Sunday, August 11, 2013

Miserable Sod!

Forgive my absence,  I have been wallowing in that stinky pit called self-pity.  Actually I alternate between desperately trying to be positive and upbeat and being over whelmed and hopeless.  The bible says hope deferred makes the heart sick and the last months and months have been endless disappointments.  The hope junkie is struggling.  You know how I hate cryptic attention seeking FB updates but I am afraid I am going to be somewhat annoying and not share everything I would love to here.

Gary is very private and tells no one anything.  Me being a girl and very open likes to share things but most time he asks me not to tell anyone when things are going pear shaped.  It makes it very tough and I disagree as I believe we need support when things are shitty but we are partners in our marriage and I have to respect his opinion.   He does eventually allow me to tell my mother, sisters and BFFs but mostly we soldier on alone.  Of course the constant stress makes my mouth incredibly sore which doesn’t help my state of being.  An entire year after taking the &^%$#@@ cymgen and my oro-facial dystonia is as bad as before.   It’s definitely affected by stress.

Studies going OK.  Not being able to get a re-mark for my law paper that I KNOW I did well on was very demotivating.   I can’t help feel that being white and 42 at UNISA makes me the object of bias and discrimination with some lecturers.   I know it sounds para but unfortunately politics at a large bureaucratic institution is a given.  I did finish my Social Work prac assignment eventually which I enjoyed and took months to do.  I better get a good mark!!   As part of the task we had to choose something that took us out our comfort zone and then report back on the visit.  I chose to attend prayer during Ramadan at a local mosque with a Muslim lady.  It was quite an experience and I feel privileged to have done it.  The discipline in their faith is quite something.  We share many things in common like the fruit of the spirit.  I am very grateful I get to come face to face with God in an instant whenever I need or want to and do not need to follow any ritual or law to do so though.  Speaking of God, it’s hard not to get peeved when I am praying so hard for so many things and just not seeing any break through.  I am trusting and I have the faith but somehow He seems to be biding his time till he pulls me out this mud I feel I am sinking in.  He knows best I know.

My training for my tri is going pretty well and I can now run 10km without stopping.  I do not run it easily and I don’t love it but it does give me a great pink faced cardio workout and it is a necessary evil for the tri.  I so thought cycling would be my weak spot but I really enjoy it.  I am still very inexperienced and it took me an entire hour and 10 minutes to cycle 20.7km yesterday.  I wasn’t trying to race and I chose a route with a mixture of flats, a few hills and a few downhills but still, that time is too slow so I will need to push it up a notch.   We raced the Ladies Totalsports 10km run on Friday morning which I finished in 54 minutes.  I was happy with my time but not happy that I did not really enjoy it much.   I guess running is not my thing.  Fortunately my tri is a sprint so only a 5km run. 

It’s a day later since I typed this and I found out a grade 8 from my son’s school fell off the wall at the old harbour in Hermanus on Saturday and lost his precious life.  He was headboy at his school last year.  I don’t know him but I do know his best friend who was with him and his family.  This poor kid who witnessed his best friend fall to his death.  The parents of both boys.   It’s amazing how motherhood connects us and when we hear of a mother who has lost a child we have that deep pain that is only a tiny reflection of the massive grief a mother must feel.  It does put things in perspective for me although I have been constantly reminding myself my kids are fine, my marriage is fine and things will turn around.   Life on earth is hard.  God told us it would be so but He also told us He would never leave us nor forsake us and I hang onto that.   Next post I will be more positive and perky, I promise.  I know self-pity is such a selfish and negative and ugly emotion but sometimes it just feels like we step from one pile of dog shit into another and it gets so damn tiring.  I must smell, all this dog poo on my shoes!   Off to have a long bath and count my blessings and pull myself out of this slump.  xxx  

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