Saturday, December 22, 2012

Reflection time for 2012

I have just popped over to my old blog and read my summery of 2011.    You can go check it out here:
I am reminded every year has its blessings and challenges.    My word from Him for 2012 was ABUNDANCE as you know.     Really God?    It seems I didn’t quite understand you.  I was convinced 2012 was a year of victory for me.  I would master my back pain and would be pain free.  I would beat my anxiety and Agatha would be long gone.  I would claim all your promises for myself and I would live this amazing year just kicking butt in the battle known as life.

Mmmmh.  Oh, you meant an abundance of TOUGH times.  Growth times.  Right, silly optimistic me.    So let’s think about 2012 which in some ways have been the longest of my life.
January.    All is still well although we stay stricken with sadness at the loss of Aidan on the 26th of November and then Cara on the 19th of December.  I start my Social Work degree but I am overwhelmed by UNISA and trying to figure out how to study.  I do a totally unrealistic study timetable and struggle to get going.   Sofie starts grade 2 and settles in better.  Rebeka falls in love with her teacher and Miss Liezel is now queen of the universe and knows EVERYTHING.  Daniel starts grade 10 and has a cool bunch of guy friends hanging around.  They all have bikes, he doesn’t and life is very unfair.

February.   Gary resigns.   Agatha loves uncertainty and she jumps on my back.  Gary is so much .braver than me and is prepared to take chances while I stay more careful when it comes to work and money.  He is a true entrepreneur.   He has grand plans to start his own business but goes for a few interviews .

March.    An amazing opportunity comes from one of the companies and they literally beg him to work for them.   After a short time of him checking things out and consulting in SA, Brazil, Dubai, Singapore and Vegas, they offer him a job.  In Singapore!   It’s back and forth negotiations that drive me crazy.  I just need to know.  One evening he sits in Dubai and I sit in SA and on skype we decide, let’s do this thing!    Let’s pack up our home and our kids and our dog and move to Singapore.   My travel bug is hysterical with excitement and we begin the very long process of relocating an entire family to a foreign country.  He spends some time there and they just want him ASAP.   June I say, that’s the soonest so the kids can finish the term and I can finish my exams.  
April:  we go over for a look see and do the major house hunt and get them booked into a school.   The fact that my sister lives there makes the relocation that much more awesome.     I am so excited that a part of me is terrified it doesn’t happen.  The whole family is and we would be screwed if it didn’t.    We spend days looking at houses, measuring and picturing where our furniture would go.   We interview a helper, I look at grocery stores and imagine the cool stuff I will buy.  We look at 3 schools too and we eventually settle on the Australian International School and spend big bucks getting them on the list.  The school is awesome and I cannot wait for the kids to see.  Daniel starts making FB friends at the school already.   They get accepted the following month.

May:  I get home and spend hours on my to-do list as well as studying for my exams.    The check list is long but we make progress daily.    Finding a home for Zara was huge and getting Lucy’s papers and shots for her kennel there was a bonus too.    We have a Sing bank account and cell phone contract.  I resign from my job and start clearing out.  Elliot gives us a moving quote which we accept.    I work on getting jobs for my domestic worker and gardener.   The new tenant is really nice and we chat about paint samples.  I am sad my girls will lose their gorgeous murals in their rooms.

June:   Our calendar date is getting closer and we tick off each day.  I have one small farewell but our main farewell is scheduled for 22nd June as we fly the 26th.   The weather is grim and we hate being cold but we know it’s not long now!  Nina and I skype every day.   We are just so READY to go!
One Friday evening Gary calls me into his study and tells me he has bad news.  It’s off.  We not going.  My face goes hot and my heart races and I think No, No, NO.   NOT.  This is not happening.    The whole weekend is spent frantically mailing and calling Germany and Singapore.    They ignore us, we are done, they have decided no.   They apologise for the inconvenience.   I am F*cked.   Totally and utterly gutted.  Eventually we tell the kids and Rebeka just wails and cries and says no, no, no like her mom.    I can’t take it, I want to die, she says.     To get them emotionally ready for the move took everything and they were finally excited and ready.    

