Tearing of the Apron Strings

Daniel and I share a connection that is exceptionally close.   I think it has alot to do with his first 5 almost 6 years when it was just us.   The first 6 months were very hard and I took all the intensity of my heart ache and added it to the intensity of this wild crazy love I had for this beautiful boy.   My love for him and the day to day caring of him sustained me and we survived and then we thrived.   We had enormous fun together and not having much money meant being creative in what we did.  Loads of picnics and trips to the free petting zoos at nurseries.   Swimming wherever we could sneak into and hours and hours on the beach catching little fish and building amazing sand castles.   Sure it was tough too but for the most part, it was damn fun being a young mom to a clever funny happy little person.

Fast forward a little and we gain an awesome dad and 2 little sisters and a little of that closeness is lost.  Still close but no longer just us.   I grow up and he does too but the magic of the first few years stays special to both of us.  More years pass and all of a sudden, or so it seems, I have a teenager.    A boy teenager thank goodness because those girl ones look kak scary!   He is for the most part pretty well behaved and tame.  He doesn't smoke ciggs, hub or weed, he hasn't got horribly drunk although I am pretty sure he drinks occasionally and up till very, very recently, hasn't really had a proper girlfriend.   Him and his mates hang out, play PS and do stupid sh*t Daniel style like blowing stuff up or attempting to see if one person (him) holds an electric fence with everyone else holding on get shocked too. 

Yesterday I find out from Prisca (my heart daughter and his friend) that the girl he has been good friends with is now his girlfriend.  She had thought he had told me.  I then go on FB to see whats up only to find he has unfriended me.   I totally get why you wouldn't want to be friends with your mom on FB but he should have told me.  He should also have told me about the GF.  He says he was trying to work out when would be a good moment and would have told me the following day.  He knows its big deal because it is a relationship that has given me much concern and worry over the last year.  I promise I am not a scary jealous over the son mother type.  No Oedipus complex crap going on.   So my issue...worry about his un scarred heart.   Worry it will be broken and their is nothing I can do.   My own has been broken many times, the first time very painfully at age 15.  (Sorry June...yes yours!)   I remember my little brother having his broken too and how he would be afterwards.  Heartsick.  That terrible feeling that is physical, emotional, spiritual and hurts at every level.  I know I cannot protect from children from disappointment and pain but oh I would so love to try.  To postpone it a little while longer.

Who knows, lets hope I am wrong.  They just have fun and her feelings mirror his own.   They stay young and carefree.   She's damn hot btw so I did also implore him not to make me granny before I am 50 and he is 25.  Much as I adore babies and I am excited at the thought of being a young granny, not now!!!      Feckerama but this teen thing is tough.   Trying to get them to be open and share and then not overreact so you confirm the very reason why they were secretive in the first place.   I told him I see his life as a blank canvas and he can do and be anything at this point.  No mistakes have been made yet and the potential is amazing.   Yet I cannot really make him do or be anything that HE doesn't want to do.  Studying, eating, exercising, guarding his heart...its his life and I can only watch by holding my breath and wishing and praying and protecting with hands tied behind my back.