Learning to chill

So today was session 2 with hypno guy.  As you know I am on a quest to try and make my Dystonia more manageable and improve my quality of life.  I actually wrote to a new professor today and as I was writing my treatment history, I was a little amazed at all the people I have seen and avenues I have tried.  I was even prepared to fly to Canada to see one of the docs who did a Ted talk on DBS (deep brain stimulation) but it turns out he is unable to help me.

So for now I research the new meds prescribed by my new fave psychiatrist and tentatively try one at a time if I get the go ahead.  I learn to relax at hypno guy and I attempt botox again in my upper jaw.  The clenching is giving me awful toothache and earache.  I know for some reading about this is boring.  I know I am hard to live with and I wish I could be lightness,I so do but I am struggling here.  Yesterday was a scary day.  Scary days are when the pain is so bad you are unsure if you can stay on planet earth.  Another reason why I support Death with Dignity.  Everyone should have a choice as to when their quality of life is too compromised to hang around.  Not even close to that point but knowing that if it ever takes over the rest of my body and I am immobile and in constant pain, knowing I can check out, well its hugely comforting.

The problem of having something like this is it is hard for the people around you so they react a certain way and it causes massive stress which in turn is a big trigger for Dilbert.  Sometimes I wish I had a place to go to on bad days.  Where I didn't have to pretend or make everyone lunch or be chirpy and available.  Where I could calm myself down in a quiet space and breath and breath till I was zen and calm.  Hypno guy made some good points.  Because my sympathetic nervous system is in overdrive and I am so fight or flight, I don't relax much.  My hands are almost always clenched and my muscles contracted.  We did a relaxation exercise today and my jaw and mouth were soft.  My whole body was soft so now I need to repeat that.   He asked me when I am in a perfect most me state.  My pregnancies.  I know this sounds sexist so please forgive me if I offend you, but when I am pregnant I feel soft and gentle and feminine and nurtured.  I feel special and beautiful and precious. I allow myself to be safe and I stop trying as somehow I trust the people who care for me to keep me safe.  The past shit from a 6 year stint has robbed me of my safe space.  I want to let my guard down, I want to just be but somehow I feel too vulnerable doing that.  Am I making any sense here?   Oh well, blogging is my therapy and as I write I work through things in my head.

I think I need to merge the old me and the new me, the best parts of both.  I need to remind myself I always have choices, I will be OK.  I have ridden out storms, I have come out the other side.  Yes, that sounds good.  The Mel Merger.  The new and improved me.  The work has been started and truth be told I guess will always be on-going but my goal is definitely lightness in my muscles, my heart and my soul.