This year one of my subjects is HIV and HIV counseling. It is obviously very interesting especially in my country where we unfortunately have the highest incident of HIV in the world. It still blows my mind that intelligent and well educated people have unsafe sex. I understand poor people, those who lack self empowerment and education. Those with a cultural history that denies so many women a voice. But everyone else, Russian Roulette and the stakes are so high!
Anyway. In the counseling they speak about Acute Stress Disorder which I clearly had last year after Singapore falling through and I feel it lurking now although not as intense. I have blamed myself for going on the Cymgen/Cymbalta which has f*cked up my life by giving me this permanent painful Dystonia in my mouth. Reading about this disorder and remembering how I felt last year makes me feel better as I HAD to get help. 3 Major life changing events of the past 3 years had destroyed any serotonin in my system and stripped me of my ability to cope. I felt finished and even felt proud of myself for forcing myself to get up off the floor and seek help. Unfortunately I just got unlucky and have this rare side effect. I don’t blame my psychiatrist Renata aka ice woman for prescribing but I certainly blame her for the way she did not handle it afterwards. I wrote her an e-mail a year after the drugs and she ignored it. I understand she doesn’t care and they are terrified of liability but from a professional point of view I would imagine some kind of interest and follow up. From day 1 she brushed me under the carpet as an unfortunate mistake and moved on.
Shit, I keep on digressing. Clearly need to see my psychologist again! My point is my stress and anxiety is out of control again and in the absence of meds I am going to seek alternative help. I want to learn to meditate and I am also going to see my metaphysical healer again. I told you about her a few months ago. I had been hanging onto pain and unforgiveness for many years but tried to suppress it. I did not have the strength or courage to deal with the people who had unintentionally caused me so much pain. It was easier to move on but every now and again something would happen that would bring it to the surface like ugly bitter vomit and I would know it still existed. The first time I saw her not too much happened. It was a physical healing thing where she moved her hands along my body and identified things in my life. She did not touch me, just felt my energy. The 2nd time I went for a 2 hour session and cried and spoke and cried some more going back to that deep and painful place watching myself from the outside. It was a weird almost out of body kind of experience. I was 40 something looking at my 30 something year old self and allowed myself to acknowledge things that had happened and pain that I had felt. Being a clapper I took Jesus with me on the journey and it was comforting to see that he had been right at my side that entire time. A hovering loving parent keeping me safe although allowing me to go through all I had. In the midst of this intense session Susan the healer said something so profound and it has changed my life and has given me much freedom. Can your soul forgive her/his soul? Could it? Could my hurt soul recognize that actions done and words said by another came from their own damaged soul. Could my soul forgive their soul knowing where everything had come from? Yes, it could. It could recognize that the intention was never to hurt me or destroy me and although I don’t condone the actions I understand them and forgive them. Liberating!
So now I see her again not because I need to forgive anyone (well maybe the 2 psychiatrists who I despise and should not be allowed to treat people!!) but because I have lost my balance again and months of worry and stress and trying to cope with it all have depleted me. I am glad in the absence of drugs there are so many other options available for us to deal with our lives and all the good and bad they throw at us. Saying yes to Granola!
PS, I wrote this last week and only posted today. I saw her this morning and she taught me something called EFT where you tap on certain points and repeat certain things to yourself. I am going to try and do it everyday. I also got the number of another metaphysical healer who teaches meditation and will see her soon. I see my neuro next month who is supposed to put me on new meds but I am so afraid of the side effects so if I can go the alternative candle-and-sandal route then that's my new therapy.