Friday, July 13, 2012

Lost my Y??

So I am stuck.  I have lost the Y in FUNKY and now its just a funk, a dark and sludgy funk.  Shit I so want to snap out of this, I really do.  I am bored and impatient with myself.  I have done all the pep talks, I have just been on an amazing holiday, I have counted my blessings, thought of those with so much less, done the how lucky am I thing.

You will tell me think about those in shacks who are freezing and think about my opportunities and my family and everything else.  You will tell me God has a plan for my future, that their is a reason why the relocation didn't happen, that it could be worse.  I know all this yet I stay in this stuck miserable place and the cold wet mud means I just cant lift my arms up and pull myself out.  The worst is I am not even PMS.  Í am trying to fake it, who wants to hang with the boring depro person right?   Then I meet someone who thought we had left and they just can't believe how it all fell apart and I am forced to tell the story again.  In some ways it makes me feel better as I feel validated then as it was a crap one.  It was 3 weeks before we were due to leave plus I was probably the most excited up there person re moving.  I only seem to do highs...massive excitement and expectation with very little reality thrown in.  Idealistic, romantic, sentimental.  

Am I just miserable or am I depressed?   Will it just pass with time like so much of the hard stuff that happened in my life?  Is it the culmination of a long time of tough times?  The proverbial straw that has broken my back, my spirit and my hopes?   Being in this mud makes me want to close my eyes and just sink underneath it but of course I cannot.   I have family and friends and I still have a spark of mojo reminding me of previous bleak times that are now all part of my life experiences.   Maybe its meds again although you know I never last, the side effects just kill me.  I persevered with the Lyrica as it did help my back but after 3 months of clenching my jaw and hunching my shoulders I have given it up.   This bleak feeling could be part related to the Lyrica too as my back is really sore again?   Feck!  Who knows??

School starts Monday which means routine again and exercise for me.  It also means I have to hit my books again.  Did I tell you I got 88% for psychology, 84% for Anthropology and 63% for Psychology in Society?  Not too shabby considering the circumstances and how everyone told me to put my studies on hold.   I write 3 exams this October so at least that is a focus.  I am sorry I am so bleak, I wish I could change it and I will eventually but for now I am afraid this is all I have.  Chat next week, off to defrost in my bed for a while.  x

1 comment:

  1. Well done on your exam results.
    I think what you are feeling now is "normal" and definitely allowed considering how disappointed you are that your plans fell through. Perhaps talk to a professional someone about it for a little while?
    Strongs Mel.