The shame of my shame

I had a non stellar parenting moment the other day which I now need to try and take back.  I am finding age 16 extremely challenging.  Like hiking a mountain in heels without wearing a bra challenging.  Boy child was relatively easy back then although his then girlfriend was 16 and she was forking terrifying!  She has since grown up so light is way up ahead of teen girl tunnel.  My beautiful, smart, intelligent daughter is incredibly self-critical and sees only her flaws.  Nothing I say is taken into account as she believes my bias prevents me from seeing her how she actually is.  So I should lead by example right?   No self criticism or self sabotage.

The completion of my degree has that inevitable anti-climatic feeling.  I worked very hard for very long and felt a sense of achievement and purpose.  I love learning and the expansion of my mind and world views.  Now it is done and dusted and I want to find some kind of flexi or part time job, which so far, I have been unable to find.  If I add my 2 degrees together I have studied for 9 years.  NINE!  And I have no job or career with an income?  What even??

So we driving in the car and I say to Rebeka I am so ashamed of myself for being totally 100% financially dependent.  I feel like I have squandered my gifts and talents.  How on earth did I get to this age and not have built up a career and a respectable income?   I was smart and ambitious and hard working.  I AM smart and ambitious and hard working.   Do I sound vain?  Probably bi-polar as half of me feels unemployable and incapable, and the other half of me thinks how did I land up like this knowing I have much to offer and how fab I am?

I loved raising my children and the time I got to spend with them.  I loved working in non profit and still do.  But, I am not a career girl.  The only wheeling and dealing I do is driving to school and constantly negotiating with my daughters.   I want more and I don’t know how to get there.  I want the best of both worlds.  I still want to be that soccer mom in the afternoons and train early mornings but I also want to work and build a career and some confidence.  I should not be defined by what I do.  Yet somehow I am and I feel shame at doing nothing.  Being nothing.  Contributing nothing.  And then the shame of that shame as surely I have gained enough wisdom to know what I do is not who I am?  I am 47.  Is this some kind of mid life crises?    Do I need a Porsche or a 27 year old boyfriend?   I don’t want either.  I want a challenging exciting stimulating flexible job where I work with people and earn some money and make a difference and still have time for my kids and my training.  Hear that God?  Can you please give me some direction and leads and a little favour here to make this all happen?   Please!