I went away this weekend, on a trip. The trip started off fantastically and ended horrendously. On Friday the TD was really bad and my mouth still so painful and tongue still so spasmy. Gary suggested I go and see my GP and get something to counteract the effect of the Cymgen. My doc was on leave so her stand-in gave me Akineton. I took my first pill at 5 ish and later when I lay on my bed I saw 2 spiders roll towards me. I looked and looked only to see if was just 2 dirty marks on the skirting. I was amazed at my clarity of vision and felt quite spaced out. Saturday I took another and both my girls had birthday parties to go to. Off I drove marvelling at how I could see each blade of grass, every crack in the tar and every brick of every building. Later I looked down as I could feel one of the hairs on my arm blowing in the wind and ta dah…I located the exact hair. Fortunately Gary fetched them and I hiked up the waterfall with my friend Anton feeling fabulous.
Saturday evening was pill number 3 and I was telling my friend Martha how I could make this cool prayer cave in front of my eyes when I closed them and could see the black. Mmmh, she says. I also managed to look at myself in the mirror and could see how I looked. Now I know that sounds whack but I mean how others could see me. It was both good and bad as I could see I carry sadness in my face which I wish I didn’t. I also looked a little older than I thought I did but my bod looked good and my butt smaller than I pictured.
Anyway, Sunday arrived and I still debated whether I should take a pill before or after church. I decided if I take it after church then the evening pill would be too close to the morning one so at 8.00am I popped one in my mouth. Church was amazing. My pastor’s sister was standing next to him and I could see every single hair on her head. Linda has FAB hair. I could feel the ridges on my nails and see the threads that made up the fabric of my clothes. Every breath felt cool, the air going in through my nostrils and then exhaling again. I told Gary about these 2 amazing God visions I had and he wisely persuaded me not to get up and share with the whole congregation.
After church they had an alter call to go up for healing and I got up to ask my BF to pray for my TD. Fortunately my other 2 really good girlfriends were with me and we were chatting about my trippiness which at that stage, was still funny. She started praying and suddenly the trip took a very freaky turn and turned into a bad, bad trip. Hyper ventilating and crazy heartbeat and shaking like crazy from my head to my toes. Feeling so out of it in waves almost like contractions during labour that would come and go and feel like the unbearable part of pain without the actual pain. It’s hard to describe but it was intense and scary and I was freaked that I was still in church and people were packing up around me. I was so aware of any kids around as didn’t want to frighten them. I was relieved it was my close friends around me as I would get super claustro and couldn’t handle anyone or anything touching me. Just totally mental. Eventually my pastor came who is a close friend of Gary and has had his own battle with anxiety and depression. He could see I was having a bad reaction to the meds and they took me to casualty. Two little white pills under my tongue later and the awful trip ended. I stayed the night and got to come home yesterday morning. What the freaking heck was that? From a prescription drug? It has reminded me that we might call them meds but they are still drugs. It has also reminded me I just cannot tolerate any chemical sh*t as it makes me nuts. Every anti-dep, this akineton, the tramacet I took for pain that made me feel out of it and unable to read, the trepaline that made me cry for a week and suicidal. I will need to do this another way. Sister Tertia used to joke they have meds and I have Jesus but I guess it’s true. Exercise, diet, prayer will have to work for me as everything else just makes it all worse.
I feel better today but still anxious with a racy heart. The TD hasn’t stopped completely but neither have my desperate prayers. I just want all the meds out my system. I don’t want to feel like I have chemically altered my brain and I cannot fix it. I will stick to therapy but no more meds attempts. I am extremely grateful to my friends who stayed with me and held me when I wanted and stood back when I couldn’t be touched. Who stayed calm and prayed and loved and never judged. I know it was scary for everyone. Agatha is not popular with my friends and I know she will be prayed away. They are serious clappers, you don’t want to mess with them!
PS, the egotistical psychiatrist who treated me last year and who I had a massive falling out with was on duty and refused to treat me. After he screwed up early this year he phoned to apologize to do damage control and tried to get me to come and see him. He knew he had crossed the line but I decided not to report him. The fact that he refused to see me on Sunday even though he was right there makes me wonder if I shouldn’t take it further. What an unprofessional uncaring human being who clearly cannot recall the oath he has taken.