Amongst the mixture of emotions I feel I have that good old useless dose of guilt. How can I feel this grief over a race when other people have real grief over death and divorce and illness and infertility and all the other real losses? Yet my throat aches from being full of tears I cannot shed and I feel like I have been punched in my chest. Punched so hard that all my organs shift and I have the hollow ache in the middle. It feels so physical.
I went for a run this morning. My 1st one in 10 days as I have been sick so I need to catch up for our 2015 mile challenge. I ran and thought and ran and thought as one does trying to figure out this grief and loss I feel. It is not the medal. Yes its a huge bummer I didn't get it and the disappointment makes me want to puke. That bit is all normal, training that hard and not finishing. But this achey grief and paralysis where I just can't start my studying again and I don't know what to do with myself? What the hell is that? The 300 people who also didn't finish this race are probably not about to quit their entire lives.
Its a God thing. After Singapore I knew I was totally depleted. I knew I needed help and went on the anti-deps and we all know how that ended. 14 days on Cymgen and life long Dystonia. So now when the going gets tough I cannot ever go on meds. It doesn't matter how cracksville I feel, no meds for me ever. This meant I needed to rely on healthy diet, exercise and God. My scripture and my mantra...I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. So I did just that and I managed my anxiety and my life and stayed sane. I trusted God 100% for this race, for my life, for my sanity and now I CANNOT do all things through Christ. I can train for 6 solid months and I can have total faith and belief and still I cannot. The grief is the loss of my trust and my hope. I know I have been in this place, where I believed for something so much and it didn't happen and God and I were not tight for a while. I know I will return because what else do I have but for now I feel like He has left me alone and I am not quite sure how to do my life alone. Do I make any sense? I probably sound mad? I got home from the run and Ella had chewed up more of my outside pillows and then I stood in her squishy shit and I started shouting like a mental person till my throat hurt. Mad?
I don't want to study anymore. I don't want to do anything at all. I don't know anything anymore. I am not going to ask and trust for signs. I am going to do one day at a time and today, the 1st day of my studies when I am already so far behind is not going to happen.