Sunday, August 5, 2018

Inside Out

Do you ever feel inside out?  Like all your emotions and heart and soul are on the outside totally exposed to the elements.  This is me at times, sensitive to everything both beautiful and ugly.

I would be such a good candidate for an anti-depressant.  I would feel normal whatever that is.  In the middle.  But ironically this month marks 6 years of living with dystonia which flares up when I am in this over sensitive place.  I hate, hate, hate my dystonia.  I hate the relentlessness and the hopelessness.  I am not sure if I have real toothache or if the nerves are just inflamed from clenching and pulsing.  The irony of taking something to get you out of a bleak place only to be left with something far worse.  Oh if I could turn back the clock and coax myself out of that place without meds.  But how many people wish they could go back with far worse situations than mine?  People who have lost loved ones.  Sorry, I am digressing here stuck in my pity party.

You know how you cry at everything after you have just had a baby?  That is me lately.  I can't even blame hormones as menopause has fortunately not made an appearance yet.  I don't know how to get out of this place.  Where is the exit?  Regular people will be advised to try exercise, breathing, visualization, journaling.  Ticking all the boxes there.  Gratitude, mindfulness and all the other granola therapies are also present in my life.  This extreme inside-outness means I really do see and appreciate all the beauty too.  But seeing and reading beautiful things makes me want to weep as well.  I am having an emotional acid trip and the intensity of everything is overloading my system.

It has been a crazy week, one of those where you cannot believe how much has happened in just 7 days.  People I care about are going through heartache, I wish I could make it better.  I want to make everything better for everyone.  I don't want anyone to hurt.  I know their is sweetness in sorrow, I know it sharpens us so we do see the beauty and love in all things.  But less please.  Give me a little beige, a little grey, a happy medium.  Where is the exit?

1 comment:

  1. Don't be too hard on yourself, Mel. I really believe that this is also part of the grief journey. It's a relentless path to navigate. Just when you think you are feeling more "normal", a smell, a song, a memory of some kind comes along to knock you off your feet. Sending love xx