Thursday, August 23, 2018

The shame of my shame

I had a non stellar parenting moment the other day which I now need to try and take back.  I am finding age 16 extremely challenging.  Like hiking a mountain in heels without wearing a bra challenging.  Boy child was relatively easy back then although his then girlfriend was 16 and she was forking terrifying!  She has since grown up so light is way up ahead of teen girl tunnel.  My beautiful, smart, intelligent daughter is incredibly self-critical and sees only her flaws.  Nothing I say is taken into account as she believes my bias prevents me from seeing her how she actually is.  So I should lead by example right?   No self criticism or self sabotage.

The completion of my degree has that inevitable anti-climatic feeling.  I worked very hard for very long and felt a sense of achievement and purpose.  I love learning and the expansion of my mind and world views.  Now it is done and dusted and I want to find some kind of flexi or part time job, which so far, I have been unable to find.  If I add my 2 degrees together I have studied for 9 years.  NINE!  And I have no job or career with an income?  What even??

So we driving in the car and I say to Rebeka I am so ashamed of myself for being totally 100% financially dependent.  I feel like I have squandered my gifts and talents.  How on earth did I get to this age and not have built up a career and a respectable income?   I was smart and ambitious and hard working.  I AM smart and ambitious and hard working.   Do I sound vain?  Probably bi-polar as half of me feels unemployable and incapable, and the other half of me thinks how did I land up like this knowing I have much to offer and how fab I am?

I loved raising my children and the time I got to spend with them.  I loved working in non profit and still do.  But, I am not a career girl.  The only wheeling and dealing I do is driving to school and constantly negotiating with my daughters.   I want more and I don’t know how to get there.  I want the best of both worlds.  I still want to be that soccer mom in the afternoons and train early mornings but I also want to work and build a career and some confidence.  I should not be defined by what I do.  Yet somehow I am and I feel shame at doing nothing.  Being nothing.  Contributing nothing.  And then the shame of that shame as surely I have gained enough wisdom to know what I do is not who I am?  I am 47.  Is this some kind of mid life crises?    Do I need a Porsche or a 27 year old boyfriend?   I don’t want either.  I want a challenging exciting stimulating flexible job where I work with people and earn some money and make a difference and still have time for my kids and my training.  Hear that God?  Can you please give me some direction and leads and a little favour here to make this all happen?   Please!

Sunday, August 5, 2018

Inside Out

Do you ever feel inside out?  Like all your emotions and heart and soul are on the outside totally exposed to the elements.  This is me at times, sensitive to everything both beautiful and ugly.

I would be such a good candidate for an anti-depressant.  I would feel normal whatever that is.  In the middle.  But ironically this month marks 6 years of living with dystonia which flares up when I am in this over sensitive place.  I hate, hate, hate my dystonia.  I hate the relentlessness and the hopelessness.  I am not sure if I have real toothache or if the nerves are just inflamed from clenching and pulsing.  The irony of taking something to get you out of a bleak place only to be left with something far worse.  Oh if I could turn back the clock and coax myself out of that place without meds.  But how many people wish they could go back with far worse situations than mine?  People who have lost loved ones.  Sorry, I am digressing here stuck in my pity party.

You know how you cry at everything after you have just had a baby?  That is me lately.  I can't even blame hormones as menopause has fortunately not made an appearance yet.  I don't know how to get out of this place.  Where is the exit?  Regular people will be advised to try exercise, breathing, visualization, journaling.  Ticking all the boxes there.  Gratitude, mindfulness and all the other granola therapies are also present in my life.  This extreme inside-outness means I really do see and appreciate all the beauty too.  But seeing and reading beautiful things makes me want to weep as well.  I am having an emotional acid trip and the intensity of everything is overloading my system.

It has been a crazy week, one of those where you cannot believe how much has happened in just 7 days.  People I care about are going through heartache, I wish I could make it better.  I want to make everything better for everyone.  I don't want anyone to hurt.  I know their is sweetness in sorrow, I know it sharpens us so we do see the beauty and love in all things.  But less please.  Give me a little beige, a little grey, a happy medium.  Where is the exit?