The critters

My previous blog readers knew my critters well as I often wrote about the 3 of them and all that they were in my life.  I guess when you blog daily you have the time and scope to be more detailed.     Now, if I am blogging or reading it means technically, I should be studying.   Trying to finish everything before I fly on the 10^th of April has been super challenging.    Everything was going great untiI I started on a morning dose of tetmodis as of yesterday.  Between that and the rivotril I could hardly stay awake and I had to submit my sociology assignment which I am doubting a little.

So far the tetmodis has been horribly disappointing.  The hope junkie is feeling a tad jaded after 2 weeks of my so called miracle drug and vokol difference.   I am now advised to take it twice a day so for 2 weeks I will hope once again and then see where I am at.  It will be my birthday day so hopefully God will give me a spasm free tongue for my 42^nd birthday gift.   But enough of my desperate, boring, painful and depressing  mouth.   Critters…

Sofie my cute pie is doing well this year with her tummy aches manageable.     For some time I have been concerned about her performance at school and my ADD-paranoia-phobia lurked for years.   Daniel was only diagnosed in grade 5 with ADHD but I should have picked it up years before that.  His teachers should have, his remedial lady, his audiblox lady and his OT.   Anyway, we finally sorted him out, made the agonizing decision to medicate and he has done well ever since.   The biggest freak out was the tummy aches and appetite loss in my already skinny kid.   With my Blixie-girl meds are not an option.   She needs to eat little bits often and I think the Ritalin would just kill her stomach.  I met her teacher and we decided for now it’s all good and average is just fine for her.  If she slips below I will intervene.  I have changed the way I ask her spelling and we read together at night (me 2 pages, her 2 pages) and it seems to help.   The other day she got 15/15 for her test and was so chuffed.  She actually thanked me for helping her and I wanted to cry with appreciation.  I will do ANYTHING to help you my Sofia girl.    I will give you my all and help you everyday for all my days if you need it.   She’s so darn dimply squeezy cute and I am ever aware of her growing up and savouring the last few years of this cuddly love time.

And my beautiful boy, my Daniel.  (He really is gorgeous, not just my bias!)    Well we seem to have hit a pretty peaceful patch and we talk about something when we need to.  He is less defensive and aggressive as he realizes I am not the enemy.    I stand back in awe watching how bravely and hugely he loves this girl.   First time love from a perfectly undamaged broken heart.  It’s been about 8 months now and we have all repositioned ourselves as you do when a family changes.   My dad hasn’t even met her yet so Daniel is looking forward to showing his hottie off to his Pops this Sunday.   The line between my dad, my brother and my son is so strong.    They look the same and that genetic blood line is amazing to see.    My Jewish roots make it extra special for me and I strongly believe in a previous wise Loebenberg ancestor praying over the male line of his family for generations.

And Becks.  Bubbly, bright, beautiful, sensitive, intense Rebeka who fills the whole house nevermind the whole room.    She seems to be having a better friend year and more able to cope with the complexities of female friendships.     Both her BFFs are in the other class but she got the teacher she really wanted so is delighted.   He is about to turn 31 and very fit and handsome so half the moms and half the girls are in love with the guy.  She asked me if I could marry Mr Kemp if her dad died but I had to decline.    So far no liking boys yet or any sign of puberty.   Thank God!   She claims she is only 1 of 3 girls that do not have a hint of hips or boobies.   I heard that puberty is a weight thing more than an age thing and at 40kg girls develop.  The bigger girls normally develop 1^st so there could well be truth in that theory.   Luckily ol scrawny is 32kg like myself at that age which means only in grade 7.

So life goes on through the normal thick & thin and I do one day, one day at a time as best as I can.  I am still swimming training and walking but cannot get my arse on that bike.  I know I HAVE to so maybe this coming weekend.  This past weekend we did a 30km up and down hike over a very hectic mountain from Greyton to McGregor and back.  It was TOUGH but gorg.  My calves are still sore.   Next time I post will be all about my trip.   SO soon now, nipping a little!   My girls pined after 2 days so the thought of them missing me for TWO WEEKS is hard.   Gary too, he loves me!

Vouchers, mag subs and a purple dancing pony please!

