In the absence of work

I have never found it easy to 'just be' and suspect I might be a little ADHD myself.   The 1^st time I stopped working was a month before my daughter was born and I stayed at home taking care of her and then her baby sister and her big brother for 4 solid years.  In the early days I felt that void that leaving work brings.  We gain our identity and independence from our work so I had to come to terms with being a stay-at-home mother.  I felt really privileged to stay home and eventually I got over myself about my sense of worth and purpose.  After 4 intense years of babies and toddlers I eventually emerged with a 10 year old, 4 year old and 2 year old.  It was time to emerge from my Mama cocoon and become engaged with the world again.  I was fortunate enough not to need an income and working full time was not an option.  I had finished my doula course and decided to start my breast feeding support group from home, do some births and also start the charity.

As most of you know my success in being a doula never quite gained momentum and the breast feeding support group was a flop.  The charity however grew and grew and consumed my time, energy and focus for the next 5 years.  It gave me a sense of purpose and an interest that was separate from my kids.  I was challenged to fund-raise, to deal with volunteers, to engage in public speaking which was a previous fear, as for many other people.   Later when running Bosom Buddies no longer fulfilled me and made me happy I handed it over to my very capable friend Frances who has taken it to new heights.  I decided to take a year off but lasted 2 months till I was fortunate to work for my sister and her partner and run the surrogacy side of the business.  Although part time with a  low salary it was great to learn new things and have my own money.  I squirreled away every penny so I could use it to visit my sister in Singapore and go to Thailand.

It’s now been a year since I quit (left  job as I was moving to Singapore) and fortunately I have my studies to give me purpose and direction.  I miss earning my own little stash of cash but I don’t want to work and study, that was just too hectic.  Being competitive means I race against myself and set high goals for my studies.    Last year I managed 5 distinctions out of 6 subjects proving being a mature student doesn’t mean ones brain has rotted away.   This year I wrote 4 and the 2 I have results for are also both distinctions.  It’s such a cool feeling when you work hard for something and achieve your goals.   It’s not about what anyone else gets, just me.

I feel the same about my triathlon training.   Its great fodder for my competitive spirit although it’s a 1 girl race…just me.  It’s all about pushing myself further, faster and learning new things.   Just how far can I take this 42 year old body with its cronky achy back?   I was worried about how it would feel to run the 5kms after a cycle and this morning I found out.  6.45am found me cycling in the pitch dark and howling wind to meet my triathlon trainer and we cycled the 10kms to the race.  I then ran the 5km race in 27:40 which is my new PB and cycled the 10km back home.    He ran it in 20:00 minutes but that’s HIS race, HIS body (age 25!) and HIS mind.   In my triathlon in October I have no time pressure other than the one I set for myself.   People will be behind me and in front of me but they are superfluous in my 1 girl race.  Can I do it?   Can I swim those 800 meters, race to my bike and cycle the 20km and then finish off with the 5km run?   At this point I still don’t know but for now I know I can cycle 10, run 5 and cycle another 10 which is more than I knew this morning.  I’m just loving it!

Birthdays all around

Yesterday my sweet Rebeka turned 11.  She LOVES her birthday and its a very big deal.  Its all my fault as I love birthdays too and from the very 1st one made a major drama of the day.  The problem is trying to maintain that level of excitement and not let the day be an ant-climax which its bound to be.  Last year she had a shitty birthday with 3 hours spent on the ferry in Thailand.  You would think Thailand would be an awesome place to spend your birthday but most of the day consisted of traveling and they all got spending money for their birthdays so gifts were minimal.  This year the day was carefully planned for max birthdayness for my Becks.

