Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Hope Junkie in rehab?

Most of you who know me know that I am the eternal optimist.  The romantic sentimental idealist who chooses love, who chooses happily ever after.  I am the hope junkie who rides life without a crash helmet veering from crushing defeat to ecstatic triumph.  From agony to ecstasy.  My anxiety means I am also full of energy, sometimes angst and sometimes good energy.   Medication is not an option for me.  I have tried many with disastrous consequence.   I manage my anxiety Agatha and while I sometimes long for in between and calm dove grey it seems blinding brilliant white and pitch dark black are more the colours of my palette called me.

As I mentioned in my last blog post the past 5 years have been rough.  Much of the real sh*t stuff that happens is too personal to share or involves others but I mentioned enough to reveal that for half a decade life has been a series of huge waves that dump me sucking me under and just when I pop up to gasp for air and get the sand out my bikini bottoms another set rolls in and I have to fight my way through the rough sea.  Each year I start off saying THIS year is going to be better.  Its going to be happy, easier, less eventful, more gentle.  The ocean will be an azure blue and I will happily bob along in tepid temperatures.  For the first time I dare not think it or say it.  The bible says to speak things into existence and I really do believe we need to speak life but somehow I have lost my Mel-Mojo.  Could the hope junkie have disappeared?   I am not cynical but I am also feeling horribly realistic.  Like life doesn't owe me, I don't have a guarantee of a happier easier year.  Stuff happens every day and why should I be exempt.  Its a horrible feeling and Gary misses the up and down me.  The girl who although gets so crushed also gets so frikkin excited and happy.  I miss her too.  I am afraid to climb up, to hope, to look out for fairies and unicorns living in my garden.  I am afraid that another fall from my super happy high place will break me forever so I dare not climb up there.

Do I stay this realist where its safer?  Do I live each day working towards my goals and cherishing all I have.  Do I let go of certain pictures that I was so certain were true?  I can't live in the past and I want to move forward and I am truly excited about my study goals and my exercise goals.  The excitement is that mix of anticipation, anxiety, expectation and hope.  Yes, hope.  I guess I do still hope but I do it a little more cautiously and hold back instead of recklessly throwing myself in.   I loved being brave.  I loved that I was able to hope again after each setback and believing that things would turn around.   Maybe its not losing my balls?  Maybe its just growing up at the grand age of 42 and half?  I don't know.

PS:  Just read my post.  Maybe I am depro?  PMS?  No, just don't know whats up with me??
  

3 comments:

  1. SEEKING GOD?

    Is it possible to seek God? Calvinists teach that none seek God. They believe God selects all who will be saved, making it an impossibility to seek HIM. Man-made doctrines are always contrary to Scripture. God's word is always, the last word.

    Acts 15:15-17 With this the words of the Prophets agree, just as it is written, 16 After theses things I will return, And I will rebuild the tabernacle of David which has fallen, And I will restore it, 17 So that the rest of mankind may seek the Lord, And all the Gentiles who are called by My name,

    Prophets of God agree that all mankind may seek the Lord; a sharp contrast to Calvinistic teaching.

    Psalm 10:4 The wicked, in the haughtiness of his countenance, does not seek Him. All his thoughts are, "There is no God."

    The wicked can seek God, however, they choose not to. Pride destroys the desire to seek God.

    Acts 17:26-27 and He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times and boundaries of their habitation, 27 that they seek God, if perhaps they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us;

    Mankind is to seek God. He is there for whoever is willing to find Him.

    Psalm 53:1-2 The fool has said in his heart, "There is no God.".....2 God has looked down from heaven upon the sons of men to see if there is anyone who understands, Who seeks God,

    If God selects men to be saved against their will, He would not have to look down to see who seeks Him.

    Proverbs 8:17 "I love those who love me; And those who diligently seek me will find me.

    God says diligently seek Him. Calvinists proclaim that no man can seek God. Who do you believe?

    2 Chronicles 19:3 But there is some good in you, for you have removed the Asheroth from the land and you have set your heart to seek God."

    Men need to prepare their hearts to seek God.

    Psalm 9:10 And those who know Your name will put their trust in You, For You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.

    The writer of the Psalms says God will not forsake those who seek God. Those who preach, the John Calvin view of predestination, strongly disagree.

    Matthew 6:33 But seek first His kingdom......

    Jesus says seek God's kingdom. John Calvin says men cannot seek God.

    Hebrews 11:6 ....for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him.

    God rewards those who seek Him.

    GOD DOES NOT ARBITRARILY FORCE MEN INTO HIS KINGDOM. MEN NEED TO SEEK GOD!

    (All Scripture quotes from:NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE)

    YOU ARE INVITED TO FOLLOW MY BLOG. http://steve-finnell.blogspot.com

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  2. Perhaps it is just this that is affecting you - http://themindunleashed.org/2013/12/suns-field-will-flip-upside-within-weeks-says-nasa.html

    "Historically, research has been conducted to link the 11 year cycle of the sun to changes in human behavior and society." It says it leads to increased excitability and unrest in people. Maybe it has the opposite effect if you are already quite excitable! I know a lot of people who seem to be having mid-life crises at the moment (including my husband) and maybe this is why.

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  3. I know what you mean, Mel. Perhaps it's one of the downsides to "growing up" - you become more cautious and want less disappointments - maybe it's a form of protection that we unconsciously wrap ourselves in...

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