In exactly 10 days time I will be at Vergelegen Medi-clinic and Dr Wessels will be about to make a hole in my head and suck out Getrude. Apparently Helga is normal and stays. He said I can wait every 6 months to see what Gertie is up to but her position means possible side effects are urinary incontinence, a duck like gait and dementia. As someone who has to knuip if I jump on a trampoline I am not a big fan of peeing in my pants, the duck like gait isn't doing it for me and dementia doesn't sound fab either.
I think one of the main reasons for me doing this now is the desperate hope that the cyst is linked to my mouth problems and I will wake up with a well behaved tongue. No more spasms or twitching or pain. They don't think its related but you know me, extreme hope junkie. The crash when I come off my hope ride is always so painful. I try and use my caution protective realistic knee pads and safety helmet but I am useless. I hope passionately and without reservation, I just can't help it. Oh please God honour the faith I have in your ability to heal!
I always need to make sense of things. No Singapore meant the wheels came off. I went on an anti-dep cymgen. Got the TD/Dystonia from the cymgen which I then went off from. God decided healing wasn't about to be so off I went to neuro. MRI reveals cysta Gertrude and here I am about to have her removed. Surely its all part of the story and God needed me to get to this point? I so appreciate my health even though I live with chronic back pain and my spazzy mouth. I still feel very much alive and have good energy levels. In fact I am bad at doing nothing. I gained weight this year for the first time ever and I think its because I was forced to sit so much when I am studying. I usually run around like a mad thing.
People ask me if I am nervous about the op. I was poop scared, I won't lie. Its my kids, the thought of them being without a mother or a mother disabled by a stroke. They love me so much, Gary loves me so much. I am very blessed to be important to my family and friends, we are interwoven in each others lives. One of my BFs Jen sent me a text saying: You will be fine xxx. A glib thing we all say but somehow it seemed to carry real weight. YOU WILL BE FINE! A God thing of reassurance and the reminder of His promises to me. I strongly believe I will live to be in my eighties. Adoption will play a part in my life whether its my work one day or my grandkids. (Sofie wants to adopt 3 children and although only 8 years old, I do believe she will adopt at least one) I will hold my grand babies and love my children's partners who will love God, love them and love family. I will do plenty traveling with my Gary. So many things I want to do and loving this phase of growth in my life. So I can't die now, I just can't. Part of me wanted to write a little something down for in case, to chat to Gary about what ifs. It feels like I am not taking God at His word then, it doesn't feel right. You girls know right, how I want my kids raised? Frances & Tracey & Penny & Michelle & Jenny & my sisters & so many others. Nope, I am not going to go there. I will be fine, I will be fine.
PS: Actual op is either perforating arachnoid membrane and having liquid drain into rest of my brain (first choice) or inserting a thing rubber tube into the cysts and have it run under my skin to my stomach. I spend about 2 hours in theatre, 1 day in intensive care re risk of hemorrhage and 2 days in regular ward. Now that I am over the death fear thing its the poo fear thing. What if I need to poo!!!
you will definitely live through this! It just seems big because its your head and not any other part of your body. If they were operating on your boobs, bum or back...you wouldnt be so scared. You ARE going to be FINE!
ReplyDeleteabout that poop thing...they will empty your tummy before you go in so there will be no need to go ;-)
Kim xxx
Melly, you rock. You WILL be fine. You're healthy and positive and clappy. And you visited divinebee and made her feel better, so that definitely counts for something. Thinking of you every day. xxx
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and praying. My brain tumor was removed two years ago, and I am disabled from it (story on my blog). Life is still, good; God is glorious and unchanging; my children have grown so much through all of this ....
ReplyDeleteHi Mel, I'll post this at both our blogs as I'm not sure where would be best for you to see my reply :-)
ReplyDeleteI've written quite a bit about my brain tumor, which I named Angus. Clicking on the search label Angus will take you to a multitude of posts (I really wish Blogger would start with the oldest post first though). Here is a link to the discovery post; and here, all of July 2010, which covers the lead-up to and immediate aftermath of the craniotomy; and here is a recent post about disability and where I am at right now.
My younger children were ages 8 & 10 when the brain tumor happened: I think that was the hardest part for me, that they were so young. They have handled it all amazing well though; I am so proud of them, and so impressed by how well they've done these past two years: the brain tumor, the surgery, my one-week stay in the hospital, my disability and how that has radically changed all our lives, and also, living with the knowledge that it might grow back. They are really amazing kids. I'm biased, of course :-)
(I will also share, since you mentioned pooing (!), I did not like the catheter one little bit and had them take it out as soon as possible once I was out of recovery and in the neuroscience-ICU, and pooing was really difficult, the meds were constipating, and I was miserable all week: after surgery, I recommend as many fresh fruits and veggies as you can handle eating! (I don't know what hospital food is like in SA, but I would suggest you have family bring in the freshest possible for you. That's something I would for sure do differently).
I am wishing you the very best!
Morning Mel
ReplyDeleteI pray for the surgeons hands to heal and remove the cyst sucessfully.
I am sure all will go smoothly and you will be back to your 'jumpy' self soon.