Cupcakes for all at school, alone time brunch with Dad, shopping at the mall with Mimi and Mom and finally movies just the 2 of us watching Monsters Inc 2.  She knows I hate the mall and she LOVES it so really appreciated me shopping with her waiting patiently while she tried things on got to choose what she liked.  They love clothes and have since tiny unlike their brother who never considered clothes a gift until at least 13.  Sofie turns 9 this coming Saturday and she wants to go ice-skating.  My baby girl turning 9?!   Fortunately both parties are over and then its just Daniel on the 3rd of July who turns 17.   How did I get to this stage?   9, 11, 17?   I am VERY glad I don't have a baby or toddler and very glad I am totally done.  I will always envy women with 4 kids and would have loved 4 but I am over it.  No great longing for that 4th, no more adoption talk or dreams or thoughts.  It took years to let it go but at this point in my life, I am happy with older kids.  Next year my boy has his last year of high school.   Its a cliche but time does fly by and last week as I watched him walk to the car I wandered who this big gorgeous boy was?   My Daniel?   I used to count the years one by one of getting him through school.  Having an ADHD child, a boy no less and getting them through school feels like a mountain.  Grade 1, grade 2, grade 3 and so you go on.  This term he worked really hard and his report is good so I am chuffed.  I think having a clever GF helps as they challenge each other.

Tonight its my brother-in-laws 40th so yet another birthday to celebrate which is divine.  He is 5 years younger than my sister so it feels like he has been 30 forever.  Once you hit 40 the playing field is even.  40, 42, 44, its all the same until some poor old sod hits FIFTY!   Even though I have this kid who is about to turn 17 I still feel super young myself.  I wish I had known I would feel like this at 42 which is great because perhaps at 50 I won't feel like such an old sod after all? 

Tri training update

So half the year has gone and I think the huge goal of wanting to complete a triathlon is becoming more of a reality.  I wish I was naturally fit but unfortunately I have never been and its hard work for me.   I think back to high school now and my claim to fame is not very helpful…the clever kids became lawyers or doctors or professors of something.   The athletic jocks who were skilled sportsmen went one of 2 ways: they either became fat and lazy and never did a thing again or they stayed sporty and continued competing in running, cycling, swimming or even triathlons.  The beauty queens/models…not a very handy skill when you hit 42 and your looks have way gone.  

But hey, I have mind and I have matter and I am told by my mother how stubborn I am so by hook or by crook or by bloody sheer determination I will get this body fit and I will eventually enter AND complete a triathlon.    I started swimming training properly in January when I trained for xterra and as you know my 1^st and only race so far was incredibly tough.  I have since joined a swim squad who swims twice a week and the fact that I have to pay forces me into my cozzie on freezing cold mornings and hit the pool.  I swim with real swimmers and I struggle for the whole hour feeling less than adequate.   I’m in the lane with the old guy and the older lady with fins.  Its hard-core super tough training and I could never make myself swim that hard.    My max so far has been 60 lengths no break of continuous swimming.  On Friday I did 80 lengths no break.  That’s a 2km swim and while I know the pool will never compare to the dam, the fact that I can swim it in one go in under 45 minutes means I am getting somewhere.

Running is a new thing for me and something I thought I could never do.  I started in April and I have a very long way to go, literally and figuratively.   I still get a stitch and the furthest distance I can do is 8km without stopping but 3 months ago my furthest was 1km.  I love the progress of training, the setting of goals and pushing myself.  I love the self-discipline it requires.   At gym the most I can do is 5km on the treadmill and I am puke tired and puce in the face afterwards but that 5km is done.   Slowly, slowly I will get better and faster and more efficient and my personal goal is running 10km solid in 1 hour without feeling like I am dying.  I don’t want to run 21km or 42km or any marathon distance.  10km, 1 hour, yes please.  This morning Angela and I did the 5km parkrun in 29 minutes through the vineyards in the light rain.  Gorgeous!

Cycling you ask.  Well that remains the little problem but I am 1 step closer.  I have now finally ordered the bike which should arrive next week.  I was even nervous and embarrassed cycling in the parking lot testing the bike but I didn’t fall off and I could actually still ride a bike.  That rock hard saddle scares me but the salesman assures me a postman’s bike big seat will not be more comfy.   I know I should try a spin class but that scares me too.   Next week I will find somewhere safe to ride and practice and just start.  It’s always the starting that’s the hardest, setting your goal and taking the 1st step. 

