Thursday, January 10, 2013

Teen mothering

Is anyone else watching the Big C?    V funny show!   I just watched the episode where the teen son gives his parents crabs because he shagged a hooker in their bed.   He storms in swearing at his mom and yelling because she had confronted the poor virgin GF who then dumped the crab infested cheating son.   During the fight the mom yells back about just not knowing how to parent him anymore. 

Parenting a teenager, feck!   Its just such a new game with totally different rules and it feels like the game changed over night before you had a chance to read the new rules.   The game doesn't seem very even either and in the old game you were the confident victor and patient teacher.    Our game had the biggest radical shift 4 months ago when my beloved son found his own beloved GF.   I am going through all the typical stereotype sh*t thats cliched and normal yet feels so personal and like I am all alone in this.   AND I have a fairly well behaved teen all things considered.

Its the withdrawal of the love and attention and closeness I battle most with.  This afternoon a mom from Sofie's class came to visit.  She is also battling dystonia and we were comparing notes/docs/drugs.   Her youngest is a 5 year old boy and in love with his mama the way 5 year olds are.   Arms and legs wrapped around her like a little monkey and smoochy kisses and declarations of love.   Now I get that this from my 16 year old would be very Jerry Springer and I would be jailed in the psyche unit of the local prison hospital.    Its going from that closeness and fun place where you feel so loved by your kid to Siberia.   Its the feeling that if you had to die the grief would come from who would do the cooking?    And make school lunches and lifting and the grieving of the loss of pocket money.    Last week he sent me a text inviting me to lunch.  I was foolishly happy that he was making the effort and even presumed he might have missed me and wanted to spend some catch up time with me.   My reply was a little unsure as I couldn't quite believe the offer but somehow it was true.    The day arrives and GF and Daniel get to the house.  GF was visiting a friend who Daniel doesn't like so she suggested he take me out.    Mmmmh, a leak in the love tank but OK, lunch suggested by her better than nothing.   Lunch then changes to an ice-cream later with me paying.   Off he goes to play a few hours of peaceful no GF playstation and I decide to have a grown up bond with him and ask him for a drink instead of ice-cream.    Um, well, Robert's here and we playing but I can send him home.   WHATEVER!   I am not going kissing his butt to spend half hour with me.  I went over to Tracey instead and had some wine and some whine. 

Do I sound needy and pathetic and Oedipus?    I am glad he has a GF and I am not freaky jealous or anything gross like that.  I like her, she is clever and confident and she accepts him totally.  His ADHDness can make him pretty irritating and hyper but she's totally OK and doesn't like it when he takes his meds and acts quiet.    I am also glad he likes her family and is so helpful at her house.  MAJOR sucking up to the in-laws and behavior that never happens at home.   I am glad he has gained independence and is so self-sufficient.   So what do I want then?    I guess I want some of the closeness back.   I want him to WANT to spend time with me sometimes and not do it like its a chore or obligation.    I want him to care and consider me.   I miss him and he hasn't even left home yet.   I was about to say I feel ashamed for the way I feel but then I remembered what my therapist said.   Is the emotion you feeling healthy for you?   I guess it is.  I am mourning the loss of my boy child and the closeness we had.   Its real, this feeling.   Its probably even normal and shared by thousands of moms out there who used to have little boys propose to them and promise to fight dragons for them and promise to live next door and climb over the wall every time they felt like a hug.   I miss my Daniel.


  1. Oh Mel I so hear you!
    I wrote I Want My Baby Boy Back!!! in Setember 2011 and not much has changed...

  2. I am so indentifying with this at the moment. My daughter has a boyfriend (first serious one ever) and they've been "going out" for 4 months. They are so intense and if his not out our house, then she is at his house. I just want her to be a little independent and also not to forget "family time" - his a lovely guy and I am fond of him but I also just want to spend time with her on her own every now and again. Young love, I guess.