Nothing?  Really?  You really want buggerall for your birthday?    I am always amazed when that is the reply to the wonderful anticipatory question of: So what do you want for your birthday?!   I so don’t want nothing.  I always know exactly what I want and have a list.  I am not sure if that’s greedy or presumptuous but being of practical nature with a love language of gifts, I myself like it when people tell me they want X, Y, Z.  So much easier.

I love my birthday being sentimental and romantic too.  I love the sense of occasion and reflection as I look at where I am in my life, where I was and where I am going too.   Having lost too many young friends way too early, I appreciate the privilege of growing older.    I am pretty much half way through my life.  Although I am going through a very hard time battling my dystonia (meds day 6, no relief, wanna weep!) I am generally pretty happy.   I love my kids, I like my birds, I love 2 out of the 3 dogs I own and sometimes like the other, I love and appreciate my husband.  I am grateful for my parents being together and pretty OK health wise, happy my siblings and their critters are OK too.  I have amazing girl friends and I need more than 2 hands to count them.   My studies are going well and in just 22 sleeps, I turn 42.  In twenty THREE sleeps, I fly off to my Sing trip.

So due to the fact this is a random bday and I fly the next day, I have decided no party.   Maybe an afternoon picnic with critters at the Nature Reserve the Friday afternoon before should God bless me with plenty sunshine that day.   We had stern words when I turned 38 and my picnic had to be moved indoors due to Him listening to some farmers or someone else needing rain.    

Now I know this is a little age 6 but it’s MY birthday so here’s MY wish list:
I want a dancing purple pony and Justin Bieber to sing with me and an elephant who talks and a real tiara.   OK not really.   Maybe just the pony.  I would love the following:
Mag subs one/all of  Runners World, Oprah, Traithlon Mag, Women’s Health from friends/my sister.
A salad spinner from my mom.  Have always wanted a salad spinner, odd I know.
Spending money from Gary for my trip
Daniel to type me a proper letter and finish the collage of my jumpy Mel shots he was meant to give me for my 40^th.
Tennis skirt from the tennis girls Size L
Meringues from Priscy
Pink rain jacket from my walking/fitness buddies Size L
Pedi from Hermi or Thai Sabai
Pedi from Nina so we go to Siem Riep with our gorg slangkoppe aka toes
Toy style watch from Woolies from my girls
Vouchers from Sportsman’s Warehouse or Mr P Sport

Ta dah…easy peasy.  No endless walking up and down wandering what the hell to buy me.    Some of you probably think I am frightfully rude and forward and I hope you are not offended and you of course don’t have to buy me anything and I will even give you a piece of birthday cake.  Others probably think I should tell you I don’t want gifts and rather donate to my fave charity but I am just not that selfless when it comes to my bday, sorry!   Hopefully you will just think, typical Mel, no BS and just says it like it is and knows exactly what she wants from life.   Trace you can get me the purple dancing pony!

 

Spit or swallow?

Apart from public speaking , what do you think are one of the main fears many women have?      The big C: confrontation.     We are by nature peace keepers, nurturers and have that need for approval and to be liked.   I know this is a generalisation but I see it around me often enough to state it as such.

When we are upset or annoyed or angry or offended, we often have the debate of to say something or to just keep quiet.  Do you spit it out and deal with the consequences or do you swallow?    Let’s start with spitting.   It’s often healthy and honest to say how you feel and certainly makes it easier for the other party to understand why your behaviour or attitude is out of sync.   Of course this has to be sensitively handled and can be badly received by the other person.    If it’s over something that you have swallowed for years your reaction can seem extreme and instead of a spit it becomes a vomit of years of resentment or pain or annoyance.  In a healthy and honest friendship it’s ideally dealt with quickly by both sides expressing how they feel, a brief period of awkwardness and then a reflowing of that friendship that is hopefully stronger and more solid and honest.   If the other person is a swallower and afraid of confrontation, they might just ignore you though or write you off and you’ve lost that friendship which is one of the main reasons why we avoid that confrontation in the 1^st place. 

So swallowing… the advantages are keeping the peace, the friendship and avoiding the anxiety that accompanies the whole big C.    Many times with small things it’s worth the swallow and we make allowances for that person’s oddities and quirks that make them who they are and often make us crazy.    The disadvantages are the build up of resentment though and the patterns that some friendships take without one or both parties realizing it.    The one who makes jokes at the expense of the other, the one who is flirty with another’s husband, the emotional bully, the always late one, unreliable one, tactless one.   Now don’t get paranoid anyone, these are just examples and things that we as friends DO to others, ignore and allow from others and swallow.   So when does it become too much?   When is it time to weigh up the pros and cons and realize that keeping it all in is just not healthy and its time to get real and honest?  And how do you do this without losing the relationship?    Are you brave and strong enough to deal with the fall out?    And the mutual friendships that potentially become affected?     

