STLFT

Something to look forward to.  As someone who is a bit of a yo-yo bouncing from ecstasy to bouts of hopelessness or despair, I just have to have STLFT.   It doesn't have to be a huge thing but something that makes me feel happy or excited at the anticipation of it.     Christmas on its own would have done it just fine and tomorrow the girls finally eat the 1st chocolate on their Christmas calenders.   I ALWAYS get a real live delicious smelling tree.  I don't know if its PC or if I am being anti-green but I am so frikkin law abiding recycling non wasting health conscious that I figure I can indulge myself in a massive green pine smelling tree every year that makes me very happy every time I walk into the room.

I love the prezzies, I love family, I love church that morning where we celebrate the gift of Christ and every kid brings his or her new barbie or transformer or whatever FC gave that year.  Although I don't know how to do proper roast Christmassy kind of food, between Woolies and my mom and Tertia's mom-in-law we seem to do just fine.  This year I am hosting and I am looking forward to doing a beautiful table and having the kids all swim and just chilling.  The suck bit is always missing sister Nina and her family and baby brother Paul and his GF.  I can imagine I might have the same problem with my kids one day as I have encouraged them to love travel early.   Speaking of travel.....

Well I have something kickarse to look forward to.   My most fave thing to do in the world apart from swimming or being at the beach on a perfect day.  In 130 days, the day after my 42nd birthday, I board a plane for Singapore to visit Nina and her family.   I arrive early Thursday morning and spend the weekend in one of my most fave cities.  I hope it will be a little less bittersweet than my last holiday there where I kept on thinking:  THIS city was supposed to be my home, this is their school, this is the neighborhood where we were going to live, the park where I would walk my Lucy.  I think I am over it, what the feck can I do anyway, my chance to live overseas while my kids are young is over and we have all moved on.  Anyhoo, back to the fun stuff.  On the Monday morning Nina and I fly to Cambodia for 4 days.  We are staying in Siem Riep which Nina says is incredible with amazing temples.   Food and drink is cheap there and our hotel is really reasonable too.  I am paying for my holiday by myself.    I saved and scrimped from my last surrogacy job which all went into my travel fund.  Only prob is I have committed to visiting Nina once a year wherever she might live and I have no way of earning for my next trip.  Oh well, will worry about that in April 2014!   We get back to Sing on the Friday and then the following day is back to the airport where we fly to Bangkok for 2 days to her good friend Vivienne.  Viv is Thai so will really know where to go and what to do in our short 48 hours there.   I get back to Sing on Monday night and I fly back to SA late on Tuesday night.  It feels like Amazing Race, going from one place to another.  I will probably return exhausted and I write exams 13 days later but I will make sure I am super prepared before I leave.

I know its ages away but I can tuck it into my happy heart section and if I feel bleak or overwhelmed by studies or mothering or life in general I can take it out and think about it and get that rushy excited nervy feeling in my tummy.  I do know how fortunate I am to travel and I do appreciate the opportunity.   I feel like after this year and surviving this brain op I just want to live and let live.   I am in a good space in my life and while my body is still fragile and recovering, I know I am getting better.    I am over the bullshit, especially the bits that taint my walk with God or affects my family.  I am done fighting about what doesn't matter or trying to defend my choices.   Live and let live, I think that will be my motto for 2013. Maybe even the name of this blog if I decide to change it.   Yay for being alive!

PS:   Pic is of Nina and I in Ko Samui in April 2011