For those who only read my blog but are not my FB friends, I have been doing a
series called one hundred days of gratitude on my FB posts. I started on April
1st and decided I would write about something that I was grateful
for each and every day. I have Lingual
Dystonia which I got from taking the anti-dep Cymgen, a Cymbalata generic. In August this year it will be 2 years. It is painful and debilitating affecting my
tongue, palate and jaw with 24/7 spasms and movement. Speech is difficult and by the end of the day
pain forces me into silence or short sentences.
I have tried various medications with no real success. The
last meds made me extremely depressed and very suicidal. I won’t even speak about the latter too much as
we don’t talk about the S word but let’s just say I thank God that at the end
of the day as much as I desperately wanted to swallow every tablet on my shelf
and sleep forever, I couldn’t do that to my mother. Her own mother took her life and who wants to
be THAT person who loses their mother AND daughter to suicide. It’s even hard to type the word. I will just say be careful of meds and if you
are incredibly depressed and on meds, chat to your doc about the side
effects. If you are family to a suicidal
person, drag them off to the doctor. On
weak days the strength to stay, to fight, to live is very hard and you need
that person to recognize that day. But that’s
over now, I went off the meds and now I never think about it.
F*ck! What an intro
for something that is meant to be a positive post. Sorry!!
So back to time heals. Two years ago some of you will remember we were immigrating
to Singapore. Moving a family of 5 and
their one dog to another country takes an enormous amount of preparation. Getting the kids emotionally ready and
positive takes masses of input/brain washing etc. So after visiting Sing and organising
schools and accommodation and re homing our rottie and doing all the shots and
paperwork for my dog Lucy, we were ready to go.
The mover was booked, my house rented out, notice had been given at
school here, banks, phone company and basically our entire lives here were
wrapped up. I had one farewell party and
the big one was organised for a few days before we left. What made everything that much sweeter was
Gary’s BF lived in Sing and my darling sister and her family. 3 weeks before we
were due to leave Gary’s company drops him and says sorry, you are too expensive
so the deal is off. We apologise for the
inconvenience. Inconvenience? Seriously? Your dentist being late is inconvenient. Forgetting to buy milk is inconvenient. This?
This is a total and utter mindf*ck.
It flattened us, crushed us and almost destroyed me. I was finished. Beyond devastated. We still had our tickets to fly obviously so
off we went for a 2 week holiday in a state of disbelief and shock. Daniel was depressed for months, the girls
took massive strain and I was traumatised to the point where I eventually went
for therapy. I was then prescribed the
evil cymgen by my nightmare psychiatrist and after 14 days, dystonia arrives
and never leaves.
OK, this post is still so negative!! So the good bits, 2 years on and everyone
has gotten over it apart from one causality. The girls eventually healed, Daniel finally
got Carmin and fell madly in love and Gary has a great job. Me, I got lifelong dystonia which means I am
never quite free as it was a direct result of not going. I have wondered why God would take me on that
journey and why He would give me a permanent reminder but what is the
point. We didn’t go and everyone
recovered and the irony is that when I eventually get to ask Him why, I will be
so blown away by being in heaven and loved up none of the stuff on earth will
matter. So time does heal and life goes
on and the new path becomes THE path. I
see it all around me all the time and I am grateful because I know when things
are horrendous, it will never be forever.
Time will erase the painful bits and lighten the load to something we
can carry and maybe even make it so light, it will just blow away in the wind.
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