Thursday, September 20, 2012

Mortality Reality

I do not have an excessive fear of my own death and believe I will spend eternity with God in perfect health and happiness.  His love will feel amazing and constant with no doubt or separation ever.  I will lie on the beach on a large towel without a speck of sand on it and read and dip into the fresh but not too cold ocean every now and again.  I will eat delicious food and be able to see the people I love close by (not ON my towel though) and they will all be happy too.  It will be hot with a very slight breeze blowing every so often.   For Gary it will be watching a Man United game with his mate Stu and they will be eating chips and biltong and no critters or wives will be demanding anything . 

BUT, I only want this when I have had at least 80 good years on earth.  I need to raise my own kids and I need to cuddle my grandkids and maybe even have a great grandkid one day.  I believe I will live to be an old lady despite some shitty genes my folks have passed on.  (cancer, stroke, heart disease as well as an exceptionally generous nose)    My abnormal tongue movements and sore mouth have just not stopped despite being off the tabs for 6 weeks now.  I have googalised myself silly and read many instances of the tongue thing being irreversible which is so depressing.   Eventually I made an app to see a neuro after seeing my psychiatrist who is pretty stumped.  I had the EEG on Wed straight after the app and the MRI last night.  I waited 2 hours and they told me my neuro had insisted I do it that day. Oh Oh?  Urgency?  What does that mean?  Mmmmh.   I start doing the black fantasy thing.  I have a tumour, I'm dying.  Oh wait, God told me I will live to be old so I am not dying but I will have horrible treatment.  I will have no hair and be really really ill.  Everyone will weep.  I will get an au pair but not a hot one.  I hope Gary's new wife won't be too pretty.  Oh wait, I am just ill, not dying.  So young (ish) and so happy, just too sad.   After a very loud claustro half hour they pull me out and tell me they need to have another look at my brain stem so inject me with that dye stuff and pop me back in again for 10 minutes.  I need to fart but can't figure out how long I still have.  I fart anyway, what's a fart when you have a tumour?  My thoughts are morbid and crazy.

Two hours later she called and told me they have found something but nothing dodge.  Yahooo, I live.  She thinks its a cyst and is pretty sure its not a tumour or growth.  It explains the tongue thing that was underlying and triggered by the meds.   She will know more today and be able to tell me if its accessible.   If so a neurosurgeon will remove it, if not then I guess we will have to try meds to shrink it.  I was all perky and excited last night but I woke up at 2.00am with a bit of a reality check.   What if, what if?  They can't fix it, my mouth stays like this or gets worse, they damage other nerves going in, I lose my speech forever.  Feck, I have something on my brain.   So, I am making myself calm down to a panic and reminding God I am his fave girl despite having some odd beliefs.  I am standing on my perceived promise of long life yet I know He owes me nothing and told me in this life we will have sorrow.   I am human God, I want to live a long healthy life and I want the same for the people I love.  If you are willing to heal me instantly I will be very chuffed but if you want to give the docs a spin, please let it just be an easily accessible cyst that they can remove or one that shrinks quick stix.  Thanks!  Love you!!


  1. Ah, Mel. I had a brain tumor. I will keep you in my prayers.

  2. Re-read this now and wondering how your feeling and what's happened since this post?