You may have noticed I have not mentioned my studies much on FB lately. I was on such a roll and then after the botox I got totally demotivated and haven't quite found my way back. Speech and swallowing was just awful. This is somewhat problematic as I write exams soon.
Having that annoying and exhausting competitive streak means I cannot simply allow myself to pass the subject. I go for distinctions which means I have to work pretty hard for them. 19 subjects done, 17 distinctions earned. Each semester I try and make myself chill and ease the pressure by allowing myself a comfortable pass. Then as I get closer to exams I think race pace...lets ramp this up a little and see if I can do really well. Its bloody exhausting and I wish I wasn't such a pain in the arse. I can't even blame my folks as they never pushed us or forced or pressured us to do well. I study on-line so its just me to compete against. So now I have 3 papers to write and I really need to get stuck in.
I have been thinking about what I am actually going to do with my Social Work Degree once I eventually graduate. Adoptions and fostering is one area that has a special place in my heart. Then possibly working for Nurture again as I loved working with Mel & my sis and all the other super cool Nurture chicks. And then a braver project which would probably require a few courses: I become a counselor that focuses specifically on bullying and the effects thereof. I teach parents and teachers and kids. I visit schools and do talks. I educate myself on the effect of social media bullying and I have a private practice as well to teach kids social and coping skills. BUT...one little problem. Yes, its Dilbert the do*s. My US readers I can't actually write the word do*s because its really rude. Its pronounced dowus but 1 syllable. As you know Dilbert is the name I have given to my Dystonia. One of the biggest problems is talking. Its painful and tiring. If you want to get an idea move your tongue around constantly and read something out loud at the same time while staying coherent. I speak against my tongue and I concentrate very hard so that I don't sound unclear. It is not a normal flow for me though and I can hear it sounds different although I probably sound normal to the listener. Unless the person is just being kind? I like kind, I will take it.
Anyway, having a job where the main focus is talking is clearly not that fab when talking is the one thing my Dystonia affects most. So what the hell to do? Just give up my studies? I am almost half way there. Plus my hope junkie self still thinks God might just heal me overnight. Or send a doc who can or some drugs or anything (God you just do your thing...ready and waiting!) Studying can get boring and tough so to think I might do this for these 5 intense years and then not even be able to practice is just crap. I can't give up though. Can I? Shit I don't know, it is pretty tempting as I get ready to hunker down and study my butt off for the next 4 weeks.
Going to bed now. Been up since 4.30am as we had to leave at 5.00am for the race today. Think of all the time I could use to train if I stopped studying! But we all know I won't stop, I have to remind myself even if I never practice the growth that I have experienced and things I have learned in the past 3 years has been literately invigorating. As a seeker and thinker having my mindset challenged and learning new things and gaining different perspectives has been priceless and regardless of what happens, I will never regret the 3 years I have done so far. Going to hobble off to my bed now because I wouldn't allow my poor body to take it easy on the race today. Mind over matter...