I am fortunate to have had a few confrontations in the past that made me sweat with anxiety but after the silence, the chat, the brief weirdness, we have fallen back into the sweet rhythms of a real precious friendship  made stronger by the honesty.  I have many girl friends and feel incredibly blessed.  I have only ever lost one and it was a relationship that was just not healthy where I always felt terrible about myself.    It’s somewhere on my old blog and really was a poisonous unhealthy friendship.  We did eventually meet and speak it out and agreed to get to a point of being able to greet at the supermarket but to part ways.  The release and peace, so worth it! 

So what’s your style?     Keep it all in, take what comes, moan to your poor husband about x,y and z or do you take a deep breath and have it out?  Me, it depends on the person and their own style of dealing with confrontation.  How vulnerable I am feeling and how many others are affected.     A good thing to keep in mind is we as friends love each other and most of the time we don’t even know we are doing something to upset the other.     The intention is very seldom to hurt even if the action does.

PS:   For those of you who have been dying to have it out with me over something, I need 2 weeks off!   I started my new meds last night and I am feeling really afraid of the side effects plus I PMS’íng plus worrying about the stress my beloved is going through as they launch the business.

The partnership of God & Science

I do not believe in the exclusivity of either God or Science.    I have seen far too much evidence of how the blend is what makes the world go round, in fact what makes it round.  Just lately being present at the birth of a baby born to a surrogate and conceived via IVF on the 4th try.   We knew without doubt that God the creator was part of that process and we knew without doubt that modern medicine had assisted in that miracle.

I have prayed for healing for years now without success.  Its very disheartening because apart from living in chronic pain, you wander why He has decided not to heal you and you feel somewhat frustrated, sad, neglected etc that He who heals, is not healing YOU.   That being said I know He puts doctors and people in your path who are part of the healing process when He hasn't gone for the instant quick fix.   My history with medicine sucks and my reactions so OTT.    My condition I now have is so rare from the Cymbalta/Cymgen that my psychiatrist didn't believe me and reported it to the drug company incorrectly.   I feel like writing her a letter:  Dear doc, you were wrong, I was unfortunately right.  19 days on Cymgen can give you irreversible Tardive Dyskenesia.   Please bother researching this topic further and consulting my neuro who will confirm this diagnosis.   But whats the point, now that I have accepted this and stopped waiting for it to spontaneously disappear its time to try new things.   I still beg pray daily and my kids do too but on it goes, relentless.   The latest meds didn't work and now its time for the big guns, Tetmodis schedule 21.   You have to apply to a board to get it approved because South Africa doesn't stock or dispense it.  You then have to import it from Switzerland.  Mine has been approved and now I wait.   We are 3 in a year who my doc has treated for this condition.   One is a psychologist who has kindly shared her knowledge and experience with me.   She also used to go to be early sometimes because the pain was so bad, she was suicidal and effort of speaking and constant pain exhausting.    I get you sister!    The terrifying thing is the tetmodis side effects was awful for the first week, unbearable where she actually went off.  The good thing was doc said give it a break for 10 days and then lets retry.  She did and it has changed her life.  She has days where she forgets about it, no more depression or pain.  

So now its my turn and with my pharmaceutical history, I am rather afraid.    The irony of taking such hectic drugs to fix something that other drugs caused.   Yet I have no choice because I can't live like this and being hope junkie, I have to take this chance and hope and pray it works for me too.   I am going to phone her again so I can have a clearer idea of what to expect.  And pray, yes I won't give up.   God please let this be the answer, my body able to tolerate this drug and give me relief and my life back.   I pray that after 6 months the condition will be gone but if not, that I can tolerate these meds long term.   And while I am asking, please help me with the Rivotril withdrawals.  You made my body, fearfully and wonderfully and you know how seriously I take my health.  Partner with me and science and lets fix me for good.  Thank you and Amen and Hallelujah and I love you.  Please!

