While I am certainly still stuck I am no longer wallowing and I am trying to get out of the stinky sad swamp. Having a plan always makes me feel better, doing something constructive.
So firstly I am back at Pilates and back walking again. I hate pilates, I wish I loved it and I know I need to do it but it just makes me feel depressed. I am so incredibly inflexible and tight so starting again is like a 300kg lady starting a diet and hoping to get to 60kg! It feels impossible and I am not sure how I will ever get to some point of improved flexibility. I go once a week for a private lesson and I am supposed to stretch at home which I foolishly do not do often enough. Yes, yes...won't help if I don't do my bit. The pain of my back motivates me to continue though and I will, I will even start practising at home and I might do a beginer yoga class at gym.
Step 2 of my unstuck plan is long overdue therapy. Last year I had a huge trauma and lost something infinitely precious to me. A truth I had believed which formed my foundation was no longer and the wheels came off. I have recovered from the trauma and done plenty redefining but I did what I always do, put all the baggage in a box and pressed down the lid. Singapore was my new start and created some distance from that situation. Now that I am staying I should probably work through that whole event and time. I have found a lovely psychologist who I had made an appoinment with before I left. I saw her Monday and I really like her. She was actually laughing as I described one trauma to the next from the past 3 years. I didn't even get to the time around Daniel's birth or the fertility vs infertility time in my family. She made me feel really normal and confirmed the loss of the Singapore dream is connected to my loss from last year. I also see a psychiatrist on Monday to discuss meds, I am tempted to go back on the Lyrica for my back.
Then my studies are back on track with 3 subjects to get through. I have worked out my timetable and its very doable without too much pressure. Not working makes a massive difference and I feel loads less pressure. I will work again at some point but not for now. Now its healing time.
And lastly is some me me me time. I have taken out library books and read a couple. I have stopped the literal run from place to place and planned my life a little better doing homework at extra murals, getting the kids to wait for me so I reduce my fetching and dropping. I have booked for a walk on the 9th and I am hoping to find a great hike for Colleen and I to do. I have also started pottery! Me, a craft! I have always wanted to do it and Tuesday was the first lesson. I love the clay in my hands and have envisioned my pot which will hopefully be close to that pic in my mind, gorgeous! Only prob with my pottery is everyone in the class is over 75. Yes, 75 years old. One has 8 GREAT grandkids. Gary says its because pottery is a granny craft, I disagree!
So one day at a time as I get through this phase where I am forced to be a little kind to myself. I felt so impatient and irritated that I wasn't snapping out of it but it doesn't work, I will just need to stop a while and not force myself to fake it. I hope to post a pic of that fab vase soonest. x