  

PS.  If anyone wants to train with me the 1^st tri is only around November and it’s a sprint so short distances.  Also newbie cyclists or runners welcome to join us too.  My fellow partner in crime who is keen to do the tri with me is 29 years old so I need a few ballies my age!

9 months down the line

Remember last year when I had the big Mama wobbly when my son got his first real GF.   He had liked her for such a long time and when she finally liked him back I was terrified for his brand new shiny heart.  I just couldn’t bare the thought of his potential heart ache that great first love inevitably brings.  Yes, some childhood sweethearts do marry each other but most of us at 16 who just loved that boy SO much, ended up marrying another boy.

When I could see that love and friendship and caring reciprocated I finally relaxed and let them be.  It hasn’t all been easy for me and I definitely had to re-programme the relationship to a new level and a new way of being together.   One doesn’t feel jealous when your boy loves another but you do feel that pulling away and sense of loss as you see more and more childhood slipping away each day.   In less than 2 months he turns 17 and in less than 2 years, he goes to varsity.  Too quick!

To her he is not a child, not a boy.   He is her partner, her man and her person.   We all want to raise children who will be great partners to their love and I love what I see so far.   He loves fiercely and bravely and massively.  He is not shy to be himself ADHD and all.  He loves and laughs and teases and cherishes and protects and adores.   They are good together and I am frightfully proud of what a cool boyfriend my son is to his love.  I cannot predict the future for them and I hope they don’t get their hearts broken but I do know he will be a great husband one day.  As for being a great dad, judging on the way he treats his sisters things aren’t looking fab but I will put that down to sibling stuff and trust that one day in the future this big heart I witness will extend to my grandkids.  In many years!

PS.  While I know I am biased ever so slightly did I mention he is pretty damn handsome too!
  

Time for a new blog?

So the big Singapore Fling clearly never happened and will unfortunately never happen.   That relocation gap has passed me by and I am OK with it.  I started this blog just over a year ago when I found myself missing writing on my Bosom Buddies Blog.  Writing is so cathartic and a great way to look back and reflect on past achievements, losses, growth spurts, stagnant phases and all that life entails.  I miss the interactive nature of the typepad blog, having plenty comments and debates even though some got ugly.   I do know if you have an opinion and you express it publicly be prepared for the backlash.

So now I am thinking its time for a new blog as I am in this new phase.  First we had the charity and my surfing and my kids being pretty small.  Then it was surrogacy and the start of my studies.  Phase 3 was the big move and then then big non move.  Now, the biggest things in my life are training for my triathlon sprint, dealing with my in love teen, trying to cope with my oral dyatonia/dyskenesia and my Social Work studies.  New time, new focus.   Its tempting to go back to typepad and only about 100 dollars or so a year.   Or do I stay with blogger/blogspot whatever its called.

My new blog will be called meljustdoingit and have my Nike swish.  Right now though Mel has to dash off to take the girls to hockey.  What you think chicklets?   Stay with my present blog or make a change?

Not fearless after all

I am fortunate to be fairly fearless and much of it is by choice.  Of course some of it is due to experience too, undergoing various challenges and answering my what ifs.  What if you go overseas at 17 all alone?   What if you call off the wedding to a man you love you know isn't right for you?   What if you become a single parent with no emotional support and barely any financial support?   Start a business and fail?   Move to another city for a man? Endure an abusive relationship?  My list of what ifs goes on and the answer is you get stronger and braver and you tap into reserves you didn't know existed.  We all do this.

Unfortunately I do have a fear though which raises its hideous head every so often.  Its c---er.   The proverbial big C that I cannot say or even write.  Lately the number of C related deaths and people getting the big C seem to be on the up.  On Friday we bury a grade 1 teacher of our school.  I have 2 girlfriends with C and then all those other stories.  I never met my mom in law as 3 months after being diagnosed C stole her life.  My uncle who was kind and gentle and had the broadest back where all the cousins could ride on made it to his mid thirties until colon cancer squeezed the life out of him.  Four years ago in December my mom got ovarian cancer.  She kicked its filthy arse though and it slunk off in defeat, life won, life in abundance.