Go big or go home

Although Nelson never wrote this poem, he did use it at one of his speeches and it inspires me and makes me think of our Madiba:

OUR GREATEST FEAR

It is our light not our darkness that
most frightens us
Our deepest fear is not that we
inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful
beyond measure

It is our light not our darkness that
most frighten us

We ask ourselves, who am I to be?
Brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually who are you not to be?

You are a child of God
Your playing small does not serve the world
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other
people won’t feel insecure around you

We were born to make, manifest the glory of God
that is within us
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone
And as we let our own light shine
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same

As we are liberated from our fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others!

(Written by Marianne Williamson)

I have been told lately I am too intense, too tense.   People worry I am too serious, too hard on myself.   They don't get it, why I want to jump higher, reach further and be better.  Its not a superiority thing.   My 'competition' is only with myself.  I know stress makes Agatha worse and it certainly makes my TD worse and my tongue extra crazy.  (Agony at the moment!)   I also know much of my stress is self-induced and as I write I have butterflies at the thought of that 1.6km Waterfront canal swim I am doing at 6.00am tomorrow morning.  Yet, I want to.  Life seems fragile and unpredictable and I don't want to take anything for granted.   I just don't want regret of not doing things, trying things, discovering things.  Many will not be fun, I will suck at some and fail at some but I just want to try so many different and exciting things in my life.   My mouth is so bad lately and I am about to try new meds.  If they don't work I am screwed and doubt whether I can continue my studies.  They have to work and I have to, want to, need to, desire to do new and challenging things and live my life bright and fast and fierce.   My body feels so screwed with my chronic back pain and now the dystonia and I am forced to cope with this broken body.  On dark days I don't want to play, that prognosis of irreversible makes me sad and mad and just nuts.   I need new goals and I am hanging onto the word I had from 2 friends this year.  One believes God will heal me 100% and I will be pain free and the other told me I would have a good year.  It felt like a proclamation.  I will have a good year and than means a whole lot less pain so healing has to come.  In the meantime, no guts, no glory! 

Back in the water

I have been wanting to blog for ages and have plenty of things to chat about.  Unfortunately time as per usual is just too tight and blogging is a luxury and not a necessity.    Right now I should be doing my anthro...the effects of Islam in Africa and its connection to African religion.   Its actually interesting and my studies are pretty much on track.  If I wasn't going on my AWESOME trip to Sing, Bangkok and Cambodia the pressure would be less intense but I am certainly not studying when I have those precious 2 weeks with my baby sister in such amazing countries.  43 sleeps my peeps, yafrikkinhoo!

But back to what I want to chat about:    Swimming, water and I.   On Sunday I finally did my Xterra swim and I am presently officially an Xterra warrior.  You just have to finish to be one of those and I did it, I finished.   The build up was so huge and I thought I was prepared.  Its a little like birth.  You've read the books and done the classes and spoken to other mothers and then you actually go into labour and you cannot f'ing believe how hectic it is and just how little you know about this birthing and mothering.   We arrived with plenty of time to spare and a pumping atmosphere.   I love the energy of these events and camaraderie and I am always so chuffed to be part of it.   Many competitors were well know professionals from around the world and many did all 3 disciplines while some like me, were part of a team.   I must just quickly interrupt myself here to say if I was a single gal I would hang out at these events to meet a guy.  Hot, fit, healthy, driven men.  For you girls, not me!  I have a man, a hot man!

So I get ready wearing my new tri suit which I bought 2nd hand at a bargain and my goggles and the swim cap they gave me.  I tightened my goggs as they had been leaking which turned out to be a big mistake later on!   961 swimmers are at the waters edge with all the pros in front.  I am nervous but fairly calm until the gun goes off and everyone hits the water.   As I get in I panic and I can hardly breath and a hundred limbs are kicking and knocking me and I am freaking out thinking there is no way I can do this.  That buoy is SO damn far away and then its the next one and the last one. You think 1.5km doesn't sound far but holy crap it looked far.  I prayed and begged God to help me with my breathing.   I struggled the whole way wanting to cry and desperately not wanting to give up.   Stubborn me will die first before I quit but wow it was hard.   I also just didn't want to be in the last 100 swimmers and hoped to get in under 40 minutes.   Eventually my feet hit the sand and I ran through the water and up the hill getting a massive calf cramp on the way.  My cyclist was waiting for me pumped to go and it was finally his turn.  Then my fabulous runner which meant with the 2 of them we did pretty well and came 24th out of 65 mixed teams.  It was no thanks to me with my 36 minute swim but we did it.  

