Unclenching, unfurling

I think its hapening, I  am finally starting to relax.  We are still staying at Phi Phi and we go back to Phuket tomorrow.   The flight over was grueling and the kids took strain.  After 13 hours we arrived at Singapore and took a cab to Russel's place (one of G's BFs) to have a little rest.  Landing time was 1.00am for us and I managed an hours nap waking up far more tired and hoarse than before I slept.  Then back to the airport and off to Phuket 6 hours after landing.   My travel agent had neglected to find out there were no more boats to Phi Phi at that time of day so we had to book a night in Phuket at our 2nd hotel which is about 70 minutes drive from the airport.  I wanted to cry at the thought of our beautiful Phi Phi rooms going to waste.  At least we got to see the gorgeous hotel though.  Thanks Sophy D for a great recommendation.  Daniel hit the shops immediately and can't wait to get back there.

The place where we are at now is ridiculously beautiful, like postcard crazy azure blue ocean and white sandy beach with palm trees.   I think of my friend Tracey all the time and how she would love the food and  shoowow clothes and swimming in this ocean.    I think of my Mom too as we had the best time ever last year in Koh Samui.  We have been out snorkeling twice and the variety of fish is mind blowing.  I know us clappers have many issues but snorkeling when you believe God created the world is just that much more awesome.   I have taken myself off my Lyrica which was prescribed for my chronic arthritic back pain.  Not clenching my jaw anymore is lovely!  Yes, waking up with my hips aching is not lovely but I'll take it for now.   Tomorrow we go back to Phuket which is far more crowded and crazy than this beautiful place but I look forward to shopping and choice re food etc.

Its so different traveling with my kids and Gary to my trip last year.   I love that I don't have to miss them or worry and I love to see them having so much fun.  Rebeka had her birthday here on Tuesday and Sofia has hers this Friday.  I don't love running after everyone with sunblock or sorting out inevitable squabbles that happen with us spending 24/7 together.  I love getting to see my big Daniel and spending real time with him.  He turns 16 on July 3rd so is pretty much on his own mission lately.  Yesterday we had our first drinks together having cocktails at the Sunset Bar.  We then went down to the beach and took the most amazing jumpy Mel (and Daniel) shots.  I will post one soon.  Gary and I have precious little romance happening with Sofie sleeping in our room.  We even had to go outside yesterday for a big smooch.   I like the illicit feel of sneaking in a little romance trying to hide from the critters.  Its a teen in reverse!

After 5 days in Phuket we go to Singapore for 8 days and I am excited to see Nina.  8 days compared to 5 years doesn't seem quite right but its such a gift and we look forward to doing all sorts of fun stuff.  Its 6.00pm here now so I better go and find my girls.  Daniel is napping of course, tough being a teenager

ฌนนกิัำ ะน ฟสส นด ันี รื ธ้ฟรใ  รหืะ ะ้รห ่ีหะ ะ้ำ ทนหะ ิำฟีะรดีส สฟืเีฟเำ++

Brollie in cocktail Holiday

I did a looooong post filled with charming wit and interesting details but stupid blogspot wouldn't let me upload a photo or close that window so I had to log out and lose the info.  I even left it the whole night in case it was just hanging.  I need to actually think what to do with this blog at all.   I know its annoying to try and comment so I might go back to typepad and just re name my BB blog and pay the money.  Its not that much anyway.

So most of you know from FB that I am about to on holiday, tomorrow!  We salvaged the Singapore tickets and changed the leaving date to a week earlier.  It makes the big days marked on our calender easier to handle.  Today on the 18th was Elliot moving day so the whole weekend would have been frantic packing.  Now today I get to pack my bikini and not much else (fibbing, not a light packer!!) and get ready to go.

We fly to Sing tomorrow, hang at the airport for 6 hours, fly to Phulet, drive to pier and hop on a speedboat to Phi Phi.   We have 5 days there of snorkeling and swimming and eating and napping and then 5 days in Phuket for shopping and more swimming.  Then back to Singapore for 8 days to spend with Nina and her family.  I want to show the kids all the places I have been talking about for months.  It will be a little bitter sweet but it is what it is and I have accepted it.   Once we come home I move forward with 100% commitment to my life and country.  No looking back or wishing or weeping or longing.  I will spend plenty time praying and yakking to God and journaling and just grounding myself again.   He is very easy to find in peaceful places like Thailand and I always have these amazing revelations when I have those kind of holidays.

I have managed to finish all my study assignments and for once I take no laptop or no work.  Best I go and pack and do all my frantic last minute stuff.   Thanks God for this trip, please keep us safe and pour your favour on every little detail like flights, luggage, hotels etc.  Amen and hallelujahhh! 

Seeking Silver

So a week later I am in a much better place.  My head is still somewhat screwy but not quite as shocked and freaked out as before.   I'm a Nike girl.  I have a swoosh on my work signature.  Wait, I HAD a swoosh on my signature but I now don't have a job anymore as I resigned when I was emigrating.   I could never say the e word, emigrating.  Now that I am not going I can though, odd I know.  

