wanting to be smooched and snuggled.  They are my little family and I am so happy with the owners we have so far.

I know part of the puppy care on steroids thing is in response to the nastiness I had encountered by crazy bully dog lady.  I thought F*ck you, I will be the best damn carer of puppies you have ever seen and I will still donate to the welfare even though you alienate everyone and you lump responsible breeders with the stereo puppy farmer backyard breeder type.  The abuse one takes because of choosing to breed one's dog is crazy.  Animal activists need to recognize we are not the bad guys.  They need to start treating people with a little more compassion and respect.  Recognize we have the resources to help.  It is because of responsible breeders we have all the amazing different breeds with great temperaments.  People like myself want to produce excellent dogs and protect the integrity of the breed.  My vet bills must be close to R10 000 by now and I still need to the 6 week vacs and chipping.  Best food and best care and best pups.  So my I keep one?

I will tell you the reasons why NOT: I don't want 3 adult rotties.  I start work and studying from end of January and will be very busy.  I would love a break from puppy care. I am not sure I can handle a strong male dog.  Dogs are expensive.  My wise mother thinks I will regret it.  I am afraid she is right as she has known to be before.  Rationally these make sense.
And the reasons why:  I am way too in love with my lot.  To wake up one day and have them ALL gone is going to be very painful.   I only want Paulie so I have a specific bond with one pup.  Ella and Zara were bought without my permission and blessing.  I felt sabotaged.  Lucy was bought for my girls after my dear spouse told me: You can get any dog you want if we don't have another baby. (my sign that the adoption plan and alternate IVF plan was officially over.)   I just cannot imagine another family owning him and me not.  But I am too emotional.  Marina I need you!  (my fave psychologist)  

Please don't tell my girls I might keep Paulie.  They are obviously sad the pups are going.  Will I regret keeping him?  Will I regret selling him?   I still have some time to think.  I have asked advice on 2 of my rottie FB pages I belong to but they are all rottie crazy so say keep him.  What do you all think?  I am too emotionally invested to make any logical decision.