Friday, October 30, 2015


How does that song go? R E S P E C T, find out what it means to me....tra lah lah.  (Cannot sing!)  So I want to chat about respecting each other.  I am about to complete my 4th year of my social work studies.  Next year I do my honours which will take place over 2 years.  A big part of our theory is working with people and trusting in their own self-determination and respecting their choices.  We understand we do not know them how they know themselves.  How could we?

We learn about constructivism and how we all construct our own truth based on our perceptions, values and experiences.  While we have universal laws to keep society functioning, even these differ from culture to culture.  Without one exact 100% truth for all, we cannot judge anothers.   We also allow others to own their own truth without being threatened or feel the need to convince them our truth is the ONLY truth.  Everyone else is not wrong, deceived or ignorant, they are DIFFERENT and that's OK.  That is in fact great because diversity teaches us so much.

My spiritual life is a journey that never stops.  Along the way I learn what I believe to be true only to go through experiences where I learn a new true or adjust to a new self.   I have more questions than answers and I know that is OK too.  I am a critical thinker, because 'I say so' never cut it with me. I need to think, taste this truth on my tongue and soul and feel how it resonates with who I am.  Does it fit with how I think, believe and love?  If it doesn't, if it hurts anyone or makes them feel less than then it doesn't fit.  I have screwed up along the way, especially in my early days as a Christian when I did not trust my own discernment.  I probably acted like an arsehole sometimes and I apologize for the arrogance, it came from a good place.  For all those who judge me, question my integrity, my truth, my discernment, my intelligence, my ability to know what is best for me and my kids, I recognize that you too are trying to do this from a good place and don't mean to be a bully.  Do you understand you alienate people?  You disrespect them and hurt them and you do not show the love of Christ.  I swear, I have some serious issues with the contradictions and stories in the bible, I question, I take my kids trick or treating, I support gay rights, I passionately believe we need to accept and respect all people just as they are and I also don't decide who is going to hell or not.  At the moment I am not going to church which I am sure suits many people as what do you do with someone like me?   Actually based on the fact no one has called Gary or myself after going there for 11 years and now not means their is a good chance they probably haven't noticed.   I love most of them and know some really do care about us. 

A good friend told me to look for the light and not the darkness in life.  We can find both if we look hard enough.  So I am not blind or rebellious or trying to please people or 'the world' or a point.  I am simply staying true to myself and to who I believe Jesus to be.  The plus side is I have found many people scattered across the globe who also share this philosophy, to just love as He does.  Who know they are pretty f*cked up too, as much as anyone else but who want to do love well.  I have even found a pastor who attempts to love like this so I have virtual fellowship which helps a little with the hurt I feel at the loss of my church.  He wrote this piece on love which I so relate to.  Actually I relate to all his posts and he makes me feel less alone along with the many people who read his work and are trying to figure it all out.  He wrote that really cool piece on what he would say to his kids if they were gay.   I hope to meet him and his lovely wife and critters in real life one day otherwise I will see him in heaven.  We will hang with Jesus and talk about stuff.  All the other misfits will be there too.

So I do need to study and stop blogging but I wanted to explain myself even though my mom tells me a thousand times I don't.  I know I don't owe anyone an explanation.  The loss of my church this year has been painful for me so I have wanted to.  For non churchy folk, I hope I haven't put you off God.  Oh its an awesome love.  So frikkin big and bright and kind and healing.  A splendid God so fascinating and brilliant.  The love of Christ that sees no flaws but right to the depths of my soul where he loves me as I deserve to be.  In a life that is so damn hard with so much sorrow and misunderstanding it is my lifeline, my floaty device I hang onto when I feel too tired to tread water and I am afraid I might drown.  

PS:  If you feel the need to send me any scripture or articles so I can see the light please go and re read my post and sing the respect song.  #justlove     

Friday, October 9, 2015

Confident: tick. Kind: tick.