I also have Just do it on my BB messenger on my phone.  I strongly maintain we regret the things we don't do far more than those we do.  I am not afraid to take a chance, to take a risk.   The upside of this Nike philosophy means a max life and all sorts of experiences.  The down side is the lows, the failures and mistakes I make from not being careful.  The great disappointment following a wild bout of excitement at some possibility that didn't work out.   When I was a teen and in my early twenties I would fall madly in love with a boy only to have my heart broken before dusting myself off and declaring the next boy to be the one.   (mmmh, sounds slagish but all fairly innocent if somewhat intense)

I have done many brave things in my life and some were good and some not so much but I have few regrets.  Do I regret this move-that-never-happened?   I don't know yet but I have found the silver lining in staying here and also in the decision to move at all.   I did it, I forced myself out of my comfortable existence and took a leap.  Yes, yes I know I crashed but the point is I did it.  It makes next time experiences easier, the fact that I now know I can.  It also showed me how amazing my friends are.  I have many friends who are crazy busy like me and who I don't see often.  It forced us to take some time out and spend it together.  It made us think of what we meant to each other and gave us that chance to express the value of our friendship.  My friends I see more often being so chuffed we staying obviously made us feel really loved too. My children's friends being so pleased to keep us here.      

The other bonus is I had tied up all the things I was committed to like work, teaching Sunday school and volunteering for Bosom Buddies.  I am free agent for the first time in years.  I am supposed to pick up those 3 subjects but I'm not.  I will keep my 2 year subjects but for once in my life I will just chill a while.  Well I will try.  I will heal from the collective stress from the past 3 and half years which have been one thing after another.  My sore back has been bad, my muscle tone wonky with clenchy jaw, hunchy shoulders and hands in fists.  My nervous system is just shot and I will recover and get my life balanced again.  I've even signed up for a pottery class which I have wanted to do for 20 years now.   This is it, I have to be happy here.  Do I still wish I was going?  Yes.  Am I OK with staying?  I have to, I have to Just Do It!

The boyfriend Analogy

So we did wedding yesterday and today is boyfriend.   You will be pleased to know this is my last wallow post.  I am going to force myself out of this miserable funk and grow some balls.  They will be small ones initially (it is cold after all) but they will grow as time passes.  Next post will be my Pollyanna post and what I plan to do with my life in SA going forward.

I was telling this boyfriend analogy to Gary the other day before we got the no-move news.  How you have this boyfriend and you make it work but then things don’t go well and things start to annoy you.  You eventually break up after telling him that his mother smells and his father felt your bum a few times.  You also think to yourself how he had a rather small penis and things were not that hot.   (You don’t tell him this though, just too cruel!)   My boyfriend was SA as I was getting ready to go and the cold was getting to me and the gross inefficiency, crime etc.   The good stuff has always outweighed all this but when you leave, focusing on the bad stuff makes it easier.

Now my boyfriend and I are back together and I have to persuade myself his penis is just fine and with a little deo his mom will smell better.  His father probably had his hand on my arse by accident, a few times.   I think it would be easier if it wasn’t such miserable weather.  I do NOT lover winter.   I would be the one person in Sing would wouldn’t have an issue with the heat.   I need to swim for my back but I can’t seem to get myself in the water.   I will get used to the not so divine stuff about my country again and accept it as I simply don’t have a choice.    The crime pisses me off and checking out the mugging/rape possibility of an empty field before we walk through is just a reality of being here.  I do love the incredible mountains where I live and I love that in summer I get to swim in our ocean sans oil like in Sing.   I love my friends & family who have all been so supportive and I love my home.  I will totally love living here again and accept that no boyfriend is perfect.  I just can’t do it very well right now.

Next step is TTLFT.  Things to Look Forward to.  I have to have them, always.  They can be little or big but I need them for my happiness.   Perky Pollyanna post to follow!

Flowers, cake and veil.

I know this sounds somewhat melodramatic but I feel very jilted bride-ish.  For months I have planned this perfect wedding.  I have spent many hours and much money on the perfect dress and the flowers.  The wedding cake and guest list and flowergirls.

Of course the niggling discomfort don't- do- it- gut- feeling was totally ignored as I got swept up in the fantasy.  My concern of how reliable and trustworthy my groom was paled in comparison to the dream wedding.  Gifts are given, church is full and there I stand waiting but he doesn't show.   After it has eventually sunk in I begin the long process of returning presents and trying to salvage what money I can from returning things.   That whole life I had pictured disappears and its time to get back to 'normal.'

