Over

It’s over, my adventure is over before it even begun.  The company that Gary was going to work for informed us this weekend.   3 weeks before we leave.

Everything is shattered.  Everyone is shattered.  I am nauseous with shock and disappointment.  Who knew being this disappointed could make you sick.  I want to vomit.  My back hurts extra bad and my mouth is dry.   I have called off a wedding after I had the dress and the house and the whole bang shoot.  I have called off an IVF for my 4^th and I have given up on adopting my daughter and somehow this shattered feeling surpasses all of that.  The school we had chosen for them and finally got them in to.  My sister who I was looking so forward to getting to know in a whole new way.  Her family.   My nervy little Sofie getting to feel safe.  (She is so paranoid!)  

What a total and complete Mind-F*ck.   So close to having everything in order, even the vet called Saturday morning to say Lucy’s tests were clear and I could book her kennel space.  Daniel has chosen his subjects, we are booked in a place to stay for month 1.   I have given up my job.   We have to be out our house at the end of the month.   Zara’s new owners.  Oh my frikkin’word.   What am I going to do?  How do I do this?

I want to hide away for ever.  I don’t want to see anyone or speak to anyone.   I am embarrassed.  This blog title… 

I am trying to remind myself we are all OK, together.  That something else will come up.  That God has a plan.   For now though, oh this feels unbearably cruel.    Please pray for us.  

Preparing the kids for this move has been enormous.  All that head psyching preparing and counseling to get them ready and secure.   And now to say we stay, well you can only imagine how we all fee.   Desperate, just desperate.