Thursday, November 8, 2012

Zoe vs Peggy

4 days to go.    I swing between Zoe and Peggy.  Zoe means life and think about how determined I am to live a good one, even when the kak times inevitably hit.  I think about next week and I know I will be just fine and believe all of you when you say so too.   I feel very fortunate to be who I am and where I am in my life.  I am excited for the future and hopeful.

Then we have Peggy.  As in going to peg.   It took me years to get Gary to write a peg letter which is safely stowed in the safe and God willing, (Oh please Lord!!!) shall remain there for years and decades until such time I open it and need my glasses to read it I am so old.   I guess peg letters need updates though.   I of course haven't written mine which I will do at some point soon.  I suppose because I have no money or policies I have no instructions he will need to know.  I do however have heart instructions, especially concerning my kids but as mentioned, my friends and family and Gary himself know who I am and what I stand for.

I better not peg!  I better not.  Feck.  Or get spazzy and dribbly!  I think its knowing my extreme reactions to all medications that is freaking me out a little as well as my very low blood pressure.  Obviously the anesthetist would know all this though.   I see my psychologist on Monday and I am going to ask her about writing something down.  Would it be better, give me peace of mind?  Or would it be worse and make it too scary.    Maybe just from a mom point of view its OK to write things down?    Its not about how much I love them.  They know that, they really know it.   What is it about then?   Sorry, I am rambling, talking utter rubbish.   This is scary, I hate being vulnerable.  I love my exercise and my ADHD- like permanent state of go-go-go.   I just cannot imagine being there in that white nightie that flashes my bum and being slow or sore or out of control.  God I know you in control and I know stuff happens and I know you love my kids and I know you would never leave them nor forsake them.  Please make sure I don't leave them either.  I am really asking you to keep me safe, for no complications, for a quick recovery, for peace.  Oh, and the mouth thing.  Of dear God PLEASE I beg you to take it away.  I want to wake up with it gone as I am out of options then.  Please reverse the neuro damage from those meds.  I really, really need to have it gone.  Please!!

PS:  Just wanted to say on the healing thing:   I have been prayed for my back too many times to even count, my mouth lately as well.   Some reckon its a faith thing, me not getting healed.  Sorry clappers, I know He can and does heal and even when my faith tales a wobble, He stays the healer.  Others reckon past sin in my life.  Sorry again but no, the whole point of the cross is forgiveness and a new slate.  He no longer even remembers the past sins of our lives and tells us our sin is removed as far as the East is from the West.  (something like that right?)  He is God, He gets to decide and sometimes its instant healing and sometimes months and sometimes doctors who have been blessed with the gift of knowledge and healing re the human body.  Sometimes its not at all actually and we peg which sucks but I am going for option 3 right now.

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