Work: does it make me happy?

So on the 15th of July last year I started working as the social worker at the family shelter.   Although I have many years of working at various NGOs and starting and running one myself, this was my first job as a registered social worker.

In hindsight I think it was a good thing I had no experience as a social worker as I have realized SW is so much about systems and admin and procedures.  The shelter is a unique environment.  It is not neat and tidy and easy to package or label.  We don't have ABC, 123.  We have: are you actually forking kidding me right now?    The level of dysfunction among our clients is enormous.

Trauma and homelessness, chicken or the egg.  Does trauma have the knock on effect of landing up homeless or is it the homelessness that causes the trauma?   It's both of course.   I can't explain my work environment to you.   It's incredibly intense and demanding.  It simultaneously breaks me down and builds me up at the same time.  A friend came to visit the other day and asked me if my job makes me happy.

Happy?  When I think of happy I think about swimming and ice-cream and lunch with my friends and picnics and my kayak and walking on the beach and camping and family.  My colleagues and our banter makes me laugh and happy but no, my work is too hard to make me happy.  Challenged, fulfilled, stimulated, affirmed maybe, happy no.  Some stuff is so painful I can't share it with anyone except Jo.  We are similar in our work approach and she is the only one who truly gets it.  Wayne & Cardo too to a point.

In the early days I felt the pressure of the people I love waiting for me to crumble.  They all said no, this is too much for you.  You are too soft, you have no boundaries, it is not sustainable.  So they are right in part.  Yes I am soft but a job like this needs soft.  Things that are hard or brittle crack under pressure.  I am flexible and adaptable.  Every person is unique, every family is unique.  My age and experience means I can adapt and I trust my gut and intuition.  Boundaries?  These are vulnerable people.  Of course I care deeply for them.  And I can't switch that off every day at 4:00 and on a Friday go home and park all that for the weekend.  I am getting better at saying no.  At putting systems in place.  At discerning the lies and bullshit that comes with working with addicts.  This is where I have gained wisdom and I am way harder than I used to be.  I love them.  Like really love them.  The adults and the children.  Many of the adults are Daniel's age and younger despite having a few kids.  I feel like their mother.  And the older ones crave mothering too.  Boundaries and affirmation and accountability.  I am not a church goer despite having gone several years ago for a long time.  I cannot reconcile my worlds but this does not mean I don't feel and experience God's love, grace and favour in my life and work.  He is crucial to my work.  

I used to have many a fight over what was good and evil in my churchy days.  Some books, other religions, halloween, sexuality not in the confines of a hetero marriage, even some kids TV shows.  And while I respect these are considered evil for many, my world is more extreme.  The addiction to substances and resultant behaviour, now there the devil has a field day.  Broken people and families and poverty and ravaged bodies.  Children removed from their biological parents which shatters our hearts.  Addicts are trapped and held captive and their children deal with the fallout.  The trauma the kids experience means they want to escape, want out for a little while.  So many start smoking dagga at 10 years old and so it begins all over again.  Trauma-poverty-drugs-homelesness-trauma-poverty-drugs-homelessness.   

BUT, it's not all hopeless.  The culture has changed and half our people are not active users.  This means I can help them to get back on their feet.  And the kids, ah now that's where my heart lies.   They are the hope, the chance to try and break the cycle.  If we can get them in school and keep them there so they are educated, we have a chance of breaking that cycle.  I have a new office which is more private than the previous space.   My shelf is filled with toys for junior school kids and it has morphed into this space where I allow one or two in to sit on Mimi's quilt and play quietly while I work.  The interesting thing is it is the 'naughty' ones who seek this space.  And they sit quietly and play and when they are done they pack up and calmly walk out the office.  They know the toys stay in the office.  It is passive play therapy so while I don't have time to practice, it's enough for now and effective.

I can't do this work for years but I am not ready to leave.   I have too much I still want to do.  As chaotic as it is that week at home after my op was so boring.  The relief of being back and the stream of Hello Auntie Mel as I walk to my office makes my day.  I usually have people telling me all the drama before I have even sat down but it's ok.  It's just how it is.  I am so grateful for my job.  For the opportunity to learn.  For the freedom to run with whatever project or idea I think will benefit the shelter.  I can't be micro managed and work in a little box so I am not sure how I would adapt to a regular sane job.  Jo, I appreciate the opportunity and trusting me to be your fellow parent, and the permission to leave when I can't anymore.  Right now this is where I need to be, loving on our homies.  I am grateful.