Being a very sentimental person, I take note of special occasions and keep all sorts of little reminders of times in my life that have been happy or challenging or simply noteworthy.  In the past few years I have collected a pebble or little rock from happy places and I write the date and place in pencil on each one.

When I was pregnant with all 3 of my kids I wrote a diary with letters to them and just a general how I felt diary.  I even started writing letters when I was going to adopt so she could know she was wanted and prayed for and dreamed about before she arrived.   On the 28th of November 1995 I wrote down my promises to my unborn baby of how I wanted to mother him/her:
I will try and be patient and always LISTEN to what you have to say (didn't quite do so well on this one) 
I will tell you how much I love you and when I feel proud of you.  I want you to KNOW you are loved (Got this one right!) I hope to enable you to have access to any information or things you need that interest you or you want to learn about. (Tick)I will never force you to do anything you really don't want to do but I will encourage you to try all sorts of sports, interests, hobbies etc. (Got this one too)
I really just want to do my best to make you a good, honest, fair person who always does their best and is good to other people and animals. (Tick, Tick)

I also mentioned elsewhere in my diary I hoped for confident and kind and in the last few weeks I have sat back and witnessed the awesome people my children have become and I have taken a brief little high five grateful happy moment.
Daniel.  His 1st year at varsity.  ADHD and all over the place with his reading level very poor to start off.  The 1st semester was a little crazy but I have him some grace and allowed him to find his feet.  After a close call he caught a huge wake-up and literally and figuratively paid for his mistakes and is so committed and back on track.  He owns his own life and his studies and took reading courses to get him up to speed.  He is passionate about his university and his degree.  He is a sponge soaking up all this knowledge and excited about his future career.  He has been approved as a mentor for next year for the 1st years' for 2016. 
Rebeka.  She who used to be so incredibly shy gets a cum laude for her poetry.  She then gets the same for her keyboard eisteddfod and later in the year gets a Gold for her performance in the school drama.  The big Revue which they stage every 3 years casts for the lead role and my once super shy Becks gets the part.  She cannot sing and doesn't speak Afrikaans very well but the drama teacher insists she is the perfect Molly and adjusts the script for her.  Sofie gets lucky with her sister as the lead role and gets to play the young Molly.  The opening scene is Rebeka sitting watching her younger self, her sister, stand on the stage and sing like an angel.  How did shy Gary and I raise these confident young ladies?   They speak so well and command that stage.  Wow.
Sofie.  Sofia.  Fifi. Sofielicious. This little girl struggled so with anxiety and was excessively fearful.  She had terrible stomach aches and we spent thousands investigating possible causes.  Grade 1 was really tough for her.  She has ADD, Rebeka is my only one who has escaped the Loebenberg ADHD gene.  She too doesn't read but she is funny and bright.  She has managed to control and manage her anxiety and fears and has grown so in her confidence and social skills.  She sings and dances and is our diva.  What really inspired this post though, was how the 2 of them responded to 2 different situations when we were in Clanwilliam over the weekend.
The house next door had 2 security guard working shifts.  On race day we had been up forever and the sun was killer that day.  That night we went out for pizza and waited 2 starving hours for our food.  When I got home I just wanted to go to bed but Rebeka insisted we make him coffee and she took her leftover pizza over to him.  The next guy had to get coffee too.  She is my extra kind one and hugely compassionate.
Then across the road were 2 dogs that got no attention.  They were fed but not loved much.  Sofie doesn't do people but animals...they catch her heart.  She would sit at the fence and love them by sticking her hand in as far as she could to touch them and talk to them.  On the day we left she insisted on using some of her prize money to buy them a toy they would most likely not play with.
Confident and kind children.  Children who have been taught to question and seek truth and fight for those who need a voice.  Not perfect children, sometimes selfish, rude, bratty but good people.  People who will add to this world and who will practice love and tolerance and respect for others.  I am so grateful to partner with Gary and God and mother these individuals.