Seeking Silver

So a week later I am in a much better place.  My head is still somewhat screwy but not quite as shocked and freaked out as before.   I'm a Nike girl.  I have a swoosh on my work signature.  Wait, I HAD a swoosh on my signature but I now don't have a job anymore as I resigned when I was emigrating.   I could never say the e word, emigrating.  Now that I am not going I can though, odd I know.  

I also have Just do it on my BB messenger on my phone.  I strongly maintain we regret the things we don't do far more than those we do.  I am not afraid to take a chance, to take a risk.   The upside of this Nike philosophy means a max life and all sorts of experiences.  The down side is the lows, the failures and mistakes I make from not being careful.  The great disappointment following a wild bout of excitement at some possibility that didn't work out.   When I was a teen and in my early twenties I would fall madly in love with a boy only to have my heart broken before dusting myself off and declaring the next boy to be the one.   (mmmh, sounds slagish but all fairly innocent if somewhat intense)

I have done many brave things in my life and some were good and some not so much but I have few regrets.  Do I regret this move-that-never-happened?   I don't know yet but I have found the silver lining in staying here and also in the decision to move at all.   I did it, I forced myself out of my comfortable existence and took a leap.  Yes, yes I know I crashed but the point is I did it.  It makes next time experiences easier, the fact that I now know I can.  It also showed me how amazing my friends are.  I have many friends who are crazy busy like me and who I don't see often.  It forced us to take some time out and spend it together.  It made us think of what we meant to each other and gave us that chance to express the value of our friendship.  My friends I see more often being so chuffed we staying obviously made us feel really loved too. My children's friends being so pleased to keep us here.      

The other bonus is I had tied up all the things I was committed to like work, teaching Sunday school and volunteering for Bosom Buddies.  I am free agent for the first time in years.  I am supposed to pick up those 3 subjects but I'm not.  I will keep my 2 year subjects but for once in my life I will just chill a while.  Well I will try.  I will heal from the collective stress from the past 3 and half years which have been one thing after another.  My sore back has been bad, my muscle tone wonky with clenchy jaw, hunchy shoulders and hands in fists.  My nervous system is just shot and I will recover and get my life balanced again.  I've even signed up for a pottery class which I have wanted to do for 20 years now.   This is it, I have to be happy here.  Do I still wish I was going?  Yes.  Am I OK with staying?  I have to, I have to Just Do It!