Monday, May 20, 2013

Not fearless after all

I am fortunate to be fairly fearless and much of it is by choice.  Of course some of it is due to experience too, undergoing various challenges and answering my what ifs.  What if you go overseas at 17 all alone?   What if you call off the wedding to a man you love you know isn't right for you?   What if you become a single parent with no emotional support and barely any financial support?   Start a business and fail?   Move to another city for a man? Endure an abusive relationship?  My list of what ifs goes on and the answer is you get stronger and braver and you tap into reserves you didn't know existed.  We all do this.

Unfortunately I do have a fear though which raises its hideous head every so often.  Its c---er.   The proverbial big C that I cannot say or even write.  Lately the number of C related deaths and people getting the big C seem to be on the up.  On Friday we bury a grade 1 teacher of our school.  I have 2 girlfriends with C and then all those other stories.  I never met my mom in law as 3 months after being diagnosed C stole her life.  My uncle who was kind and gentle and had the broadest back where all the cousins could ride on made it to his mid thirties until colon cancer squeezed the life out of him.  Four years ago in December my mom got ovarian cancer.  She kicked its filthy arse though and it slunk off in defeat, life won, life in abundance.

Unfortunately knowing Gary and I both have direct family members with C makes me paranoid.  I have such an ugly scar on my leg from having a perfectly safe lump hacked out.  I have little scars from having my moles removed.  When Gary has a pain or bump or lump my mind races ahead and before you know it I have grieved a loss already.  My kids, oh the fear squeezes too tight.  Ironically the only person I don't worry about is myself, I stay convinced I will die a very old lady one day.  

I am worried about one of my children who is going off for an MRI this week.  I'm sure its nothing serious, I am sure we will find a way to treat this and be pain free yet that fear lurks that chokes my throat and what ifs become dark and ugly places.  I am not going into detail as then its too real a worry so I will just ask for prayer and vibes and hope from my mixed medley bunch of clappers and non clappers that we will get a good report with nothing seriously wrong.  It has to be fine, it will be fine.


  1. It is a natural fear. One I have too. I never have a headache, it's an anurysm. Never flu, it's bone cancer. Etc, etc. Everyone in our family has died from cancer, Timothy, my grandson has JMML, my mom has terminal lung cancer. It's everywhere.

    I sincerely wish for great results on the MRI. Xxxx

  2. Love you Melly - it will be fine as I will be. Thinking of you and praying for you. Yes even I do that sometimes. Love B xxx