In exactly 10 days time I will be at Vergelegen Medi-clinic and Dr Wessels will be about to make a hole in my head and suck out Getrude. Apparently Helga is normal and stays. He said I can wait every 6 months to see what Gertie is up to but her position means possible side effects are urinary incontinence, a duck like gait and dementia. As someone who has to knuip if I jump on a trampoline I am not a big fan of peeing in my pants, the duck like gait isn't doing it for me and dementia doesn't sound fab either.
I think one of the main reasons for me doing this now is the desperate hope that the cyst is linked to my mouth problems and I will wake up with a well behaved tongue. No more spasms or twitching or pain. They don't think its related but you know me, extreme hope junkie. The crash when I come off my hope ride is always so painful. I try and use my caution protective realistic knee pads and safety helmet but I am useless. I hope passionately and without reservation, I just can't help it. Oh please God honour the faith I have in your ability to heal!
I always need to make sense of things. No Singapore meant the wheels came off. I went on an anti-dep cymgen. Got the TD/Dystonia from the cymgen which I then went off from. God decided healing wasn't about to be so off I went to neuro. MRI reveals cysta Gertrude and here I am about to have her removed. Surely its all part of the story and God needed me to get to this point? I so appreciate my health even though I live with chronic back pain and my spazzy mouth. I still feel very much alive and have good energy levels. In fact I am bad at doing nothing. I gained weight this year for the first time ever and I think its because I was forced to sit so much when I am studying. I usually run around like a mad thing.
People ask me if I am nervous about the op. I was poop scared, I won't lie. Its my kids, the thought of them being without a mother or a mother disabled by a stroke. They love me so much, Gary loves me so much. I am very blessed to be important to my family and friends, we are interwoven in each others lives. One of my BFs Jen sent me a text saying: You will be fine xxx. A glib thing we all say but somehow it seemed to carry real weight. YOU WILL BE FINE! A God thing of reassurance and the reminder of His promises to me. I strongly believe I will live to be in my eighties. Adoption will play a part in my life whether its my work one day or my grandkids. (Sofie wants to adopt 3 children and although only 8 years old, I do believe she will adopt at least one) I will hold my grand babies and love my children's partners who will love God, love them and love family. I will do plenty traveling with my Gary. So many things I want to do and loving this phase of growth in my life. So I can't die now, I just can't. Part of me wanted to write a little something down for in case, to chat to Gary about what ifs. It feels like I am not taking God at His word then, it doesn't feel right. You girls know right, how I want my kids raised? Frances & Tracey & Penny & Michelle & Jenny & my sisters & so many others. Nope, I am not going to go there. I will be fine, I will be fine.
PS: Actual op is either perforating arachnoid membrane and having liquid drain into rest of my brain (first choice) or inserting a thing rubber tube into the cysts and have it run under my skin to my stomach. I spend about 2 hours in theatre, 1 day in intensive care re risk of hemorrhage and 2 days in regular ward. Now that I am over the death fear thing its the poo fear thing. What if I need to poo!!!