So far I have done pretty well in my un-do list and we are close to normal.  I keep on remembering little things but just cope as I do and try and fix it up.  The kids seem better and more resigned with less tears.  Rebeka went back to school today.    The hard thing is I had done so much rah rah rahing about how awesome it was and got them to feel less awesome about life here.  I had convinced them how much happier Zara would be on the farm and I still actually think so.  Sofia wanted a zoo party but I told her our zoo is sad and depressing and Singapore zoo is incredible.   School plays?   But you can get the video and you anyway at the back.  Your bedroom, yes but you will get new fancy bunkbeds and will have your own bathroom.   Rebeka had chosen her awesome school activities like scrap booking and cooking etc.  They were psyched, I had done this excellent job of getting them ready.  

I think I just need the next 3 weeks to pass.  We had so many big days on our calender.  I told Sofie we can do Ratanga on her birthday, if it rains we can go ice-skating.   The actual fly of the 26th will be nasty but somehow I still hope we fly somewhere anyway.   And after 4th of July my calender is clean and then I fill it with cool things in my cool country and work on new exciting things to look forward to.  

Thanks for all the cool FB msgs btw.  I  promise I will suck it up and stop being so awful but I just need some time to get over it.  I'm not actually a negative person so hoping this woe is me self-pity party won't last. 

Here is my Sofie's calender on her door.  I promised her only 3 more Tina Cowley Reading sessions so now we have to stick to it!  I need to chuck mine away, it makes me feel sh*t reading it plus it reminds me of my Psychology exam next week that I can't seem to study for! 

Over

It’s over, my adventure is over before it even begun.  The company that Gary was going to work for informed us this weekend.   3 weeks before we leave.

Everything is shattered.  Everyone is shattered.  I am nauseous with shock and disappointment.  Who knew being this disappointed could make you sick.  I want to vomit.  My back hurts extra bad and my mouth is dry.   I have called off a wedding after I had the dress and the house and the whole bang shoot.  I have called off an IVF for my 4^th and I have given up on adopting my daughter and somehow this shattered feeling surpasses all of that.  The school we had chosen for them and finally got them in to.  My sister who I was looking so forward to getting to know in a whole new way.  Her family.   My nervy little Sofie getting to feel safe.  (She is so paranoid!)  

What a total and complete Mind-F*ck.   So close to having everything in order, even the vet called Saturday morning to say Lucy’s tests were clear and I could book her kennel space.  Daniel has chosen his subjects, we are booked in a place to stay for month 1.   I have given up my job.   We have to be out our house at the end of the month.   Zara’s new owners.  Oh my frikkin’word.   What am I going to do?  How do I do this?

I want to hide away for ever.  I don’t want to see anyone or speak to anyone.   I am embarrassed.  This blog title… 

I am trying to remind myself we are all OK, together.  That something else will come up.  That God has a plan.   For now though, oh this feels unbearably cruel.    Please pray for us.  

Preparing the kids for this move has been enormous.  All that head psyching preparing and counseling to get them ready and secure.   And now to say we stay, well you can only imagine how we all fee.   Desperate, just desperate.  

So why AM I moving so far away?

Last week Sunday I was chatting to my niece Katie.  So why you moving so far away Auntie Mel?   Why indeed Katie?  Why am I leaving the country I love and I am passionate about.  Why am I leaving my very good girlfriends who are my support network.  My church.  My rottie Zara and cat Charlie.  My home that is finally just how I want it.  My family.  My studies, my job, my LIFE!

Its difficult when you are actually really happy where you are at and life is good.  When your kids are settled in their schools and doing well.  Sofie my 7 year old had such a hard year last year in grade 1.  It was an enormous adaption for her and she struggled.  This year she is doing loads better and has an awesome teacher.  Actually last year's teacher was great too but Mrs H is a better fit I think.  Taking them out of school and their gorgeous bedrooms is the hardest thing of all.  At their age their teacher is a like a rock star, I don't think my teen Daniel has quite the same level of adoration for his teachers.

I am moving because I have this little travel bug that has lived in me since I was 16 and I went on a 2 week Truworths modelling trip to Rio and El Salvador.   I love the adventure and excitement of a new place.  I love the foreignness.  I crave adventure and change and enjoy pushing myself to see how I cope and who I actually am.  Sometimes I surprise myself, other times I disappoint myself but its all healthy growth with new perspectives and insights.  I know living somewhere is not a holiday. That reality will bite and I will get homesick.  I know some days my kids will cry and want to come back to SA and I will feel guilty and question what the hell we are doing.   But I also know that our minds will grow and we will all learn so many things.  I know my kids will change and develop and the world and their lives subsequently will never be the same had we stayed.   I want to be hot and swim every day, I want interesting food and things to look at.  Places I have never been. I want to feel safe and be in a place where everything works.   I know its over polite and a little sterile compared to my raw Africa but I can do with a little safe for now! 

The overwhelming schlepp has robbed me of much of the joy and excitement of going but every now and again I think of something cool and it comes back.  In 25 days I will be on a plane, no return date in mind.   My home will have other people living in it.   Crazy!   The stress of this is making me close to cracking but I do believe in what we doing and this is why I am moving so far away.  For now!