Unfortunately knowing Gary and I both have direct family members with C makes me paranoid.  I have such an ugly scar on my leg from having a perfectly safe lump hacked out.  I have little scars from having my moles removed.  When Gary has a pain or bump or lump my mind races ahead and before you know it I have grieved a loss already.  My kids, oh the fear squeezes too tight.  Ironically the only person I don't worry about is myself, I stay convinced I will die a very old lady one day.  

I am worried about one of my children who is going off for an MRI this week.  I'm sure its nothing serious, I am sure we will find a way to treat this and be pain free yet that fear lurks that chokes my throat and what ifs become dark and ugly places.  I am not going into detail as then its too real a worry so I will just ask for prayer and vibes and hope from my mixed medley bunch of clappers and non clappers that we will get a good report with nothing seriously wrong.  It has to be fine, it will be fine.

A month ago today

Today a month ago I was on a plane on my way to Singapore.  All that planning, anticipation and money and now it is just a lovely memory.  I guess that’s what memories are, good times once had.  It has been a very long month.   The 2 weeks away were divine and relaxing and I love spending time with my sister.   Although different in many ways we are the same when it comes to family.  My folks and older sister are not sentimental or big on occasions like birthdays, Easter, Christmas etc.   They don’t do family dinners or big Sunday lunches.  I think my baby brother Paul would probably be a little in between Nina and I and the rest of the bunch.  Nina and I love entertaining and family functions and girlfriends and holidays.  One of the big reasons we were both so stoked about me moving to Sing was the sharing in doing the schmaltzy stuff.  Picking out a tree, Halloween with the kids, birthday parties, Easter egg hunts etc.

Anyway, my 2 weeks back have been pretty good but my mouth has been sore lately.  It was perfect there but I was chilled and we drank booze every night.  It really works for my mouth, the good ol’ sauce.   Now its exam stress and family and normal stuff and my spazzy tongue gets spaz.  The tetmodis has been very disappointing for me plus I can’t go to the loo.    I am always too scared to take something to make me go because what if I am somewhere and I need a poo and I am unable to find a place to go?!    The horror!!  I see my neuro on Monday again to look at other options.  I want to try the deep brain stimulation but its finding a qualified and willing doc to do that.   If they screw it up I might land up with more than just my tongue being spaz!    Oh God it is such a pity you won’t just make it stop but I am grateful for so many things I will stop moaning about the few things you decide not to do.

My exercise is going well although I am still without a bike.  I have found myself a triathlon coach to help me get going.  He’s my swim coach so now it’s just the other 2 disciplines to work on.  I have managed to get myself running 6kms.  It sounds pathetic when people run 42km but I couldn’t even run 1km so I am happy for now.  I want to build it up to 10km and try and run +-20km a week split over 2 or 3 days.   I will swim for 3 and then find 2 days to cycle.   The first tri sprint will be in Oct or November and then Xterra light next year.  Maybe I will find a few open water swims to do as well.

Otherwise everyone is well.   We all loved Bieber and his show was so impressive.   I can see he was a huge Michael Jackson fan and the dancing and lighting and special effects were awesome.  He really put on an entertaining show and watching my kids rock that hard was just divine for Gary and I.    Studies: I have written 2 subjects and have 2 to go.   I know I did well in those 2 so now it’s trying to keep it up and not lose momentum. In July I start HIV and HIV counselling as a semester subject which should be really interesting.  I love that I am learning new things, expanding my mind and changing old thought patterns and view points.   Life does indeed begin at 40 and I made a conscious decision to start doing all those things that I had left on the shelf while I was raising my kids.   At age 8, 10 and 16 and being more independent I get to enjoy more time and freedom.   Yay for not having another baby which is something I NEVER thought I would say.

Time for bed.  To sleep the WHOLE night because I have no toddler climbing in my bed or calling me.  Funny how life turns out when I was SO gutted I didn’t adopt or have that 4^th and now I have moved on.  Finally!