Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Permission Slip

I cannot believe I used to blog daily and now I am so scarce.  I guess I had way too much time on my hands and it was new so pretty fun to debate all sorts of issues and chat to my readers.  I have been wanting to do a few posts lately but every time I read or mess around on my computer, I am very aware I should be studying instead.  Responsibility, the curse of the mature student! 

I realised the other day I have hardly chatted about my critters on this blog and new readers must hardly know them.  I will introduce them properly at some point.  At the  moment my blog is very me me me.  Blogging by nature is terribly self-indulgent if its a general blog.   So this 6 month period is a me me me time and by December, I hope to be in a much better place.  I know I am not supposed to put a time limit on these things but time and money plus my personality dictates that the Fix-me-up project will conclude by the end of the year.

I am now 2 weeks in on my anit-deps and I think its helping.  The side effects are certainly better although I am still doing weird things with my mouth and especially tongue.  By the end of the day my poor tongue is so sore I can hardly speak.  I saw her (psychiatrist) on Monday and I see her again in 6 weeks.  She was much more chatty this time and I half wondered if the extra 5 minutes of chatting took me out the 15 minute time bracket so my bill for 20 minutes was over R700 bucks.  Next time we skip to the chase and do 15 minutes tops!

Then my psychologist and I had a second session and I think I LOVE her already.  She is just divine and funny and warm and gives me a new perspective on things.   What I have found interesting is the last 2 times I ventured into sorting out my baggage the same issues popped out which were unexpected.  Both were courses at my church and one from 7 years ago.   I have resisted going there and told her therapy seems so self-indulgent and the things I say so cliche.  Its all very Jerry Springer for me.   She told me I need to give myself permission for this therapy and it was an Oprah aha moment.  I had come to see her to try and get out my non moving funk and the trauma of the past 3 years but of course we go deeper than that.  I am saying yes.  Yes to going back and trying to make sense of who and why I am.    Patterns from past molds, perspectives and ideas and thoughts.  Its interesting that I am self-aware and can take a step back to logically look at something in black and white yet my feelings are anything but logical and in all sorts of colours imaginable.   They are what they are and I am going to discover why and re learn some truths and chuck out some fallacies. 

Truth be told I feel rather proud of myself for taking this step.  For trying the meds, going to the therapy.  Doing my exercise and my pottery and just working on this plan to sort my head out.   For taking the time out and choosing not to work for this time period.  I know I am not going to sort out everything in 5 months but I have already gained new insights in just 3 weeks.  

And now I am off to walk with my beloved doggie Lucy and my friend Claire in the freezing cold beautiful town where I live.  Gorgeous snow on the mountain means my big schnozz will definitely freeze off but the endorphins are always so addictive and delicious!


  1. Love your vulnerability in this post. Mel,you have been through a lot of BIG stuff these past few years. Give yourself time. Healing WILL come. Much love to you.xx

  2. What a great post, Mel. I wish I had the courage to do what you're doing. Hugs to you!