Monday, July 30, 2012

An A not a D

Forgive me for my absence,  I have been quietly freaking out the past 5 days.  I went to see the psychiatrist on Monday last week.  She was fairly intimidating with tight jeans and killer red heals.  My psychologist had warned me she wasn't warm and fuzzy though so I was at least prepared.  She was also busy sorting out some personal crises which took 10 minutes of my precious R1500/hour appointment.   Harumph I tell you!

Anyway, after chatting to her and describing my symptoms or lack of etc she said I am not depressed.  Dora, Dolores & Dorothy are the names of the triplets we have given to one of my BFs depression.  The trips visit her every so often and paralyze her for a while till she's up again.  I don't have the trips, just good ol Agatha my anxiety and the subsequent over production of cortisol that I live with.  Its too much and makes me super wired when out of control.  She said there is an on-line test you can do which gives you a score for traumas in your life and then the likelihood of depression/mood disorders depending on results.  With all the tough times I have dealt with over the past 3 years its no wonder my nervous system is overloaded.   Tick box for parent with Cancer, parent with stroke and heart attack, leaving my job, getting a new job, turning 40, renovating my house which took 9 months instead of 4,  tragically losing Gary's BF Aidan in a bike accident, Gary changing jobs twice,  breakdown of a very close friends marriage, starting to study, emigrating overseas, not emigrating overseas.  Hello!  I should be damn loony kapoony by now.

So whats the answer?   Well a 4th attempt at trying to go on an anti-depressant.  My problem is always my hypersensitivity to the side-effects.  They just kill me and I land up giving up and choosing Aggie every time.  I started Cymgen on Wednesday morning and today is day 6.  Fecking hell but its been insane!    I have literally felt like I was on drugs, the coming down horrible part.  My anxiety has been through the roof with crazy racy heart.  I can't sleep at night and then can hardly stay awake in the day, my jaw and mouth is totally tight and spaz, I am shivery and then sweaty, my pupils have been huge and the my whites super white.   When I served coffee at the school sports day on Saturday morning my hands were shaking and they probably thought I was an alkie!   Today I have taken 2 Birals which are natural tranquilizers so I actually feel human.  I am hoping I have turned a corner and will start to get accustomed to the side effects because I cannot function like this.  I see her next Wednesday again to assess how I am doing.  I will also continue to see my psychologist every 2 weeks.  I really want to control my Agatha and get back to the point where I enjoy the cortisol busy buzz but its not heart racy.  I need that depleted serotonin which will also help me with my back pain.  I want to feel normal and calm.

PS, I still haven't googled Cymgen so I promise I am not making these symptoms up or imagining them, its been WILD!   

PPS, I know I need to spend more time with God for some Shalom peace and get grounded again.  Its all part of this therapy journey I am on. 


  1. Mel, is she a psychiatrist or psychologist? A pychiatrist can prescribe, a psychologist can't.

    I'm glad you are taking this positive step forward. I'm looking forward to good results.

  2. Gee Mel, this sounds really scary. I hope that it comes right soon and that life can return to a better "normal" for you - sending you lots of angel thoughts and healing vibes.