Go big or go home

Although Nelson never wrote this poem, he did use it at one of his speeches and it inspires me and makes me think of our Madiba:

OUR GREATEST FEAR

It is our light not our darkness that
most frightens us
Our deepest fear is not that we
inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
beyond measure

It is our light not our darkness that
most frighten us

We ask ourselves, who am I to be?
Brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually who are you not to be?

You are a child of God
Your playing small does not serve the world
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other
people won’t feel insecure around you

We were born to make, manifest the glory of God
that is within us
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone
And as we let our own light shine
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same

As we are liberated from our fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others!

(Written by Marianne Williamson)

I have been told lately I am too intense, too tense.   People worry I am too serious, too hard on myself.   They don't get it, why I want to jump higher, reach further and be better.  Its not a superiority thing.   My 'competition' is only with myself.  I know stress makes Agatha worse and it certainly makes my TD worse and my tongue extra crazy.  (Agony at the moment!)   I also know much of my stress is self-induced and as I write I have butterflies at the thought of that 1.6km Waterfront canal swim I am doing at 6.00am tomorrow morning.  Yet, I want to.  Life seems fragile and unpredictable and I don't want to take anything for granted.   I just don't want regret of not doing things, trying things, discovering things.  Many will not be fun, I will suck at some and fail at some but I just want to try so many different and exciting things in my life.   My mouth is so bad lately and I am about to try new meds.  If they don't work I am screwed and doubt whether I can continue my studies.  They have to work and I have to, want to, need to, desire to do new and challenging things and live my life bright and fast and fierce.   My body feels so screwed with my chronic back pain and now the dystonia and I am forced to cope with this broken body.  On dark days I don't want to play, that prognosis of irreversible makes me sad and mad and just nuts.   I need new goals and I am hanging onto the word I had from 2 friends this year.  One believes God will heal me 100% and I will be pain free and the other told me I would have a good year.  It felt like a proclamation.  I will have a good year and than means a whole lot less pain so healing has to come.  In the meantime, no guts, no glory!