Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Where to from here?

Amongst the mixture of emotions I feel I have that good old useless dose of guilt.  How can I feel this grief over a race when other people have real grief over death and divorce and illness and infertility and all the other real losses?  Yet my throat aches from being full of tears I cannot shed and I feel like I have been punched in my chest.  Punched so hard that all my organs shift and I have the hollow ache in the middle.  It feels so physical.

I went for a run this morning.  My 1st one in 10 days as I have been sick so I need to catch up for our 2015 mile challenge.  I ran and thought and ran and thought as one does trying to figure out this grief and loss I feel.  It is not the medal.  Yes its a huge bummer I didn't get it and the disappointment makes me want to puke.  That bit is all normal, training that hard and not finishing.   But this achey grief and paralysis where I just can't start my studying again and I don't know what to do with myself?  What the hell is that?   The 300 people who also didn't finish this race are probably not about to quit their entire lives.

Its a God thing.  After Singapore I knew I was totally depleted.  I knew I needed help and went on the anti-deps and we all know how that ended.  14 days on Cymgen and life long Dystonia.  So now when the going gets tough I cannot ever go on meds.  It doesn't matter how cracksville I feel, no meds for me ever.  This meant I needed to rely on healthy diet, exercise and God.  My scripture and my mantra...I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.  So I did just that and I managed my anxiety and my life and stayed sane.   I trusted God 100% for this race, for my life, for my sanity and now I CANNOT do all things through Christ.  I can train for 6 solid months and I can have total faith and belief and still I cannot.  The grief is the loss of my trust and my hope.  I know I have been in this place, where I believed for something so much and it didn't happen and God and I were not tight for a while. I know I will return because what else do I have but for now I feel like He has left me alone and I am not quite sure how to do my life alone.  Do I make any sense?   I probably sound mad?   I got home from the run and Ella had chewed up more of my outside pillows and then I stood in her squishy shit and I started shouting like a mental person till my throat hurt.   Mad?

I don't want to study anymore.  I don't want to do anything at all.  I don't know anything anymore.  I am not going to ask and trust for signs.  I am going to do one day at a time and today, the 1st day of my studies when I am already so far behind is not going to happen.    


  1. It's perfectly normal to grieve and rail against God under such circumstances. It doesn't matter if others in your shoes would react differently. You are only yourself. You have value. You are still a beloved child of God, no matter what.

    Give yourself time. Rest. Eat well. Run when you can. Pray when you can. It will get easier in time, I promise.

  2. I felt that way after my second marriage failed. Hod may not have issues with me, but I have issues.

    I must go back and read what happened to you. Been on Cymgen for four years now. It helps my ever present anxiety lots.

    Been thinking of you.