I wish I had enjoyed it more.   The water is very significant for me.  My post is getting too long and I will elaborate this story but at 2 years old I almost drowned and had to be resuscitated and rushed to hospital by ambulance.   People went on their knees that day and begged God for my life.  Someone must have come against the fear of water too because my love for water and swimming is beyond.   I have always been a fearless swimmer regardless of how insane and rough the ocean is. I LOVE it!   That panic and horrible disappointing swim was just awful and while I am super chuffed to have finished it, I felt like I needed my aqua-love back.   This morning I went for a surf and landed up leaving my board on the beach half way.  I swam and tumbled and body-surfed and just reconnected with my incredible life giving water.    

Naturally after giving birth my open water swim I swore not to put myself through that again but sorry, I can't give up so easily.  I will train harder next time, I will know what to expect, I will improve and I hope to even have parts of the swim where I enjoy it.   On Friday at 6.00am when your alarm clocks are going off I am doing the Waterfront canal 1.6km swim with some girlfriends.   The water is supposedly clean and checked.   I hope I won't hate it and get my confidence back a little.  I hope not to cramp.  I so want to master this open water swimming and I still haven't shelved doing a mini tri.  

This is my awesome teammates that allowed us a 3H31 minute finish time in one tough, tough race:
 

Might I have a thing?

What's YOUR talent Mom?  I remember Rebeka asking me that question after bedtime prayers when I had thanked God for all of hers.  Well lets go down the list shall we:   I don't sing, I cant dance, I can only cook normal unexciting food, I don't knit, sew, bake.  I have nominal ball skills and I can't do cartwheels or run or mountain bike.  Pottery not so much and mosaic OK and that's just because it doesn't require perfectionism or patience.  I don't have a brilliant maths brain, take incredible photographs or bake like a French pastry chef.  I am not especially groomed or smart although have been known to scrub up well.  In short, I am not a master at anything but a Jack Jill of everything.   I am an all rounder OK-ish at everything.  Now I should probably be grateful but hey, doesn't everyone want to have one area where they excel?  I do, I do!

My achey back takes me out of many things I have the potential to be good at.   The one thing I AM good at is determination and hard work.  I am not lazy and you add my competitive streak which means if I am not good but have the potential to be, I'll work my arse off.   Today, I SWAM my arse off and I am so frikkin' chuffed.   I find it hard every-single-time.  Like I never get anywhere or feel less exhausted.   With 9 days till the big race, this is worrying.   Today, I cruised.   I wanted to time myself and even though the pool is vastly different, I still get an idea.  My aim was 60 lengths freestyle in 30 minutes.   A month ago I had recovered from my op to get to 40 lengths again in about 35 minutes. I took breaks in between and did breastroke when tired.  This was a solid 60, 1.5km no rest.    I have booked 3 little lessons with my girls swim coach and on Thursday she taught me a few things.   I got in the pool today and off I went trying to be mindful of all Angela had taught me.  Up and down slowly but surely and for the very first time, I wasn't vomit-tired.  I didn't have to rest and I found my groove.  60 solid lengths later I got out the pool and checked my time.  32 minutes.   Not the 30 suggested but for a newbie, I am well pleased with myself.  

I just CANNOT come last stone next Sunday and if I can also not be in the last 100 (1000 take part) then I will be pleased.   Maybe this will be my thing?   Open water swimming taking part in events.   Improving all the time, getting stronger and hopefully having less back pain.   So I won't be no Penny obviously and I know I am way weak compared to most real swimmers but this gives me something to work towards.   I have a cool little group of girls to swim with thanks to Hanel and we want to do sea swims, dam swims, the Waterfront canal and all over.   I found a 2nd hand wetsuit for the cold swims for only R700 (R3000 new!) and have bought real goggles.   Í am so amped and although I still haven't given up on trying to run and cycle, realistically its probably out unless God makes me His poster child for perfect healing.  NO back pain and mouth spasms gone for ever.  Please God, I will smile so nicely and even wear make-up when we do the poster shoot.

PS.  I ate a carrot cake and chocolate Lindt ball just before the swim, it will now have to be part of my training schedule.  Clearly!