Fight or Flight?    Do we fight them?  He has a 80 page contract which they had forgotten was signed.  Fighting would mean a Singaporean lawyer and court appearances there.    We can’t, we are just too wasted.   We insist they give us the air tickets they had bought and pay us back for the Australian School.    We change the ticket date to a week earlier and on the 19th of June we fly to Singapore for a holiday.
It’s bittersweet.  Thailand is awesome of course but being in Sing in hard.  They love it.   I love seeing my sister and her husband and War-War and I love seeing the cousins interact.  Gary’s BF Russell lives in Sing too and our whole family adore him.    We do the zoo, the bird park, shopping, ride the MRT, visit Sentosa.  We eat strange and interesting food  and love the heat after freezing our butts off back home.    Eventually after 17 amazing days we go home to reality.
July.   I see my new psychologist.  She’s awesome and I have a girl crush on her immediately.   She sends me to a psychiatrist as my serotonin is so depleted and my cortisol so high I am paralysed.   I don’t like the psych, she’s hard and pretty scary.    My back pain continues and she gives me an anti-anxiety called Cymgen (Cymbalta) for the back pain and for my Agatha.  The rest you know.  Day 14 I get Tardive Dyskenesia which later settles into an oral dystonia.   I hope and wait and pray for it to go but it stays despite quitting the meds.  The kids struggle, they don’t want to be here either.  Daniel is depressed, his grades drop badly.  Gary is just focused on trying to get a job and provide.  Poor guy, seeing us all so disappointed.

August, September, October.     I stumble on and slowly but surely accept my old reality is now my new reality again.    I allow myself to feel and process.   I see the kids improving which helps me.    Daniel finally wins the girl he has been crazy about all year, falling in love makes Singapore a distant memory.  I continue to struggle with my mouth and the painful tongue spasms and the brain scan reveals a large cyst.    I am hoping it’s the cause and the word irreversible will not apply to me.  Please.   Gary joins some guys and starts a company.  They get funding and spend months negotiating.  It’s exciting  but I am afraid to get hopeful again.

November.  I decide to have the brain op after I finish writing exams.  My studies ironically were my saving grace this year although I only did 6 subjects.     I get 5 distinctions out of 6 subjects and I am well chuffed.    In a year where nothing went as planned doing so well at one single thing was a huge blessing.   My little portion of abundance at last!!    I underestimate the op.   I land up having a craniotomy as well and have 26 staples in my skull and down my necks.   4 days later I come home and slowly recover.   Gary and the guys finally get the deal signed and I am happy for him.

December.   I am recovering quickly but my tongue, as relentless as ever.    It’s painful and depressing and it feels pretty hopeless.   That irreversible word stays hovering over me.  The good news is my pool area has just been done and it looks awesome.    Christmas is at my house this year and our table will look gorgeous.    I will end this year at my pool with my family and be grateful for my beautiful home and the people who live here.  2012 was incredibly harsh for me and I have no idea of 2013.  I do know my studies will be a huge part of my time and focus.   I will continue to exercise although probably give up pilates.  I hate it.  Its soooooo boring although I love my teacher.    Pottery will also end soon.  I am just not good.   I want to try make something on the wheel and then I am done by end of March I reckon.     As for my mouth, I will get more aggressive in trying to fix this.  The epilepsy meds did work but I have doubled my dose and they become less effective after a month or so.   I am not even sure I will make any resolutions for 2013.  I know Gary will be working hard as he launches his part of the company in Feb.    I will do the normal kid running around thing and study hard and I will hopefully have a year that is less eventful than this one.  I want a peaceful one and one without massive disappointment.    I will even take boring!   But this post is probably getting boring and just too long so signing off now.    Thanks for ‘listening’  to my long drivel, it’s been therapeutic .     x


  1. Sjoe honey. You've had a tough year. You've been battered but you got through it. You and Him. I believe that 2013 is going to be AWESOME for you. Onwards and Upwards.

  2. Your year was so tough. And you got through it. See how strong you are?