Nothing much in life is certain other than the fact we are all going to die one day. After this guaranteed fact we have various ideas of what this means and where we go if anywhere at all. Many of us believe in some kind of after life because 'nothing' is just too bleak. We need to believe the people we love whose souls were intertwined with ours, are somewhere and if we think about them we can feel them, we sense them and we search for proof those souls we miss, are somewhere.
Planet grief feels a lot like planet depro. At times I have wondered if I am depressed and could quite easily tick the boxes. But then I allow myself to look up at the vastness and mystery of this planet I now live on and I know, it is grief in all its complexities and I live here now.
Sometimes I forget and I have moments of respite and of course, many moments of joy and happiness. If I keep busy enough and swim till my lungs burst and run and run and run I can leave it behind for a while. Biking is different. It is a soothing lovely side of grief where I am outside in the sun and ever constantly thinking of my father searching the sky for an eagle hoping he will visit. I feel protected despite the constant attacks on cyclists we face in my country. I always pray and ask God and my dad to keep me safe. They are a team now and I listen out for their voice and wonder what they would say. About my kids and home and future career and life in general. My protectors. I searched so for that eagle yesterday but nothing. And then Sofia tells me how they were driving and one swooped right down and landed on a lamp post as she drove past. The relief. Because gone is simply not possible and I can't do gone. Thanks Dad, for checking up on Sofia. She is better as you can see. Her spirit is lighter. Mine, mine feels heavy.
I have all the rules in my head and recipes of how I should do this but nothing makes sense. Those 16 months of fucking horrendous cancer trying to use up as much sad as I could, well it just multiplied. I wanted to use it up so only relief would remain. We are 7 months in. Life goes on and we go on but nothing will be the same ever again. I suppose I was lucky to have lived so long without a significant loss. The first was Natey. The loss of him launched me onto planet Grief like no one else in my life ever has. Not even Bee or Aidan really took me there. Where even breathing hurts. Once again the rules are out the window. Who am I to grieve this little boy who I never met? What right do I have? It makes no sense but it just is. And my dad. We were not super close. I did not have the same connection as Tertia. So why am I so damn sad? Am I making it up? Is it the melancholy side of me? Is it real? Do I grieve for what wasn't but should have been? The tease of closeness of the last 6 months and easy affection I craved all my life. My sweet, kind, accessible brave father who I got to really see when he was dying. I don't know. I just know I miss him and think of him every day. I miss the unit of my parents. I miss us being a 6 person family. Mom, Dad, Tertia, me, Nina and Paul. Us. Now it is the 4 of us and Mom. And I can't quite wrap my head around it. We live alone on our planets. Our different relationships and dynamics and personalities means no one grieves the same even when we lose the same person. It is lonely on planet Grief.
I miss my dad.