5 days in

I took my gorgeous still green Christmas tree down yesterday.   Sad but time to move on and jump into 2013.  It has been a restful holiday and I am glad the kids have done so many chill days where they swim or do crafts or even just veg in front of the TV.   Don't remind them but I have managed to skip both Ratanga and ice-skating!   We usually go away for a week after Christmas but Gary has been working as his new site launches in a months time.   We have also ploughed the vacation money into re-doing our pool area instead and it looks so gorgeous I feel like I am lying at a hotel somewhere exotic.   The drinks service is a little slow and the hotel dogs that bark or lick my hand will need to be reported to management immediately. 

I start my study programme on Monday the 7th and the kids are still on holiday for another 10 days so it will be a tad challenging.  They think its less disturbing if they ask me something in a whisper.  I have one subject I cannot register for as it keeps saying waiting for exam results which were released a month ago.  UNISA you kill me!    I am really looking forward to getting stuck in.  I am also busy finalizing my exercise schedule.   As gym doesn't feature its all outside stuff with girlfriends.  With my studying and mothering I have no girlfriend bondy time so its win-win for me.  So far I am hoping for:    Walking with Claire and our dogs on Monday, walking in Lourensford with Bee on Tuesday, tennis with Colleen on Wed, Thursday is now free seen as I have broken up with my pilates teacher so I might swim, Fridays hoping to walk with the newly converted Michelle and Sundays is my early hike up the mountain with Jen.   Once a weekend is tennis too with Colleen while our husbands also play.  (Separately, they are far too good!)

My mouth has been the worse its been for a very long time.  Its so depressing.  On a bad day I write fake suicide notes in my mind so I can make sure the people who ruined my life will have to pay.   My quality of life has been totally compromised.  Naturally I include Derek from Carte Blanche so they can do a whole show and fellow Dystonia sufferers that have been poisoned by meds can be compensated.  Its just so painful.    Monday first thing I get calling and find out who can help me.  I googled a contact for the Dystonia  association of SA and the lady said to call on Monday.  I also think I need to up my meds or change them.  Or cut my tongue out.  Kidding.  I won't or kill myself either even when I think I cannot possibly live like this for the rest of my 41 years on earth I have requested.   My kids, my husband, my friends, my family.   Witnessing a suicide last year and the tsunami of pain and devastation is caused means I have to stick this out.  I know everyone or at least most have moments in their lives when they want out.   Even like me writing pretend notes.  Ironically the anxiety is OK and my back pain manageable.   Surley, SURELY there has to be help out there.  Relief and a plan to manage this.   Jeez God, how hard to handle that you won't heal me instantly.   Sorry.   Just so stuck in this and hate dragging the sh*t of last year into my new 2013.

Anyway, let me not start my day with pathetic self-pity but go for walk with my Goose and Sofie instead so she can scooter.  Exercise and hot tea are 2 of the things that help enormously.  I need to change the tea to rooibos but its so gross for me.    I will conquer this condition even if I have to live with it always to a manageable level and I will have a great year.   91 sleeps till I do my Sing-Cambodia-Bangkok trip!