Dearest darling me: Letter A and letter B

When I have had big moments in my life with huge expectations I write myself 2 letters while I am still sane.  Because I get so crazy excited about stuff and run miles ahead if things don't work out I land up absolutely crushed and lose all perspective.   I helps to go back and read the: So it didn't work out but you still OK letter.

When were wrestling over the fight for our 4th child we dealt with the ups and downs of adoption and then decided to go IVF due to the vasectomy and it was a crazy emotional time for me.   I was desperate for my 4th, my last piece of my puzzle.  Gary's puzzle was already complete.  After calling off the IVF as it just didn't feel right we were back on the adoption path.  She was 2 and her name would be Anna and I would use the princess curtains that her sisters had used when they were little.  Gary warned me not to run ahead but I was already dealing with how my black daughter would cope in a mostly white school.   I prayed for her as she was already born and I didn't know her circumstances. I even typed her letters that I would paste in her baby book so she would know how wanted she was like her siblings.  I knew Gary wasn't that keen but I was so wrapped up in this fantasy I forged ahead even going to the orientation at the agency.   And then he said a simple sentence that ended it all:  You can any dog you want if we don't have another baby.

A dog?  So you willing to get the Jack Russel you don't want and I do so we don't have to have that 4th?  Right Mel, grow up and get real and forget about this make believe daughter because forcing your partner to take on a child that already has rejection in her life is just stupid.  He would have, for me, but that's not enough.  I gave up the girl that I never had in the 1st place and I went away for 2 days to deal with my anger and grief and irrational feelings of loss.   Anna felt like a God thing.  Like He had this person out there and I was going to be her mom.   Anyway, just typing this makes me want to cry.  I clearly need to go and read the So it didn't work out but you still OK letter.

I did letters for Singapore too.  One for going and one for  So it didn't work out but you still OK.  I had that worried feeling all the time but with 3 weeks to go you allow yourself to relax.  It was f*cking devastating not going.  My Dystonia is my permanent reminder of that huge trauma as it was after the great big non move that my wheels came off and I went on the anti-dep that cased the Dystonia.  That company will never know the true cost of what they did to us.  We apologize for the inconvenience caused.  REALLY?   Oh, no worries, relocating a family with 3 school going children and your one dog (that would be the jack russel) and re-homing your other dogs and and and....    So I had that letter.

And now its time for a 3rd but all of a sudden I am thinking the other 2 didn't work out that well so do I write the letter?   Will it even help.  Mmm, I might still.  Its about my big triathlon race btw.  One is for me making the cut off in time and completing the whole race holding my medal in amazement.   The other one is for me not making cut off.  For pushing and fighting and sweating along that bike course but time runs out and the truck comes and makes me stop and loads up my bike and then swerves as crazy me is now in the road lying in front of the truck broken because I didn't make it.  I know I sound melodramatic.  Imagine training for 5 months (lost the 1st month due to bike accident) 6 days a week and you don't make it on race day?  In my head I know no one will say I was useless or a loser or a failure.  The logical side of me knows this.  I am a non athletic 43 year old with osteo arthritis, long term damage from Sheuermanns Disease and Oro-mandibular Dystonia.  I can only do my best, it is all I have.  On paper I am not the horse you want to bet on.  BUT, I will tell you one thing.  When it comes to determination, commitment, self-discipline and hard work I am a damn podium winner.   If I don't make it I will at least know in my head and heart that I could not have tried any harder than I did already and I really hope I will be wise enough to be kind to myself.  

PS, I know you all want to say of course you will finish but the reality is I am very slow on the bike despite doing all the training so while I might very well finish but I also have to consider the possibility that I might not make it.  I am praying that God honours my hard work and everyone will remember 2015 as the year the wind did not blow, the sea was calm and race conditions were perfect.  It was the year Melanie Loebenberg Novitzkas did her 1st and last ironman70.3 and finished it.