Saturday, April 19, 2014


Isn’t it actually such a good word.  DEPRESSED.  You are weighted and pressed down by this weight.  You are smaller, compressed, squashed. You are DE-Pressed.   I have suspected for some time now that I am depressed.  For many months in fact.  I bet some of you are surprised.  Anxiety is my thing right?  Not Depression.  I am positive, energized, I exercise, I am goal driven, I have done 3 triathlons in the past year and next week this time I am busy with my 4th.  I am studying and planning.  I am not the typical sleep all day no energy depressive with smelly pits and greasy hair .

Yet I feel such hopelessness sometimes and terribly, terribly tired at the thought of being around for the next 40 years.  Foreign I know, believe you me I cannot believe this is ME writing this.  The good news is I thought it was just my Dystonia.  It’s really painful at times and so far no medication has helped.  When we go through tough or dark times we know that ‘this too shall pass’ but for me, I don’t know that.  So far my Dystonia is a life long sentence.   A sentence I unwittingly brought upon myself by taking the meds in August 2012.  I f*cked it up.  I could have got through that nightmare phase post no Singapore by myself.  I thought I was being brave and clever by seeking help.  Oh to turn back the clock.  I am sure so many people make that statement.

So the reality must be faced and I have a plan.  I do think my medication Redilev is making me depressed though.  This is actually good news.  He has me doubled up the past 2 weeks to see if it will help the spasms but now that I think it is a major contributor to my depression I am going back to one and then to half and then off.  I see botox guy in May even though my neuro is not keen.  I just need a 2nd opinion.  I see Deep Brain Stimulation guy in June which is a radical procedure but desperation calls for radical measures.  And then if nothing works, if this is my lifelong sentence, I see the clinical psychologist to teach me how to live with this debilitating painful condition and still stay positive and enjoy my life and my family.  I feel sorry for Gary having to live with me.  He doesn’t know what to do.  In sickness and in health can be a tough sentence.

I wish I was PMS right now, something to blame.   I have to say doing my daily Gratitude posts on FB is a great help in keeping positive each day.  I plan on doing it for 100 days and started the 1st of April.  The 2nd of April was my darkest day and my turning point.  I am a fighter.  I will not let depression steal my life.  I will not let it smother me and destroy me.  I will crawl and limp and push against this weight until I break through the other side and take that huge breath of air so I can see the sun again.  God says His power is made perfect in our weakness.  This feels like a spiritual battle for my very soul.  I sound like a drama queen, yuck.  I am sorry, I don’t want to be this attention seeking junkie full of melodrama.  Just read this, my name is Melanie and I am suffering from depression.  It’s time to turn this around.  

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