Monday, June 16, 2014

Day 80, Time heals

For those who only read my blog but are not my FB friends, I have been doing a series called one hundred days of gratitude on my FB posts. I started on April 1st and decided I would write about something that I was grateful for each and every day.  I have Lingual Dystonia which I got from taking the anti-dep Cymgen, a Cymbalata generic.  In August this year it will be 2 years.  It is painful and debilitating affecting my tongue, palate and jaw with 24/7 spasms and movement.  Speech is difficult and by the end of the day pain forces me into silence or short sentences.  I have tried various medications with no real success.   The last meds made me extremely depressed and very suicidal.  I won’t even speak about the latter too much as we don’t talk about the S word but let’s just say I thank God that at the end of the day as much as I desperately wanted to swallow every tablet on my shelf and sleep forever, I couldn’t do that to my mother.  Her own mother took her life and who wants to be THAT person who loses their mother AND daughter to suicide.  It’s even hard to type the word.  I will just say be careful of meds and if you are incredibly depressed and on meds, chat to your doc about the side effects.  If you are family to a suicidal person, drag them off to the doctor.  On weak days the strength to stay, to fight, to live is very hard and you need that person to recognize that day.  But that’s over now, I went off the meds and now I never think about it.

F*ck!  What an intro for something that is meant to be a positive post.  Sorry!!  So back to time heals. Two years ago some of you will remember we were immigrating to Singapore.  Moving a family of 5 and their one dog to another country takes an enormous amount of preparation.  Getting the kids emotionally ready and positive takes masses of input/brain washing etc.   So after visiting Sing and organising schools and accommodation and re homing our rottie and doing all the shots and paperwork for my dog Lucy, we were ready to go.  The mover was booked, my house rented out, notice had been given at school here, banks, phone company and basically our entire lives here were wrapped up.  I had one farewell party and the big one was organised for a few days before we left.  What made everything that much sweeter was Gary’s BF lived in Sing and my darling sister and her family. 3 weeks before we were due to leave Gary’s company drops him and says sorry, you are too expensive so the deal is off.  We apologise for the inconvenience.     Inconvenience?  Seriously?  Your dentist being late is inconvenient.  Forgetting to buy milk is inconvenient.  This?  This is a total and utter mindf*ck.  It flattened us, crushed us and almost destroyed me.  I was finished.  Beyond devastated.  We still had our tickets to fly obviously so off we went for a 2 week holiday in a state of disbelief and shock.  Daniel was depressed for months, the girls took massive strain and I was traumatised to the point where I eventually went for therapy.  I was then prescribed the evil cymgen by my nightmare psychiatrist and after 14 days, dystonia arrives and never leaves.

OK, this post is still so negative!!   So the good bits, 2 years on and everyone has gotten over it apart from one causality.  The girls eventually healed, Daniel finally got Carmin and fell madly in love and Gary has a great job.  Me, I got lifelong dystonia which means I am never quite free as it was a direct result of not going.  I have wondered why God would take me on that journey and why He would give me a permanent reminder but what is the point.  We didn’t go and everyone recovered and the irony is that when I eventually get to ask Him why, I will be so blown away by being in heaven and loved up none of the stuff on earth will matter.  So time does heal and life goes on and the new path becomes THE path.  I see it all around me all the time and I am grateful because I know when things are horrendous, it will never be forever.  Time will erase the painful bits and lighten the load to something we can carry and maybe even make it so light, it will just blow away in the wind.   

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